Literal Democrats

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The Literal Democrats is a British political party which, in the run-up to any election, do not adopt actual principles but simply adopt any position that has not been taken by the Manual Labour Party or Conservatory Party.


Former leader Paddy Ashdown and John Cleese MP.

The Liberal Democrat party was created in 1987 when the members of the Socialising Democrat party realised that they had better stop attending twee cocktail parties all the time and get serious about politics. How would they achieve this? By joining forces with the Liberal Party . Who hadn't governed the United Kingdom since cave paintings were considered trendy.

The first leadership election saw a close contest between John Cleese and Paddy 'Pants-down' Ash-down, including the infamous dance-off at the 1988 spring party conference, but the latter candidate was ultimately successful.

The new party was led by Ash-down and successfully contested the 1992 General Election which followed the asassination of Conservative Grand High Witch Thatcher by an irate cricket stump. The party did reasonably well, but most were surprised that they failed to take more seats from the ruling Tory Party under the leadership of the dashing and charismatic John 'Major Tom' Major. In 1994 following the death of well respected brewer and party leader John Smith, Paddy Ash-down began secret talks with the devil himself, newly elected leader of the 'Nu' Labour party, Anthony Algernon Lord Lucifer Bliar. He believed that joining with 'Nu' Labour in a 'coalition of the willing to vote left-wing' they could keep the Tories away from government and create a lefties utopia in the UK.

But Bliar deceived Ash-down (along with the rest of the known universe), and despite keeping up the secret meetings for about 2 minutes promptly decided he didn't much need the Lib Dems after he & 'Nu' Labour won the 1997 general election with a huge majority. The Libruls' now had 46 seats in Parliament]], but in 1999 Ash-down announced his resignation and was knighted by HM The Queen, thus being made a Pier. However, he didn't take up his position at the seaside but went off to save the people of Bosnia Herskirthidesaweiner from impending doom.

The party held a leadership election and duly voted in Charles 'Chatshow Charlie' Kennedy, so called because of a myriad of appearances on popular televisual programs of the day. Kennedy was a real 'man of the people' who the British public could identify with. He was short, slightly gruff, had dodgy hair, and enjoyed a drink. He helped carve out a distinctive position for the Lib Dems as the 'Real Alternative' to both the 'Nu' Tory government, and the 'Neolithic' Tory opposition. Culminating in the Lib Dem position of being entirely opposed to the Iraq War. (a.k.a Dubya's piss about in the sandpit.) This policy really helped at the 2004 General Election, where the Lib Dems surged forward to a magnificent 62 seats. All helped by a Tory campaign run on the issue of 'F**k the Immigrants', and a Labour campaign run on the issue of 'F**k the Tories'.

However, criticism of Kennedy's leadership was growing, and persistent rumours that he was in fact a no good booze-hound just wouldn't go away. Small hints such as Lib Dem press releases calling reporters 'My bestest mate in the whole world', and an angry spokesman telling an assembled crowd of hacks that Kennedy was not attending an important vote in parliament so he could spend more time back in Scotch-land didn't help matters. Matters came to a head in December 2005 shortly after the Tories elected Notting Hill smackhead and long lost twin sibling of Bliar, David Cameron, and in an emotional speech Charles was forced to admit he was indeed suffering from Alcoholism. Despite claiming he wasn't going to resign, in true political style he suddenly found he had no friends left and was forced to go. His deputy, Ming the Merciless Campbell has now taken over and is planning an invasion of Rigal 8 anytime soon.

2006 Controversy[edit]

During the leadership election following Kennedy's departure, the party was blighted by a massive controversy when it was discovered that one of its MPs was neither an alcoholic nor a homosexual. Frantic tabloid searches to find any form of vice in this party member drew a blank, leaving the party in disarray. Although no formal decision has been made, many pundits have hinted that the party's executive body will take disciplinary action, lest the party begin to seem remotely electable.


In the UK General Election of 2010, Nick Griffin leader of the British National Party said his favorite joke was "black people and Nick Clegg". When the Lib Dems came two seats short of an overall majority in the election Coalition talks with both Gordon Brown and Gordon Ramsay fell through. Nick Griffin agreed to form a partnership with Clegg so long as rules on crime were made tighter, especially for black people. Clegg later defended this partnership saying "we are enterting a era of new politics... sure we don't agree on everything, but I feel we can bring the best of both parties to the fore."

Rival Parties[edit]

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