La Bamba
“Duh duh duh duh duh LA BAMBA”
“What a delightful tune.”
“No-one knows all the words.”
La Bamba is an ancient Mexican folk song written by Satan in the 15th Century. It was popularised in 1958 by well known satanist Ritchie Valens. If anybody was ever to sing the song inside a pentangle after sacrificing a goat to Beezlebub then the Dark lord Satan would arise and rule the world of men (and women) for ever more.
History[edit]
One Tuesday in August, the Devil was feeling paticulary Summer-y and had an urge to jive. He preceded to eat three tacos, five burritos and catch swine flu. This made him feel really latino and decided to write a song about it. He penned his masterpiece and then gave it to an unassuming mexican man, and told him to sing it at the full moon with a flamenco beat. The ritual was lost for several hundred years before it was re discovered by latino swine Ritchie Valens. It is a little known fact that Ritchie always sang the lyrics slightly incorrectly so as not to raise The Great One from the fiery depths of Hades. Valens was aware of the demon summoning powers of the tune, but required its inane catchiness to secure a top ten hit. The song has since been covered by many artists, most famously by American rock chumps Los Lobos. They followed Rithcie's example and always got the lyrics a leetle bit wrong so as not to raise Satan. The song also features on Guitar Hero Shit Tour (the worst Guitar Hero game ever). This is evidence that the major corporations are trying to pollute the youth of the the world and create anarchy for some reason... bastards.
The 1685 Incident[edit]
On 10th June 1685, an incident involving the La Bamba ritual occured. A latino accidentally sang the song in its purest form, whilst slaughtering a goat to feed his family. This, naturally, led to Satan rising from the darkest depths of hell and proceeding to conquer the earth. However he was quickly defeated in a barcode battle by the team of Jesus and Black Jesus. Despite their being no barcodes around. This is of course because the people involved are celestial beings, except The Devil who is just a huge douchebag. As a result of this earthquaking battle the whole of humanity was momentarily frozen in time. This is the reason why there is no memory of this incident occurring, or in fact of any events on this day. Seriously, ask your elderly relatives or local ghost.
The Devil Went Down To Mexico[edit]
Some time after the 1685 incident, Satan decided to stroll on down to sunny Mexico to see the sights and catch some rays. Upon his arrival, he was pestered by a young boy named Hulio who called him a dick. Furious, The Devil challenged Hulio to a spainish guitar duel. Hulio agreed to bet his soul against two thousand burritos, as Lou began shredding Hulio hurled a taco at Satan's face causing him to lose focus halfway through an awesome solo. This meant that Hulio easily beat The Devil by playing Slow Ride on easy. This greatly embarrassed Satan and he agreed to pay the two thousand burritos but cursed Hulio and the entire latino race with sweaty skin and the overwhelming desire to hop borders.
Lyrics[edit]
The lyrics for La Bamba, in the original mexican, read as follows:
Para bailar La Bamba
Para bailar La Bamba
Se necessita una poca de gracia
Una poca de gracia
Para mi, para ti, ay arriba, ay arriba
Ay, arriba arriba
Por ti sere, por ti sere, por ti sere
Yo no soy marinero
Yo no soy marinero, soy capitan
Soy capitan, soy capitan
Bamba, bamba
Bamba, bamba
Bamba, bamba, bam
Translated roughly into English it reads like this:
In order to raise Satan
In order to raise Satan
You need a little bit of hot sauce
A little bit of hot sauce
Raise Satan, higher, higher
Beezlebub, up, up (literally "faster, faster")
By you I will live, you I will serve, by you I will live
I love the Devil,
I love the Devil, Beezlebub
Beezlebub, Beezlebub
Satan, Satan
Satan, Satan
Satan, Satan