National Elf Service

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Elf centres, such as this one, are one of the main contact points between the public and the Elf Service.

The National Elf Service is the principal provider of elves and elfcare in the United Kingdom. Not to be confused with the National Health Service which is a bottomless pit of money set up by the UK government in the 1940s. It incorporates many different facets of elf provision, including public elf, mental elf,and longterm elfcare. Since it was formed, it has become an integral part of British society, as important as alcoholism (which it supports, this was a key feature of the Beverage Report which came up with the idea in the first place) and Jamie Oliver. Funded primarily by taxation, the NES is 'free at the point of the ears' for all citizens of the United Kingdom. Private elfcare does exist, but is only used by a small percentage of the population. With its centralised structure, the Elf Service is one of the world's largest employers of supernatural creatures, beaten only by the Shaolin Temple and the Zombie Republican Party.

  • Elf Secretary (current): Gylrandia Greatoak of the Green-march
  • Elf Service Reform: Eldar Elrion Elsomething
  • Pointy Ears and Shoes: Quickfoot Sharpeye, PhD
  • Flaxen-haired Maidens: Galeldria, Queen of the Undergrowth
  • Toadstools with doors and windows: Kevin the Gnome
  • Public Relations: Bob Smith

short for Nidderdale High School[edit]

Private elf.

In 1945, after six gruelling years of war, the Great British public had become sick of surviving on powdered egg sandwiches and sheep's eyeballs. At the general election they delivered a surprise victory to Clement Atlee and progressive socialism. Top on the list of things to reform was the way in which elfcare was provided. Following the recommendations of the Tolkien Report, the National Elf Service was established with three basic principles in mind:

  • Everyone should be able to have their shoes repaired while they sleep, regardless of income or magical ability.
  • The fairest and purest of all the races should be financed from central taxation.
  • Watching the Fay Folk dance for what seems like hours should not in fact last for years. Unless you want it to.

However, the spiralling costs of elfcare has led to cutbacks on these pledges. Starting in the 1960s, the government started closing down rural wishing wells and fairy rings, with some people forced to travel several miles in order to have their deepest and most secret desires made real. Charges were levied on some non-essential elf services - whereas it was originally free to have straw spun into gold, it now cost a first-born or two year's misfortune.

Foreign intelligence agencies have been unduly influenced by imagining that Band-Aid, Carry on Matron, Holby City and Green Wing are actually documentaries about the elf service of the UK. provides a useful insight.

What's Available on the Elf Service[edit]

Any citizen of the United Kingdom is entitled to elfcare on the NES, although the quality of the service may vary according to region and especially if the user has a history of putting down mousetraps. Foreigners can occasionally get treatment, but the cost may be high and they generally can't see the elves, anyway. The following services are provided:

  • Weapons and tools made of stone.
  • Instruction in shooting two arrows at once.
  • Flaxen-haired maidens (except Ladies of the Lake).
  • Castration of newts (only on Wednesday afternoons NOT in April).

See Also[edit]