Metal Arms
“They provide great pleasure”
“The only thing worse than having Metal Arms is not having Metal Arms.””
“Metal up your ass”
Metal arms are the greatest appendages known to man, slightly ahead of the penis, and infinitely ahead of metal legs. They are objects somewhat like Arms(like Doc oc), but not really. Along with being much cooler to look at, they offer many advantages over normal Arms. Such as the ability to kill anyone with just one push. They were first used by William James, an American philosopher who believed in a Metal God. That is, a god who listened to Metal, had groupies, got incredibly drunk every night and exploded on stage while playing the drums. This was the inspiration for large parts of the parody metal band Spinal Tap. The band was originally called Ironica, then Tapster, but both names were the subject of "Cease and Desist" letters from Lars Ulrich's lawyers.
The Foundation of The Church, or the Ballad of how William James started to become a Supervillain[edit]
James founded the First Metal Arm church in 1865 in Oklahoma. For the first seven years, membership for The Church was slow. With an average of four people joining each year until 1872, coincidentally on average around four children with James named as their father were being born each year until 1872. After the KKK fall apart in 1872, membership for The Church rose dramatically forcing James to move the Church out from his Mother's basement and into the local House Barn. It was here where James moved form being a weirdoworshipper to a weirdo worshipper who was convinced that he could make Metal Arms, put them onto himself and take over the world.
The first Metal Arms were developed in 1891, by which time membership of The Church was around the 200,182 mark, and put onto a bird. The Metal Arms proved to be a success as by the time James was able to hit the remote control to explode the explosives on the bird, membership of The Church was down to 267 people. Many of the dead were killed by the vicious 'Metal Arm Bitch Slap'. While a few others died from cutting their arms off and then trying to steal the Bird's Metal Arms.
The Rise and Fall of William James[edit]
James spent the next 3 years after the 'Bird With Metal Arms Goes Crazy And Kills People' incident living in a homeless shelter, drinking bottled water and listening to Folk music. Eventually one of James' 27 children came and rescued him and got him to move to a place called the People's Temple. It was here James realised that A) he had an much better Church at his barn and B) he hates blacks. With this realisation he left People's Temple, but not before spiking the local drink supply
James went back to the Barn when his last five remaining members were, when he asked what they had done during his absence Robbie Robertson responded by saying "We made some Tapes with this guy, in your mum's basement". Outraged by his last five members recording music of a non-metal type, James kicked them out, went back to his mum's basement and continued making Metal Arms and trying to put them onto himself.
He eventually succeeded but was 92 by the time he did succeed and didn't have the strength to actually use them and died shortly afterwards killing The Church. Not until the 60's did The Church start up again.
The Critical Difference Between Metal Arms and Metal Legs[edit]
The first point to make about metal arms (not the computer game, but actual metal appendages) is that they are infinitely better than metal legs. The normal population (those without metal appendages) often assume that those with metal arms and metal legs are indistinct. Yet, metal arms bestow upon the owner many powers that those with metal legs do not possess. The most important among these are the ability to dominate people in arm wrestles, to punch holes in walls to aid with efficient transportation and to metal arm bitch slap people (normally those with metal legs).
The Place of Metal Arms in Wider Society[edit]
The metal arm population has been mistreated by society at large for centuries. This ranges from verbal abuse (e.g. hey, look, it's terminator) to various forms of physical abuse (e.g. the use of strong magnets to direct those with metal arms into hard objects; Strong magnets also make people with Metal Arms sing folk songs). Yet, the metal arm population is starting to fight back and is becoming a respected section of society.
The Society for the Advancement of People with Metal Arms (SAPMA)[edit]
The Society for the Advancement of People with Metal Arms (SAPMA) is the exclusive union for people with metal arms. SAPMA’s main focus is to spread the Metal Arms ideology and raise awareness about the overwhelming glory of having metal arms. SAPMA was first founded in 5BC by this guy who says he knew Jesus, but all of their early work was either lost in the Salem Metal Appendage Trials of 1691 or the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa (which SAPMA deny causing). Currently headquarters are located in Melbourne, (and of course by locating headquarters here, the city itself has increased in awesomeness) and is the only known place in the world to have non-metal detectors at the entrance. The HQ is a hub for everyone with Metal Arms to chill and bask in their awesomeness, as well as offer support and advice through the suffering caused by mistreatment (see Metal detectors) and laugh at people with fleshy arms and metal legs.
SAPMA has big plans for the future. In the short term there is the Champions Arm Wrestling League. They also intend to raise awareness of the injustice handed to people with Metal Arms and stuff like that. And then in the depths of the brilliant minds of the SAPMA leadership group is the plans for the long term...but this information is privileged only to members. It’s a widely known fact that by joining SAPMA, there is a 76.2% chance that people with Metal Arms will become more awesome.
Metal Arms in Popular Culture.[edit]
Numerous films have featured lead characters with metal arms. The most famous of these was Atticus Finch in, To Kill A Person with Metal Legs Who is Mocking Someone with Metal Arms". Metal Mike directed, produced and starred in, Metal Mike - The Movie.
New Wave of British Heavy Metal Arms[edit]
After the Beatles made rock music popular, metal arms began to enter the rock scene. Led Zeppelin (a bad-ass misspelling of Lead Zeppelin) were one of the original Heavy Metal bands, complemented by Robert Plant's, Jimmy Page's, John Paul Jones' and John Bonham's metal arms. AC/DC (named as a reference to the electrical conductivity of metal arms) were one of their contemporaries in this respect.
After these two bands started, the Heavy Metal Arms scene began expanding rapidly. Bands like Black Sabbath (see Ozzy Osbourne, right) and Judas Priest appeared rapidly. It is widely known that both bands came from the same area of Birmingham, England, but what is less commonly known is that this area was home to the UK's largest metal arm factory, responsible for the bands' awesomeness. In fact, before he got metal arms, Tommy Iommi from Sabbath lost his fingers in an accident at that very factory. It is believed that the accident was caused by a metal arm bitch slap, which, had it connected properly, would have killed Iommi, rather than merely removing his ordinary appendages. On joining the band Iommi got metal arms, in order to increase his awesomeness by about 672.4%, but removed the tips of his fingers from the metal arms in deference to the metal arm bitch slap.
Bands like Saxon, Motörhead and other awesome bands appeared, each bearing metal appendages hanging from each shoulder, and each carrying on the legacy of these great bands, some with awesome references to their metal arms.
"We Will Rebuild": How Metal Arms are Aiding Society[edit]
There are many things wrong with soceity. There's Terrorism, Incest, AIDS and other heaps of other shit like that. SAPMA and people with metal arms intend to fix this and protect you from harm.
The plan is fairly simple. All enemies of William James and people with Metal Arms will be Metal Arm Bitch Slapped. This will either cause instant death, or will slowly rot away ones insides until they are a thick, yeasty paste, like Vegemite, but not.
SAPMA is also working on making World Metal Arms Appreciation Day an international, gift giving holiday.
Recently, the following cults have been breached by SAPMA
- Yahoo Answers
- The Jonas Brothers
World Metal Arms Appreciation Day[edit]
It's a little known fact that this day is the most awesome week of the year. Basically it falls whenever the hell you want it to and it's a wild hybrid of Christmas, St Patricks Day, Hunnukah and Easter: without the religous stuff.
Traditionally WMAAD was celebrated by people with Metal Arms punching things and drinking lots of beer on a single day. Today it's expanded to being a gift giving and chocolate eating week long holiday. Talking like a pirate is optional, but always appreciated.
People with Metal Arms are your friends. WMAAD is a great chance to give someone with metal arms a hug and say thanks for all of the hard work they do to make your life better.