Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
“Does this video game really merit two exclamation points in the title?”
In Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! you control a boxer named Little Mac on his quest for boxing greatness. There is only one catch: you are very little. How little is up to debate, but there is no doubt that every other boxer in the game is about three times as big as you, even the guy who only outweighs you by 3 pounds. Why would someone want to join this boxing league you ask? Well, it is unclear. However, many studies have been done on this subject, the most notable being the Starr Report. But as they say, “Size does not matter” so you press on. But, no road is without its obstacles, and on your way to boxing glory, you must go through eleven fighters who are willing to do anything in order to beat you, including murder, whipping, teasing, and even juicing.
Mario makes a cameo appearance in this video game as a referee. Because he is even shorter than Little Mac, it can be assumed he hasn't had his mushroom yet today. Seriously though, he's about 2 feet tall in his game. Mario spends most of his time crouching down, pointing his fingers at thin air and counting to ten whilst Little Mac or the opponent is down. This is because he had a serious hernia at the time while trying to direct a forklift to a pile of crates, which contained various boxing equipment and soda (Vodka?) bottles for Soda Popinkski.
see Mario for further information.
Human Punching Bag Gauntlet: Glass Joe
Your first obstacle in your boxing career is the fighter Glass Joe. You may not be able tell this by looking at him but this man is made entirely out of glass. One punch may shatter his very being. While many people may tell you that this fight is a cake walk, they are neglecting to tell you both sides of the argument. Glass is a very dangerous substances and when broken can have many sharp, jagged edges. Why would you want to punch it? Do you want to risk your entire boxing career on the large chance that you may get cut by glass? This is where the real difficulty lies. So, although Joe may be easy to beat physically, mentally he is a worthy opponent. Who wants to touch glass?
The German: Von Kaiser
Second only to meeting their Maker, the person a gamer most wants to meet is Von Kaiser. He has it all. Moustache, check. Personality: check. Aroma: check. Even gravitas. This guy could probably dance with the Devil and live to tell the tale. But, he boxes like a torso. Therefore victory should be easy...but wait, this is not the whole story. Von Kaiser may or may not be Little Mac's father. Would you hit your own father?
The First Champ: Piston Honda
Piston Honda is your typical Japanese stereotype who sucked on a lemon and makes grumpy faces at you before the round starts. He's a cocky gook who specializes in dances involving side-hopping followed up with punching your face to the ground. He is known to act in a very odd manner, bulging his muscles and jumping around like a stout bully who is in a schoolyard fight for the very first time. He also suffers physical tourettes of the eyebrows. His force comes from the the almighty Asian powers of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, and Mickey Rooney. Secretly, he has a Tokyo camera pointed straight at his wee wee, further proving his "cock"iness.
The Dancer: Don Flamenco
A Spanish tobacco seller, who looks like Adam Sandler, is looking for his two favorite colors for pants. His arm pits can talk and he works in association with his older brother, Glass Joe. Don flamenco is not made of glass, he is made of obsidian that grants him the ability to dance with one foot. At the beginning of the fight, he reveals his obsidian claws that he stole from Wolverine and it magically disappears in his mouth. Before he lost the fight to Little Mac, he had a beautiful fiancee named Carmen. After he lost, Carmen became shallow and dumped him. Don quit dancing lessons and committed suicide in 1993. His apparent last words were "Carmen, my love. I danced so sweet for you."
Hippo is the long lost brother of Cartman and Jabba. He fights so his beloved Hippo Island, which he rules with an iron fist, can get cash. He punches really hard, and has mangled Don Flamenco's face beyond comparison with his punches. He is constantly taking off his pants slightly to show off his third X-shaped eye. He can only speak in strange beeps by opening his mouth as far as it can go and needs a translator that types words underneath his head in order for people to understand his robot-speak. For the record, he weighs 999 pounds, over 900 of which is pure fat. Who'd want to punch hippo fat?
A tiger fanatic who is a furry when he is on the internet. He acts like a total asswipe, calling you a kitten from time to time, and tends to pounce and bite his opponents while growling like the Miami Zombie. Despite being a pretender, he also has magical powers, inherited from his father, Magic Mike, which he uses his jeweled turban for. Either Mario is temporarily blinded by Great Tiger's wizardry, or he is too busy worrying about his oh-so-painful hernia to call Tiger out of the ring and make Little Mac win by default. Great Tiger's powers involve him crouching down and speeding around the room like a psychotic cat, which is why he uses it so much. It is suggested that you avoid it, lest you get yiffed.
Bald Bull is really really ugly. Unlike Don Flamenco, he was born ugly. Even his body is unappealing to women, despite the fact that he's ripped. Occasionally his eyes swell up and a great glob of saliva crawls out of his mouth. At other times, he utters a laugh that sounds like a blabber-mouthed robot being strangled by two thousand marmosets. Both these symptoms are due to a birth defect, which is also responsible for his severe ugliness and the two odd tufts of hair sticking out the sides of his head. He can also be considered a furry, like most of the other boxers in this ring.(Hippo, Tiger, Bull, Flamenco is super close, cuz he's pink like a flamingo and dances on one foot) and he uses his own furry instinct, which is charging like a bull. Because furries and their moves are stupid, you can knock further I.Q. points at its lowest when he's charging you. That is a really useful tactic. Anyway, he's fighting to get plastic surgery. I don't blame him.
Piston Honda is back and instead of being the best of the worst, he's become the worst of the best, which is actually much better (for him as he is really annoying in this fight) and he fights like a piston, so yeah well I'll stop now.
Soda Popinski likes to show off his body with his speedo and spread communism while in the ring. Not as much as Super Macho Man, but still it's an eyesore, considering he's freakishly pink and showing his legs. So, anyway, his real name is Vodka Drunkenski, and he proves it because his quotes are all about alcohol. That explains his blue eyes, but what explains his pink eyes? When he was in Elementary school, where he still wore a speedo, some kids poured some pink paint on him and fed him glow sticks, which made him furious and become strong so he could beat them up. Today, he is a really annoying fighter to beat.
The Still F***ing Ugly: Bald Bull
He looks like Bluto from Popeye. Only uglier. So very, very, VERY much uglier.
The David: Don Flamenco
It's like a case of David and Goliath, because there are three strong guys behind this guy in the rankings. That's not a good sign for you. Well, David's doing more impressive than his brother.
The Harder than Final Opponent: Mr. Sandman
This is the guy in Fairy Tales who puts sand in your eyes to help you sleep. He doesn't want kids to know he looks like this, so he uses it as his "nickname," even though it's his real name. Make sure he doesn't flick sand in your eye. That's his most annoying move. His second most annoying move is singing "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, because he sounds like a mentally handicapped grizzly bear with a broken toy microphone shoved deep down his throat while a snot-nosed nine-year-old is poking him with one of the lightning rods from the Chicago Sears Tower. It's that bad. Other than that, be basically has the same moves as Bald Bull, because he used to be Mr. Sandman's gym buddy back in '83. Mr. Sandman's moves are a bit faster though, and once bald Bull found this out, he challenged Sandman to a fight. Unfortunately for Bald Bull, he became almost unbearable to look at after the fisticuffs. His tufts of hair became larger, his face became ungodly, and the top of his head grew taller.
The Eyesore: Super Macho Man
“In Soviet Russia, the bogus releases YOU!!”
I TOLD you that there is an opponent who looks weirder in a speedo than Popinski. And that can be explained by his weird hairdo. This person is the polar opposite of Soda Pop when it comes to habits, (I don't smoke, but tonight, I'm gonna smoke you!) his real name is Glenn, and he comes from California. But he is slightly questionable, and that's because of his most eyesore-ful feature, the fact that he can shake his man-boobs. He does this to hurt your eyes. It's an interactive function. Yeah, this game can feel so real sometimes. While he claims to be only 27, he has aged really badly and is 72 years old in the Nintendo Wii version - at least his face is 72. And, after all, who would want to hit an old man?
The Hardest One: Mike Tyson
Ah, Mike Tyson. The highest boxer of them all. The only way you can beat this sunofabitch is if you record the times when he punches you and dodge his attacks.(Of course, you could look up the times online, but trial-and-error is more fun.) Unfortunately, the clock is on some serious drugs and goes super fast. Luckily, he doesn't try to bite your ear off, because this game was made before he developed the tendency to bite off his opponent's appendages. You know, the good 'ol days. But beware, every once in a while, he winks at you. Don't be scared, for there is no rape scene in the game, but one of the developers suggested it in the early stages of programming. He was apparently fired the day after making that particular suggestion. If you win against him in the final round decision, prepare to witness his scary losing face.
Cthulhu comes after Mr. Dream / Mike Tyson and is the champion of the secret "cosmic" circuit that comes after you beat Mr. Dream. However, he is completely impossible to beat as he uses his unstoppable "Hyperdimensional Matter Transmutation Punch", which scatters every atom in his opponents body across a thousand dimensions. You might as well stop trying to beat him, because it will never work, no matter what you do. The best thing you can do is to do nothing and hope that he'll get bored and return to his normal state, dead but dreaming.
Upon beating the game, (which is impossible, rendering the remainder of this paragraph a moot point) you win the belt, and learn about Little Mac's true father, who is not who you thought it as, but surprisingly, Big Mac, the Burger King and inventor of McDonald's. Sadly, you do not find out about his past, though you can here. He reveals to you that now you must defend your title again and you are forced to beat up all your foes from before, only this time you can't use boxing gloves. And then, when you have finally triumphed with a hill of their bodies behind you, true victory will have been obtained. But at what cost?