Rasta Jesus
Rasta Jesus (0 - 33 C.E.; also Black Jesus Mark I) was de savior of de black people, mon. Rasta Jesus was de chief of de Super Negro Power Force, mon. Rasta Jesus give us weed, mon. Also Bob Marley, who was Rasta Jesus's great-great-great-grandson.
Birth and childhood[edit]
Rasta Jesus was born in de manger, mon, in Jamaica, Kingston probably. He born on Christmas Day, mon. Naturally. (No Caesarean section in de manger, mon.)
Three Wise Men, dey come to de manger, mon. Bringin' really good shit. Strong shit. Jesus smoke de shit, den decide he gonna' carry de message to de world, mon.
Call me Mr. Boombastic[edit]
Rasta Jesus, he went to de temple, he jivin' with de priests, mon. Dey give Rasta Jesus de ecclesiastical doctrine. He give dem some of dat strong shit. Dey smoke several bowls. Dey tell Rasta Jesus, you come back anytime, mon. But Rasta Jesus had bigger fish to fry.
Say me fantastic[edit]
Rasta Jesus, he go into de wilderness, forty days and forty nights, mon. Give him a wicked case of de munchies.
Satan come to de wilderness, he bringin' dis humongo bag of potato chips. Ruffles dey was, mon, sour cream 'n' chives dey was. Rasta Jesus no eat dem chips, mon. Dat like a gateway drug.
Hug me up like a quilt[edit]
Rasta Jesus, he get away from Satan, go up to the Mount, mon, start performing de miracles. He take a tiny roach and give 5,000 people a toke. No roach clips back den, mon.
Den De Mon catch up with Rasta Jesus, mon. And Judas double-cross him, de motherfucker. Rasta Jesus went up on de cross, mon.
Other Rasta Jesii[edit]
Barack Obama may be thought of as a Rasta Jimmy Carter. Except for not having a corn-row.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | |
| Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all! | Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus |
| Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother | Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus |
| Evil Jesus: Drunken saviour, friend of whores and thieves. | Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware |
| Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! | Your own: Personal Jesus |
| Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! | ¿Qué?: Jesús |
| Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one | Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus |
| The moral superiority of being religious, without the calories: Jesus Lites™ | Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. | Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus |
| Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you | What would Jesus smoke? Sweet smoking Jesus |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | Salvation by Trickle-Down: Supply-side Jesus |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank TOO much wine. | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah |
| For your tiny sins: MicroJesus | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, he's not a Nazi, he's Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | The one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation |