Sitting
“Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a chair, I know I might be comfortable but I keep chairs so people can sit on them”
“Sorry, it's just a habit I can't seem to get out of”
“Sit is just shit without the "H".”
Sitting is a form of body contortion, that allows one to rest, without fully lieing down, through placing ones rear end on an object or being. In recent years scientific studies have established that many shapely women look fantastic sitting down.
Sitting Timeline[edit]
- 18000BC - First humans discover sitting quite by accident.
- 10000BC - Dawns on someone that making something smooth to sit on and maybe soft might be better than trying to sit on sharp jagged objects.
- 7000BC - People discover that sitting on animals is useful for travelling about.
- 5000BC - People realise sitting on others might be useful to stop them from getting away and a form of pleasure.
- 4000BC - Roman workmen discover sitting on their asses as an alternative to work ultimately leading to collapse of Roman Empire and a long tradition carried on to this day by tradesmen.
- 1990's - Across the EU and North America public information films are produced instructing people how to sit down amidst worries that people may have forgotten and are falling down all over the world.
Sitting methods[edit]
Xena Warrior Princess style
To sit in the Xena style:
- Leap into the air.
- Wrap legs around sitee's neck and, while twisting, use weight to throw them to the floor.
- Land on stomach with ass, use knees to pin sitee's arms to floor.
The word ass comes from the word gravitas.
Michelle Yeoh style
To sit in the Michelle Yeoh style:
- Subdue other person with lots of kicks
- Take one foot and bring it around to rest in the crook of their knees breaking legs, knock them unconscious if they are not already so.
- Land on chest with ass.
This position is common in films these days.
Sarah Michelle Gellar style
To sit in the Sarah Michelle Gellar style:
- Become a famous actress
- Someone is then paid to be straddled
- The whole having to beat the person in combat bit thus is avoided.
The REAL history of sitting[edit]
When Michelangelo, the Mona Lisa and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly were around, a guy called Mr. Chariman invented the chair by accident (he wanted to make a table, but it turned out a bit wrong). He decided to make the chair an everyday object and that people should stand on it - and they did. They stood on chairs when...
- ...eating the Sunday roast
- ...talking in phone call centres
- ...and when feeding the pigeons from the benches in the park.
Of course, because of this, the tables had to be about 3-4 metres (9 feet) high because the people were standing on the chairs. For about one million trillion billion years the people did this, when one day a kid in a school in Dutchland decided that he is gonna be the collest kid in town by not standing, but by sitting on a chair. And everyone followed him - can you believe that? So THIS is why people sit on chairs nowadays, and not stand on them!
Variations[edit]
Variations of the above, such as an astride multiple people or the anti-authoritarian posture of letting the other person sit on you.
People who regularly sit\sat on people[edit]
- Julius Caesar
- Sarah Michelle Gellar
- Lindsay Lohan
- Jenny McCarthy
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Britney Spears
- Oprah Winfrey
- Wonder Woman
- Xena