Conspiracy Theorists

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Conspiracy Theorists are the small number of individuals that perform the function that the free press and public education has failed at--the delivery of truth and knowledge. They are characterized by their critical reasoning, objectivity, and resistance to brainwashing. These natural traits combined with vigorous research habits and ability to judge the accuracy of sources are what separates a theorist from his counterparts who suffer from less-truthful realities.

Sadly, the number of conspiracy theorists is believed to have declined in recent years. This is widely believed to have been the work of the CIA, or possibly the dark forces of Zionism. Seriously! Open your eyes! We have pictures, and some of them look only slightly blurred!

Conspiracy theorists and the Internet[edit]

Prior to the digital age, entry into conspiracy-theory was an arduous process. It usually required access to a particularly independent bookstore or an eccentric uncle. As a result, the population of conspiracy theorists was marginal; only a fringe segment of society took part. Ironically, what was originally created as an apparatus for government surveillance and the dissemination of the myths of the liberal media, the internet allowed for easy access to the truth (disambiguation--not to be confused with the 'official record').

In order to escape the echo-chamber of the mainstream media, conspiracy theorists began to form online newsgroups and message boards (See: Great Conspiracy Theory Boom of 1995.) In these online communities, users could discuss issues with people of a similar level of scholarship and analytic thinking. No longer were users limited by the scrutiny of their peers, they could freely express their ideas without fear of disapproval.

Due to their complexity and the corresponding length of articles, traditional text-based sites started to lose traction. They were no longer seen as effective in exposing the truth and awaking the masses as initially projected. It was the introduction of user-submitted video sites that proved to be an optimal medium for their claims. No longer were thinkers encumbered by the standardized structure of the written word. Advancements in video/sound editing allowed for creators to include only the footage necessary to support their claim without subjecting viewers to the tedious context surrounding it.

Social media has provided an even more efficient means for truth exposition. While video required dedicated production and at least fifteen minutes of the viewers' time, social media memes allowed the ideas of conspiracy theorists to be expressed with a picture and a boldly-lettered expression. While the complexity of an individual meme is limited, the quantity of memes will give users a cohesive worldview just as the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle end up creating a portrait.

With the vast amount of information available on the internet, the conspiracy theorist must be critical in their selection of sources. A mistake made by many users is their search terms. Searching for "September 11", "Moon landing" or "Vaccines and autism" will lead to corporate-sponsored, mainstream results. The discriminating user will add keywords such as "The Truth About..." or "The Real Story Behind..." to their searches to get more accurate results.

Becoming a conspiracy theorist[edit]

Not an easy task. First, not everyone is cut from the right thread to become a conspiracy theorist. A particular mix of rapid analytical ability must combine with a phenominal talent for creative deduction.

Second, an aspiring conspiracy theorist must be a vehement individualist. You have to truly know inside that your ideas are inherently more valid than everyone else's. Science, public education, religion, and your teachers telling you are wrong all this must be tossed to the side in favor of the truth you know is within you.

It's easiest to start small. Begin with something already established. The Kennedy assassination is a good choice, and an entry-point for the burgeoning conspiracy theorist. Kennedy was a great president. Why would he be shot? The answer is simple. A world leader of his talent might very well have caused world peace to flood o'er the lands. If there was peace, we'd have no-one left to kill. Ah yes, we can easily see that the Kennedy Assasination was a set up.

Never mind that thousands of people took tens of thousands of pictures, and captured virtually every single angle of the motorcade procession, from every conceivable point. The CIA had already guessed that NOBODY would be looking at that grassy knoll, or the book suppository. Ignore all that "factual evidence" crap. You've seen the movie 13 Days. The Joint Chiefs hated that fucking hippie in the oval office. They set it all up.

Locating conspiracy theorists[edit]

Conspiracy Theorists are EVERYWHERE! And We are being WATCHED! I tell you it's the CIA! They are watching over us because they see the threat WE present! Or, the threat they present. Yeah, 'cause I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I believe everything that the government tells me, because America is run by good and honest people who only hide important military secrets, and even then, only when absolutely necessary... Yeah...

Conspiracy theorists are notoriously hard to locate. They aren't on Uncyclopedia, that's for sure. If you do a websearch on conspiracy theorists, all you'll find are historic documentation unearthed by government researchers tracking down filthy terrorists...

Where to look[edit]

Under a rock[edit]

Oh, like you have a better Idea?

Right behind you[edit]

Don't look, that's what they want you to do

Your neighbor's house[edit]

They're all in on it. Isn't he married to an Asian Chick? Of course she looks hot in a bikini, that's the way international espionage works. Find a hot chick, train her to be a spy, and her beauty will disarm male espionage agents, making her a more effective weapon. Hell, they probably got assigned to watch over you, and are spying on you right now. Better purchase a handgun or a sword or something. You're going to have to kill them sooner or later, I guaran-fucking-tee it.

Criticisms of Conspiracy Theorists[edit]

Conspiracy theorists face many obstacles in their pursuit of truth. Critics describe them as suffering from paranoid delusions despite the fact that it is not paranoia if someone is really out to get you.

Recent research posits that people who feel powerless in their daily lives are more prone to conspiratorial thinking since it provides some order and predictability to the universe. However, conspiracy theorists feel powerless because the New World Order and Illuminati are calling the shots.

Conspiracy theorists are often denied from positions of due to their unwillingness to abide by the conventions of mainstream society.

You could not prove a conspiracy theorist wrong. If they were wrong, they'd just be people, not Conspiracy Theorists. The best you could hope to accomplish is to prove that their conspiracy theories are only the tip of the iceberg, and go even farther than they had previously imagined. Yeah, like we "invented" jet engines.

Or you could scratch that idea and simply point out how loony he is to everyone else in hopes of his insanity not spreading to anyone else. Note: If you do this you are automatically part of the conspiracy.

See also[edit]