Mongoose

An artist's description of a mongoose.

“A little harsher on the lungs, but the after-taste is WICKED.”

~ Oscar Wilde on huffing a Mongoose

The mongoose (mongeese in plural) is a creature known by many as "Nature's Assassin" for its reputation as an invader and killer.

Description

The mongoose looks a lot like a weasel with goose wings and webbed feet (hence the "goose" part in its name). Mongeese are not in any way related to weasels despite that both have a long skinny body, pointed face, and sharp teeth. Mongeese are much cooler and kick a lot more ass. It is a known fact that they are more closely related to geese, hence their name. Mongeese are known for constantly stalking their prey before savagely killing them. They are also the environmentalist's least favorite animal, because they were introduced to places they didn't live before and started killing the other animals.

Mongeese are considered to be the animal most like humans. They invade countries, take all the natural resources, kill all the natives, and then fight amongst each other when there isn't anything left.

History

Project Drug Weasel

Mongeese were invented by the FBI when they began doing experiments in hopes of creating drug-sniffing super ferrets that could fly, swim, and effectively terrorize teenagers on camping trips. Mongeese, being the disappointing results of the now classified "Project Drug Weasel", were released into the wilds of Hawaii, Mauritius, Australia, Yosemite National Park, and maliciously accidentally into several suburbs of Chicago. Despite a bad rep from most environmentalists, holy men, and humanity in general, mongeese have proven useful in controlling rodent and human populations, often drawing speculation that Project Drug Weasel was not as big a screw-up as originally thought.

Other events related to the mongoose

• 1962 - FBI creates mongeese

• 1962 - Mongeese attack Moscow and are driven back by Russians.

• 1963 - John F. Kennedy is assassinated by a mongoose with badger accomplice.

• 1978 - Mongeese introduced to suburbs of Chicago.

• 1990 - National Mongoose Council recommends at least three servings of mongoose meat a day.

• 1998 - President Clinton commissions Mongoose Squad to patrol Mexican border.

• 1999 - United Nations officially declare the mongoose a weapon of mass destruction.

• 2000 - The Mongoose King takes Presidential Office, disguised as George W. Bush.

• 2008 - Mongeese accept Santeria as official religion.

• 2034 - Mongeese are put onboard planes to get birds out of the engines and kill every snake in sight. They also cause a second 9/11.

• 2050 - Mongoose Baby Boom occurs as a result of Global Warming.

• 2051 - Snake Extinction occurs as a result of the Mongoose Baby Boom.

• 3100 - Mongeese take over the world and enslave the human race.

Habitat

Mongeese are found in open grasslands, forests, and deserts of Africa and Asia. They are most abundant in the Middle East and other war-torn places, as they fit right in. Mongeese have also been introduced to foreign countries for war conservation purposes, killing the native wildlife and making themselves more deadly and popular than ever before.

The location of a rumored Mongoose division for use in the "war on terror" is subject to much speculation and debate. Since the disappearance of former FBI scientist and Mongoose expert Pete Townshend, the public has been left in the dark on the subject of Mongoose intelligence. Though the FBI inherently denies any Mongoose activity and research in recent years, they does acknowledge that they have shelved (and classified) "Project Drug Weasel" as very real, but still very classified. Seriously, stop looking.

Mongoose-Snake War

One day, the leaders of the snake and the mongoose clan met to discuss who should be Nature's true assassin. This became a long fight with both the leaders being killed (the mongoose from a venomous bite and the snake from disembowlment). The mongeese and snakes have long been at war ever since. Well it's more of a quick deathmatch, as most of the time the mongoose wins by ripping off the snake's head, and the mongoose has an unfair advantage by having legs. Put a tarantula in the fight and then see who wins.

Notable Mongoose Facts

Awww, a puppy!!!

• 2004 was officially named the Year of the Mongoose by astrologists. Mongeese responded by eating astrologists

• Mongeese have eye beams which they use to zap monkeys out of trees and temporarily stun small children

• All mongeese are rabid and are not to be approached unless you are Demi Moore or suicidal. Preferably both.

• According to reliable evidence, a mongoose has been involved, in one way or another, in every assassination since that of JFK.

• Mongeese, in an attempt to adapt to colder climates, have evolved to grow thicker coats, and sometimes parkas.

• Mongeese are also very thrifty, as is illustrated by the fact that they constantly eat refuse. They are therefore considered to be related to the Traveling Community of Ireland.

• In Hawaii, mongeese can be found in the middle of a highway, upside down and flat. They is linked to an odd mating ritual which is performed by jumping under the wheels of moving vehicles and attempting to cook the female waffles. It succeeds surprisingly seldom.

• Mongeese often congregate in groups of 2- 6 so they can gang up on small children, maul them and make them cry. The addiction of the lower-class mongeese to human tears remains a mystery.

• When not mating or dying, mongeese will normally be found planning world domination, eating pasta and wondering why the FBI doesn't love them anymore.

• If you stare a mongoose in the eyes they suck out your soul in order to make their delicious crabcakes

International Be A Mongoose Day

After much debate amongst world leaders at the latest G20 summit, it was decided that mongeese needed more appreciation, in an attempt to curb the recent spate of mongoose-related violence. So they decided that 16th September every year would be used to commemorate love for the animal, and what better way to do that than actually pretending to BE a mongoose.

Some people have decided to stand up against this day, complaining at how unjust it seems, namely pirates. However, these verbal attacks on the day angered the mongeese, who in turn retaliated by allowing shoes to be burnt. Some say this kind of sacrificial shoe burning should also become part of International Be A Mongoose Day celebrations, yet some world leaders are anxious as to the carbon footprint of such an activity.

Disputes aside, this day is meant to bring humanity and mongoosity together in a celebration of all things inter-species related. The world leaders also hope it will lead to fewer assassination attempts, but don't like to admit it.

Announcement

Ignore everything you have just read. Mongooses (NOT MONGEESE) cannot be cloned, are not part of any attempts to take over the world, and don't have wings and webbed feet. They are not in any way related to geese. There is no "Project Drug Weasel". They are just regular creations of God just like everything else (except maybe the platypus). It's just another one of the Government's lies and conspiracies made to scare people into doing their dirty work. The author is deeply sorry too have wasted your time and besmudged the glorious name of the mongoose

NOTICE: The person who wrote this message was horribly killed. You read nothing.