Praey for the Gods
Nominated Article| Praey for the Gods | |
|---|---|
 The hero (not heroine) praeying for the gods | |
| Developer(s) | Nobody cares Studios |
| Publisher(s) | Nobody cares either |
| Genre | Glitch-finding |
| Platform(s) | Your brain |
| Rating | P (Please patch) |
| Would Elton John play it? | AW HÆLL NÖ |
“If I had to play the game again, I'd drink myself to a coma”
“I like it! I didn't like it! I loved it! I hated it!”
“We'd never præy on a small studio.”
Praey for the gods, also known as "The most ambitious Shadow of the Colossus fan project up to date", is an indie action-adventure game developed by Nobody Cares Studios, released for PraeyStation 4 & 5, Eggsbox1 and Microporn WeenDOS, initially as Early Access.
It takes many elements from its predecessor, such as ramboing giant creatures because YOLO, jumping as much as a whale would, cults, gibberish as the official language and a story that makes no sense. It also features a map of the "world" but unlike in Shadow of the Colossus where you had to put some minimal effort to raise your arm to figure out the colossi's location, the clouds just magically point at the fucker's head.
It is also considered Shadow of the Colossus' spiritual successor by the studios, but nobody cares.
Story[edit]
The story revolves around Sweden Christmas Town and the end of the world (truly a unique combination!), and the events that take place before, but mainly during, and slightly after, the end of the world. Not much is known prior to the end of the world, nor does the player really know what exactly happens during the end of the world, but most importantly, they don't get to know what really happened even after the end of the world. As such, the story can only be complete by filling in the gaps with what's only the most logical of explanations.
A beautiful world[edit]
Before Ragnarök, the world was beautiful and vibrant, rich in all kinds of intelligent life: from the average college jock to the academic nerd and everything in between. The world was also full of many other things: beautiful landscapes, cars, WiFi towers, Star War sequels and conspiracy theories regarding Earth's curves.
While it is unknown as to what exactly happened between this and Ragnarök, there are signs of a previous religious cult, which included
a mad priest as the leader, handwriting that would make modern-day doctors proud, being given gold for free, a binding fetish, holy dildos totems and constant moaning (if you know what religion I have to join to get this please let me know). This content could only be rated M for mature content, meaning some kinky stuff was happening here. To this day, this remains one of the biggest mysteries of the game, not without many players looking into it.
Ragnarök[edit]
Pippi Longstocking goes through puberty so hard her vocal cords break after so much booze. One night her drunken ass gets to sleep on a boat and when she wakes up with hangover she finds herself in some frozen ass island with a blizzard and goes like "Fuck!". She finds some weird words written on the walls (like "GTFO") but her vision's still too blurry to read them so she just keeps going. By the time she gets tired she sits on a stone that can't handle her weight and succumbs to gravity, and suddenly the ground starts moving, and suddenly there's hair coming out of the ground, but she pukes from the moment the stone started moving. The creature can't handle it and dies out of disgust.
The story revolves around Pippi chasing "cute" beings around the map which find her disgusting and run for their lives as fast as they can. After the first colossi aka Satyr dying, Pippi must continue her adventure by destroying the guardians of nature one by one by infecting them with acne, herpes, hay fever or forcing them to try on her booze until they're comatose. These guardians, thankfully, have the personality of a Pokémon Gym Leader: they stay put in place forever until Pippi finds them, except for the bird, which is, you know, a bird.
After this, Ragnarök starts, so Pippi bends on her knees and prays praeys. All the agitated spirits look at her like "Yes! The hero is praeying for our salvation! At last, we can be free!", she looks at them confused and says "I was just praeying for the hallucinogenic mushrooms I'm about to eat lol". Soon after giants made of lava rise and start destroying the world. They attempt to kill Pippi unsuccessfully, mainly thanks to her ability to dodge their slow...ass...attacks by walking around and her ability to counter with slow...ass...projectiles that come out of space magic flowers because yes. Due to this and her ability to not fall off when grabbing a completely flat rock-hard surface while hanging in a completely vertical stance, the hero manages to make it to the end.
In the end, many things happen. The furry that started as a villain is now a good guy that assists the hero in nailing a huge turd, the children are exterminated and the hero gets turned into stone for jingling the bells without singing a carol. Oh, and the world gets saved! Well until the next cycle or game or whatever, which hopefully never takes place.
The Ending after the ending[edit]
But wait, there's more! After the end of the end of the world that was, which means the beginning of the beginning of the world that will be, but will become the end of the end of the world that is, things still happen!
Right after the ending or not the ending or something, a portal in the middle of Dubai's desert opens, as it's connected to the land of the Vikings thanks to Emirates airlines. Pippi gets found by the locals only to learn that alcohol is not allowed outside. Pippi hastily goes back through the portal, as she'd rather die out of cold than without her booze.
After this, Pippi finds herself in an icy cave near the temple, listening to someone speaking to her in Nörse, which she doesn't understand at all. When she stops talking to breathe Pippi goes like "So...what do I get for saving the world?". The woman says a few words in a tender tone, and thankfully dies, I mean, dies, thankfully, no, wait, I mean, thanks Pippi as she dies. Pippi, more confused than the player ever, proceeds to get the hell out of there and get into a tavern that night. THE END.
Gameplay[edit]
The game has amazing gameplay. It features enemies such as the undead, ghosts, frozen women, giant statues and a superboss fight consisting in impaling him with a dildo 3 times while his asthma kicks in. But the main deal is fighting the giant statues, or, uhm...the hairy wild ones. Combat in these situations require a quick wit to figure out the strategy to defeat the hairy goliaths in their arenas. So, for example, the first colossi requires climbing the whole ancient building and then ringing the bells from atop, which will cause the beast to bend to its knees to praey. It is at this moment when the hero can jump on top of it and savagely start stabbing it using its own body parts for fun. OR you could be a brain dead player and just use the grappling gun to skip any strategy altogether. Regardless of the method used, the beasts will try to get rid of the player by using different protection mechanisms, such as break dancing, insulting the player's mom and trying to caress her forcefully.
The game offers many customization options for fights: for example, you can freely pick any item from the floor and use it as a weapon, be it a stick, an axe, a sword or a bow. You can also literally feed off whatever you find on the floor: be it berries, dead or alive animals or dog shite.
The game also has a key feature regarding survival, which makes it more realistic. This includes dying out of cold, of hunger, or out of boredom. Because of this the player must frenetically balance being hot, eating and having fun. Activities of this kind include building campfires, eating hallucinogenic mushrooms and laughing at the locals (or poking their skulls with a stick). To add to this reality element there's also a mechanic that involves weapons breaking and needing to be repaired, which in turn requires gathering resources from the environment. This is extremely clever, as it makes players go into original fetch quests while being caught up in a blizzard AND being chased by an army of zombies just so that they can either survive the blizzard or the zombie army, but not both.
Another element of gameplay is exploring the map. Exploring is heavily rewarded by gathering clues as to what happened in ancient times, when the cult was still in the islands. This usually comes in the form of notes scattered throughout the map, all in the same language Pippi happens to speak. Not only that, the game features many mysterious and hidden locations in a vast map where the player can get lost in, which include treasure caves with ancient puzzles the player must solve. If they do so, they either gain access to their ancestors' closets and find either women outfits that are just their size or some enhanced weapon that will break after using it exactly 3 times.
Said outfits are only fitting for Earth's last survivor. This is because the hero also has a heroic sense of fashion, which is important when you're out in the deadly winter, for the sake of dominance (since this game doesn't allow teabagging or T-posing). These, obviously, come with stats that can be upgraded (although 80% of them share the same stats). Upgrading these can be very beneficial, as they allow the hero to run slightly faster, endure cold for a bit more time or take slightly less damage from attacks, all while still dying for the same reasons mentioned above.
This is backed up by the immersive graphics and audio, all in realistically high quality, as well as by a fantastic day/night cycle, resulting in an enhanced gaming experience. For example, players can enjoy the view of the delicate snowy scenery while listening to the birds singing as a random blizzard suddenly blinds them (realistically so) and banshee screeches start coming out of nowhere, only to be engulfed in darkness 3 seconds later. This is cleverly designed to make for a more immersive experience, which combined with mechanics such as getting hit in the head but somehow breaking a leg, or climbing a 300 feet colossi but suddenly having to sleep, result in a very realistic experience.
Thanks to the game's Early Access, players from all around the globe have been able to enjoy every single frame of gameplay throughout the game's development. Although designed to look like stuttering or low FPS at times, in reality it was intended to make players slow down and enjoy the breath-taking landscape around them at specific intervals. This was cleverly paired with the realistic elements in this game to take gameplay to absurd levels of quality.
Notable enemies[edit]
- The Big Five
- Boxes
- Furries
- Random skinny women
- Guys looking for hot women in their area
- Sheets with a shitty attitude
- A proper sleep schedule
- Healthy food
- Christmas in general
Notable characters[edit]
Development[edit]
Development for this game started back in 2014 BC. The ancients left scripts on the walls with detailed instructions on how to develop the game, but those Viking fuckers came and destroyed everything.
On 2015, a short trailer was released, but under the name "Pay for the gods". Due to this people started to riot against the studios on the streets, which lead to the studios to change its name to "Pray for the gods". This only resulted in more religious controversy and confusion, however, which lead the studios to change its name to "Nay for the gods". After more riots and several Kingdom Hearts 3 release date announcements, the studios finally came up with the clever name of "Præy for the gods". This title didn't offend anyone, because it didn't mean anything.
However, in 2016, a company called Bæthesda Fireworks, part of ManyHax Media, complained about the game using "æ" instead of "ae". Due to the rights of "æ" belonging to Bæthesda, the studios had to change the name to "Praey for the gods".
Reception[edit]
The game was widely considered a Shadow of the Colossus ripoff, and an inferior version for many. "My blood rages every time I see that shit! -says Mike, colossal virgin and nerd- like, how could you fuck up so much a game so great? It's NOTHING like Shadow of the Colossus!". Jessica, another colossal virgin living in the shadows, says: "It's totally Breath of the Wild, but in winter pajamas".
It also got the Guinness World Record for buggiest controls ever, which include but are not limited to: slashing the cold winter breeze instead of the gentleman trying to splice you in two, responding to commands 5 minutes later, shooting things that are either 50 miles to the east or to the west instead of straight ahead, consuming stamina when breathing, swimming with the crotch and grabbing or not what's ahead depending on the mood of the protagonist (or the amount of booze ingested).
Finally, the story has led many fans to confusion, causing fans and conspiracists alike to craft theories about the game: some believe Mariah and Michael Bublé to be involved, since they don't come out of their caves until Christmas (aka "the next cycle"), and wanted to change the world so that it'd be Christmas forever to become trillionares. Others believe that it was the Grinch who stole the meaning of Christmas, turning it into a never-ending winter. Regardless of theories, the lore of the game, like judges' toy maces, will remain forever a mystery.