Personification
Personification is the act of giving an object human qualities, or fully turning them into a human. Examples include putting a human ear on the back of a mouse, turning a frog into a prince, or turning George W. Bush from a lump of clay into a presidential candidate.
History of Personification[edit]
Early Examples[edit]
Humanity's desire for personification of animals began in caveman times, as illistrated in caveman drawings, when one caveman saw his family get eaten by a tiger and thought, "I really want that tiger to get eaten just like we do!" This was achieved in the fir SUPER DUPER DICKough unfortunately the tiger died in the process. Unfortunately since humans stopped being eaten, similar acts in modern times have not been regarded as personification.
Personification of the Black American[edit]
The personification of the black american from a slave to a human being carried over several centuries and, while it can be counted as one of the slowest feats of personification, it is also regarded as the most successful. Black americans are now mostly regarded as superior to their white counterparts being faster and stronger. They have also shown themselves to be extremely intelligent, with the lowest of black citizens being considered to be vastly superior in intelligence to the brightest of white politicians.
The personification began in the mid nineteenth century in the American Civil War. The northern generals saw it fit to implant independence genes into the black population which quickly spread throughout the population in their breeding. Their hope was to have the black slaves of the south revolting and overthrowing their southern oppressors.
The voting gene was implanted in the black population in the early twentieth century. This caused a large spike in confusion, though was celebrated by the black community. Part of the side effects of this implantation involved patriotism, which was exploited to send as many blacks to war as possible.
When the white population realised that the genetic manipulation of the black people made them human-like, further political distinctions between the two races have diminished. Though the black american carries some of their heritage with a fascination with "Rims" and "Rap Music", black americans have the same legal rights now as white americans.
Scientific Personification[edit]
In recent times personification has become popular for organ replacement. Scientists can attach vital organs such as ears, livers or bigger penises to mice, pigs and horses respectively to be later harvested and implanted in the recipiant. This has become controversial and has been criticised with "playing God". When asked about this in his famous 1993 Connie Chung interview, God was quoted as saying about the topic "Pfft. N00bs."
One of the earliest personification organ donations gave Adolf Hitler a heart from a cockroach, which ended up being quite a bad idea and sent the field back decades.
Personification for organ harvesting has nevertheless exploded, which just happens to be what many of the personified animals have done as well. Celebrities have been included in such personification harvesting. Examples include former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham receiving a stomach from an echidna, Australian Cricketer Adam Gilchrist receiving ears from an elephant, and American Politician John Kerry gaining a brain from an Iraqi Soldier.
George Bush Junior and the Neocon Personification Controvercy[edit]
One of the more controversial personifications was the total transformation of a lump of clay to a man carried out by George H. W. Bush. The man was affectionately called "George Bush Junior" by his "father". The lump of clay inherited its intelligence and speaking style, and, boosted by the sperm donation from George H. W. Bush, he also carried a hatred for all countries that have large amounts of sand in them.
George Bush Junior has since taken his father's former job and become heavily involved in a group of fellow personified lumps of clay called the "Neocons". This group is considered as dangerous to society and should be shot on sight.
Personification of Countries[edit]
In 1999, at a cost of 8.5 trillion dollars, the entire United States of America was personified. This was considered a great triumph of modern science and the unveiling was held in front of the White House. The newly created man (nicknamed "Sam") weighed 385 pounds 2 ounces, the average American weight at the time. As Sam was brought into existence his historic first words were "Fuck, I'm bored." Sam then proceeded to claim that modern science was not responsible for his existence, a work that was obviously, according to Sam, the work of God. He went on to say "Even if 'science' had provided the means, God was acting through their hands and hearts".
Other countries soon followed suit. Australia, since part of the US-Australian treaty forced Australia to join the US in all things even if they are irrational, spent a total of $2.85 in the personification of their country. Casualties at the welcoming ceremony for the personification were tremendous, as somehow the personification had emerged drunk and immediately challenged all present to a giant bar fight. The personification has since been arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Germany's personification quickly invaded Poland and Austria's personifications, though asserted that this was a peaceful discourse. It has since gotten into an argument with France's personification whom immediately surrended.
Tragically, the Japanese personification crashed his car while also watching a movie and drinking sake. He later died in hospital.