Eleven

The number 11 does not exist. In fact, it is far easier to count to potato than to reach the non-existent achievement of reaching 11. On the other hand, it is as real as any hröning in Tlön. This by itself is no reason to denigrate its use in daily life. In fact, numerology regards repeated elevens as a sign of spiritual mastery; you are encouraged to repeat eleven as often as necessary.

If we demonstrate Eleven's basic truth with an equation, $11=nonexistance$ (and thus $PhD=0$), then because Mathematics is infallible, we can begin to understand its ramifications, especially in terms of quantum physics and superstring theory (which operates on an assumption of one-dimensional objects bent through eleven dimensions to look like the idiot who used permanent marker on the dry-erase board again). After all, nonexistence does exist, despite how much we wish it wouldn't.

This information raises some interesting questions, often speculated upon by philosophers such as Immanuel Kant, Martin Heidegger, and Steven James Anderson-Williams; usually while indulging in their favorite brews:

• Does the vacuum in space equal 11? Or perhaps, does the perception of 11 cause vacuum to exist? Remembering that space is infinite, perhaps the contemplation of eleven causes infinity.
  • But would that explain why 9/11 has caused a Forever War, and what would other elevenths do if someone with an agenda got hold of them?
• Do barcodes containing 11 mean that the shops only think they have that product in stock? Or perhaps that it is priceless and cannot be bought, only given away?
• Will every Hoovercraft break down upon reaching its 11th birthday, or does it simply cease to exist after 11,000 miles? Has a Hoovercraft ever reached 11,000 miles without blowing up thanks to those geniuses in R&D?
• "Dude, I am soooo drunk... wait, there's only one left. Eleven beers! I might be on to something!"
  • "Shut up, Kant, and gimme that brewski. I don't want it going to waste! Seriously, man, do you finish anything you start?"

The sculptor Isamu Noguchi has claimed that "The essence of sculpture is for me the perception of space, the continuum of our existence." Though he has extensively studied the number eleven, he has never created a piece which directly incorporates it; he has done $10+1$, $12-1$, and other equations which point in a similar direction. Apparently, he found what he was looking for.

Useless

The number 11, excluding the examples stated above, is otherwise a completely useless number. It is a prime number, which makes it indivisible by anything. It consists of the numbers 1 and 1 stuck neatly together, creating an illusion of balance, but this is a lie.

If you had eleven slices of pizza, or eleven pieces of cake, the only way you could distribute it evenly is if there were eleven people present, or just one glutton. I personally have never seen a group of exactly eleven people (I've seen 10.6, but never mind that), and dividing the remaining pieces into elevenths would be silly. So the only option is for someone to eat two pieces, making everyone else jealous.

And how the hell are you supposed to divide something into elevenths anyway? The only way you could do it is if you had a ruler handy and the object's total volume was a multiple of eleven. What a pain.

The only good eleven has ever done anybody is... nothing! In Soviet Russia Eleven numbers you!

Hitler was reported to have exactly eleven panda slaves.These pandas were reported to carry out sexual favours for him.It was when one panda died of too much fellatio, hitler went on a rampage and decided to kill a whole load of people.

Contradicting what it has been said above- the number eleven can be used for such acts of decency- for example, the number "10" which is consider the Fuhrer of the alphabet and number line, eleven can take one step further. One incidence of this is group sex, when ten isn't enough...?

Did you know?

• There are eleven planets in the Solar System. Only two of them (Earth and The Moon) are real; the rest are carefully etched into the lenses of large telescopes?
• Most tigers have eleven stripes on their tails. The ones who don't are mutants, and persecuted for their affliction?
• The element K does not exist. Neither does Sodium. However, Potassium and Natron do, as they claim an a priori right to existence?
• There are eleven Grand Masters of the Tao, but only one of them manifests at any given time. This is because "There can be only one!"?
• The Akashic Records consist of eleven volumes per person, but they only have information on Buddha, Jesus, and Shiva. This is because they've been stored in an underground vault for over 10,500 years where nobody has been able to get to them?
• Amps that go up to 11 are one louder than those that only go up to 10?
• If you lose your copy of 11, you will find it again in an out of the way spot, even if you never actually owned one before?
• That eleven is "ridiculous", and "not even funny"?
• The number eleven is a symbol of the devil and if you ever read word 11 of line 11 of page 11 of your 11th grade math textbook you will die in 11 years, 11 months, 11 days, 11 hours, 11 minutes, and 11 seconds?
• All sequels ending in the number 11 will suck. (IE Final Fantasy 11)
• Twelve?
  • What a jerk, don't you know not to offend the eleven masters of Nin Juh Pi Rat.
• Oh. my. gosh. What is that smel-leven? It smells like beek-jerk-off.