Lionel Blair

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Lionel Bum Dog Blair (born Henry Lionel Blair Ogus 12 December 1931, Montreal, Quebec, Canada) is a shared hallucination, with millions upon millions of people believing they have seen and heard him on the telly (indeed celebrity Una Stubbs still swears blind she saw Lionel Blair pull off 'Twelve Angry Men' in under two minutes on 'Give Us A Clue' - the charades based panel show that was imagined to be very popular once). More tragic cases have trotted around the dance floor with him, staring deeply into his eyes.

A delighted Lionel Blair, as he would look if he existed

This is not the case. Help is at hand.

If you are one of the many unfortunates to have experienced this phenomenon, there are a few things you can do:

  • Take your own life. Full proof.
  • Develop your powers of denial. The first rule of Lionel Blair Club is........
  • Throw yourself into the fantasy. If you dare.
  • Innnn West Philadelphia, born and raised...


The latest scientific forays into this psycho-epidemic have revealed startling news. Through the power of electrics it has been proven that looking into the eyes of Lionel Blair can rot your brains! It can also lead to you developing characteristics of Lionel Blair, such as tap dancing and badger baiting. Hair will also sprout from every orifice, possibly drowning the unfortunate, allowing Lionel Blair to take over the remaining empty, soulless husk.

It is unclear as to the motives this hallucination may have; the very idea has left many boffins speechless. How a hallucination can have a motive is a difficult concept to grasp, and due to the complexities involved we may never know.


However, it is widely believed that Lionel Blair was created by them Chinese back in the day as a propaganda tool, to spread the word about good ol' Communism. In a leaked report from Beijing it appears that in 1950, to ward off the advancing United Nations forces, a new tactic was needed. Chairman Mao, in an unprecedented move, declared "What we need to ward off them hotdog lovin' freaks and their crew is a tap-dancin' hallucination, that will take over their minds". It was through radical thinking like this that China has grown into the superpower you see today.

Little more is known about the spread of Lionel Blair, although there are many questions that want the answer to them to be questioned, then answered. In questioning such questions, it becomes apparent that nothing makes sense. How are we supposed to even guess, and due to Chinese freedom of speech laws can we really wait for someone to come out and give us a clue?

In the absence of fact, comes speculative, yet conclusive, hypothetical conjecture.


As Scientists planned to deliver their master-stroke, they needed an unlikely way to deliver the imaginary being that would halt capitalism. Befuddled, they looked to the hills, then to the skies, then back to the hills. After they looked back to the skies they hit upon the perfect conduit for Mao's deadly leather-faced brainchild. They looked to the streams!

The noble Gudgeon, long admired in the Orient, was the perfect candidate. With a vast intellect and powerful gill covers it could easily house and oxygenate another [non-existent] entity. Plus with some sort of salt-water protection kit™ it could swim to the enemy, stare at the unwitting fishermen who pulled it from the water, and deliver the payload.

don't look into it's eyes.

As time progressed the poor helpless fishermen, now infected with Lionel Blair, began to see this phantom appear on the telly. Years later, in terminal cases, they turned into Lionel Blair and the epidemic began.

Little is known about the plight of the infected Gudgeon, all we can really do is pray that none of our other underwater friends have begun to resemble Lionel Blair.


In recent World Health Organization talks, the greatest threat to human existence since Hasselhoff Syndrome was discussed. Amongst the fevered experts of world health promotion stood a man, a tall man, well tall-ish anyway, with a striking head of raven-like hair, a cane in one hand, and an umbrella supporting his waifish frame. He wore crocodile shoes that were hand-crafted in Milan, down a little alley off the Via Bralli Neoli, off the Piazza by the park.

you got a problem?

He tap danced into the hall like a proper fairy, in that he was graceful, not a bender. Here was a man clearly infected with Lionel Blair, who had somehow overcome the mind altering affliction, coming to spread the news of how to defeat the imaginary ailment. Either that, or he stumbled in, posing a threat to a few members of the committee.

As it turned out he was coming to inform the assembly of information about the spread of Lionel Blair.

Sadly, he was dead in moments.


Key members of the assembly put their firearms aside and quickly covered the man's eyes. Checking his wallet they found he was Keith Bin, a trapeze artist from New Malden. The body was taken for autopsy and 'secret tests' were carried out. These tests revealed the man was in the process of turning into Lionel Blair, but more importantly, his DNA was found to be ludicrous. Although it did reveal five key findings:

  1. Infection acquired via retina
  2. Characteristics are assumed over the following months, coupled with sightings of Lionel Blair
  3. Hallucination is encountered, possibly in Asda
  4. Metamorphosis rate increases exponentially, in line with encounters
  5. Finally, due to frequency (and nature) of encounters, penetration occurs

At the point of orgasm the hallucination would digest the unfortunates' mind and soul, and take over.