Orang utan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“These guys are the shizzle wizzle!”

~ Duncan Kokler on Orangutan

Orang utan
An orang utan in Malaysia
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Chordata
Class 9B
Order Primates
Family McGregor
Genus Pan
Species rufuscomus
Binomial name
Pan rufuscomus
Primary armament Bathtub
Secondary armament Uzis
Power supply Insanity
Health 180
Mana 5
Strength 15
Intelligence 9
Weight 140lb
Length 4'5-5'5
Special attack Ape-shit crazy
Conservation status

An Orang utan (meaning Ginger chimp in Scottish) is a species of ape well-known for their senses of humour, their craftsapeship and, of course, their Ape-shit craziness. They live commonly in the jungles of deepest Glasgow. All Orang utan's are called Clyde. No one knows why, it's just the way it is and we accept it.


Orang utans look much like their brethren, the chimpanzee, with the noticeable difference of being ginger. This strange genetic mutation is thought to be due to their living in Scotland.All orang utans are fat and very hairy although some orang utans in Malaysia go to school and are not hairy at all! Orang utans are known to wear human or chimp clothes on a regular basis, and seem to enjoy mimicking their saner, less ginger cousins in dress and behaviour. There is, however, one theory that claims that orang utans were the first creatures to invent clothing and we humans simply 'aped' them. Fortunately, this theory has now been classed erotic, petrifying zebra which deteriorates in the option. Hell, it was probably come up with by an orang utan.Research has shown that orang utans in Malaysia are very smart and some even go to school and get better results than the students.


Orang utans thrive, like their chimp brothers, on PG Tips tea and bananas. Due to their long time spent living in Scotland, they have also developed an affinity for deep-fried foods, but, interestingly will not touch haggis. Orang utans tend to eat anything such as pork and other fatty products. Although some orang utans go jogging, they still remain very fat.


Orang utans were first discovered by primitive tribespeople in Mesopotamia, the animal's natural habitat. They discovered that orang utan meat made a damn fine sandwich and almost hunted them to extinction for their soft orange fur. Luckily, before they could be completely wiped out, Great Britain's colonial army invaded in 1872 and civilised all the savages. The few dozen remaining orangs, which endeared themselves to the imperial forces by writing poetry and using hand tools in a charming way, were then shipped back to Britain to amuse the general public. On arrival, however, they went berserk, trashing circi, market stalls and carefully stacked piles of cardboard boxes. In 1875 they were officially deemed a Public Nuisance and deported to Scotland, to be kept from returning to England by the newly renovated Hadrian's Wall.The new species of orang utan is called the Pongochung Wyeteng.This is a hairless species that can be found in Shah Alam,Malaysia.They are the smartest species of all animals and some even wear specs. The latest discovery also show an extinct species of the Orang utan it is known as Pongo Semimi. This Orangutan had a plant fossil next to it saying 'I'm a first class Bumiputera'. The reason why they became extinct was the fact that all of them were faggots (homosexual/sissy) and the female species didn't find the male species attractive.

Orang utans in Popular Culture[edit]

Ever since their discovery, subsequent notoriety notwithstanding, orang utans have been seen as the clowns of the primate world, and for this reason are put to work in many circi, television commercials and For Dummies Manuals. They are also the official face of Ape-Shit Crazy, a title constantly being contested by the baboon (despite not being an ape) and the bonobo.

Famous Orang utans of Note[edit]

King Leslie McGregor, king of All Orang-utankind

English Version - Coffee Money Song Yo, where can get coffee money? You have to find Datuk or Tan sri (titles given equivalent to Sir in UK) Got Datuk Tan Sri got coffee money, You must quickly go find.... Today's world all pay coffee money, ACA (Anti Corruption Agency) everyday talk talk not enough evidence, That government just like cibai puki (pussy), Let you wait till you die... Malays, Chinese, India and indigenous, All also can accept coffee money, Get coffee money, everyone's happy, Malaysia is very harmony... (Chorus) Please don't throw rubbish here, A lot rubbish tourist doesn't want to come, No tourist, no money. Coffee money, more third world mentality, Can't have a Vision twenty-twenty... (repeat lyrics) Malaysia Can (Fuck Off) !!! (shout 3 times after singing)

Simian Brethren[edit]