Paul Hartley

"Homeless" Hartley scores another goal against his own team.

Paul Hartley is a flaming gay football player from Scotland. He is well-known for being the most talented homeless person ever to play professional football.

Hartley captained the Scottish team in the 2010 Homeless World Cup, scoring 18 goals in total (4 with his jakey beard) and playing a key part in their eventual victory in the final against Brazil. Hartley was given the honour of using the Cup to hold his Buckfast and to use as a pee-bucket that night. He was playing for Cellic. Hartley is a proud Roman Catholic and has made this clear in public (he often kneels down and prays during mid-game, and opponents have taken advantage of this to score during what they deridingly call "Hartley's Holy Moments"). Hartley now plays for Honey Bum Boys United F.C. along with fellow ex Cellic team-mates Artur Boruc, Evander Sno and Giorgios Samaras.

Early career

Hartley was born in Glasgow, the son of a snow-blower salesman and the man who designed the tin that holds Hartley's Jam.

His footballing career started at the age of "sweet sixteen," by which point his pubescent whiskers had begun to develop into an authentic, straggly, jakey beard. Hartley took up residence under George IV Bridge, where he rummaged through wheelie bins and shouted incoherently at American tourists. On 22 March 1996, Hartley came across a discarded football and, after discovering that it was not edible, set about kicking it down the street. As Edinburgh is built on a mountain, the ball rolled down to Leith and into Easter Road, where Hearts are based. His mumbling was mistaken by club owner Vladimir Romanov to be Lithuanian, thus leading to Hartley's immediate signing. Hartley was then sold by Hearts after well-known Muslim cleric Vladimir Romanov was convinced he was Jesus Christ himself, and then traded Hartley back to the Catholic ministry of Glesga Cellic.

He is Shane MacGowan's twin brother, don't you know.

Move to the Old Firm

Hartley was approached by Glasgow Rangers, but declined their offer when it was revealed that he was expected to draw a wage and could not mince about on the pitch in the manner in which he had become accustomed while at Hearts.

Cellic initially lured Hartley by offering him a cold, half-eaten chicken supper. When Hartley visited Cellic Park it brought back memories of himself going there as a child. Hartley lived in glasgows deprived East End as a child and travelled to Celtic games when he had the money. Hartley was glad to return home.

Homeless World Cup

Hartley was selected for the 2010 Homeless World Cup after having missed out on selection in previous years by having sold insufficient copies of The Big Issue to fund his flights.

His dazzling performance led to him being selected as man of the match by sponsor Billy Connolly in every game he played. Or it may just have been because he plays for Cellic.

2009/2010 season

Hartley's performance in the Scottish Premier League in the 2009/2010 season has been lacklustre, with only a goal against Ayr United thus far. In the Champion's League, however, his form has been impressive, with his goal against Spartak Moscow having earned him an honorary Commissarship in the Red Army (though reports that it was awarded by mistake to the wrong team after Hartley went boozing with the USSR's Premier Boris Yeltsin have overshadowed this).

Hobbies

Harley enjoys alcoholism, begging, speed dating, mincing and dog ownership.