Jean-Bédel Bokassa
Africa is famous for loonies - Robert Mugabe is but one example. Jean-Bédel Bokassa, however, is the King of African fruitcakes. In fact, Bokassa became Emperor Bokassa I (of African Fruitcakes) of the Central African Republic (during which time it was known as the Grand Empire of Central Africa). He also played electric guitar in the band Screwdriver from 1982-1986.
History[edit]
In the Central African Republic everyone is nuts, this is because the main lanuage is French, learning those verb tables at school must have really pissed of the poor Bokassa and sent him on the road to ruin ("Les ruin").
A young orphan from a suicidal mother and a murdered father, Bokassa lived in a happy life in a highly civilised treehouse in the very unsavage French Equatorial Africa. At this point he named himself Tiny Orphan Bokassa. With 12 siblings for a family and zombies for parents, Bokassa had little to worry about. Then the Catholic missionaries got their hands on him.
However, getting bored of the hot jungle (la Chau jungle) highlife Bokassa headed for World War II (France doesn't have a word for WW2, they were too busy surendering) where - no bullshit - he got some medals for bravery. However he was actually fighting for the French army, and because the words French and bravery are like matter and antimatter this seems suspect. At this point he renamed himself Monsieur Sargent Hero Bokassa.
Entry into African Politics[edit]
Basically no one wins elections in Africa; if the Africans could use a toilet, the ballot would be what they use to wipe their ass. The way to achieve high office in Africa is because your dad or uncle were the former president. If someone disagrees you give them surprise sex!
Sadly both Bokassa`s parents where long dead, so he could never become president. Ah how sad! Luckily he had become an officer in the Central African Republic Army, and had befriended the President Dacko. Wikipedia describes Dacko as an "Autocrat" which im guessing is somesort of Transformer/Deceptacon robot, or an erotic love machine. During the 1960s the predominant opinion was neither Transformers nor Erotic Love Machines should not be running Africa, it should be run by black people.
Anyway Dacko was ousted in '66, (boy that was a crazy year). Then Bokassa cleverly made himself "President for Life", a clever way to avoid a pension fund and get hot chicks forever.
Then wanting to be more evil he converted to Islam to gain support from Libya. During his faith holiday he changed his name to Salah Eddine Ahmed Bokassa. I hope he was not dyslexic! He then abandoned his faith as Libya didn't show up with the goods.
December 1977[edit]
While converting back to Catholism a missionary called Edwardo played some music of the rock band Queen to the President.
“Edwardo was playing this music on his ghetto blaster and reading the NME. So before I executed him I asked him what was the name of that band? So when I investigated the London rock scene, I was like fuck me, Freddy Mercury`s stage outfits are da` bomb!”
The year punk rock was rioting in the clubs of New York and London, and in Bangui the capital of the CAR shit was really going down, considering Bokassa was attempting to get on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. The crack pot President spent $20 million on his coronation. This was despite the fact that the whole of Africa could only manage to grow six beans a year, they hadn't really got the cash to spend, instead Bokassa borrowed the money from some "nice men" from the World Bank. Although no foreign leaders attended the coronation because it was "barmy", the famous electronic punk band Sigue Sigue Sputnik were paid $12 million to play at the coronation. They jumped at the chance to cause more controversey.
A True Emperor?[edit]
“Bokassa I was about as close to Royalty as Captain Planet was to Greenpeace!”
Actually, by 1978 Bokassa I had declared himself Grand Captain Planet Vice Corporal of Antartica Emperor Penguin Bokassa I. The real Captain Planet threatened to sue. However Bokassa I was later employed in the kids show cartoon as Captain Planet when the real Captain Planet was sick. The episodes Bokassa appeared in include the one in which Ma-tee gets ass raped for treason.
Human Rights (Naughty Naughty!)[edit]
The one thing that really gets Bokassa a gold medal for fruitcakeness was the accusations of cannibalism, however considering he had already fucked his countries budget he couldn't actually award himself the medal. The hilarous film Cannonball Run doesn't mention Bokassa I once, so the cannibalism claim is proberly false. How do you scream "Please dont eat me in French?" Due to the cannibal accusations by the media he had paparazzi outside his house day and night,he could not go shopping or to even to the libary. It really started to affect his tennis career, and he slowly started to slip into depression.
He was known for torturing his prisoners himself. However he wasn't crazy, no! He was clever and just trying to save money in the judicial system. And much to his credit he once knocked Bob Geldof unconscious at a Screwdriver gig in Bangui.
In 1979 the year punk went bad Bokassa attempted to put the first African on the moon by massacring 100 schoolkids. (Hey each to their own! Or as they say in Central Africa "C'est la vie!")
So then everything went downhill, even the Heinz food corporation stopped supporting the hated regime.
Anyway the culinary food experts the French did not like this, so they sent their soldiers into Bangui to do another coup. (Here we go again!) Then Autocratic robot Dacko sneaks back into power, (however he was booted out in 1981 by the French again! What the fuck? This is coup number 3 by the way!). Yo what about Bokassa?
An Army Marches with Good Style[edit]
Emperor Bokassa asked Pierre Cardin (a famous designer) to design a uniform. He wanted purple trousers, a red shirt, plush yellow jacket and a hat with ostrich feathers. "Is it for you, your Majesty?" the French designer asked. "No" said the Emperor, "it's for my secret service."
Bad German Relations[edit]
In 1965 the West German ambassador to the Central African Republic happened to go on a safari trip unescorted into the jungle, where he was captured and eaten up by the local tribesmen. After he’d been missing for several days, the German government got alarmed and asked the Central African Republic’s government what had happened to their ambassador.
A week later a message was sent from Bokassa to the German authorities in Bonn saying that they had made inquiries and regretted to inform the German government that the ambassador had been eaten by cannibals. "It was his own fault!" the Bokassa said. The German government, took an extremely dim view of the situation and demanded to know what the Central African Republic government intended to do about it. "Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now," Bokassa told them "He’s been eaten up and that’s that. However, we have an ambassador in Bonn, and you are welcome to eat him up if you like..."
Things go bad[edit]
In the mid 1980s Freddie Mercury had been diagnosed with AIDS. This was really embarrassing for Bokassa who had been close to him. While on tour with nazi skinhead band Screwdriver, Bokassa I earned a reputation for his divine political skills and his six-hour guitar solos. However after the coup, (I`ve lost count of the coups too, so don't panic) he was tried in absense, and told he would be killed if he returned home. Being a genius smooth nutball he RETURNED HOME. And was chucked in jail. "Just dont drop that royal sceptre in the shower, your highness!" Would of been some useful advice. However luckily after 13 years rotting in jail the President of the third coup André Kolingba declared amnesty for all his prisoners in 1993. So unlike the west where most cunts stay in prison, that style king himself Bokassa walked out of jail with all of his 17 wives and 50 kids waiting for him. 50 Kids? 17 Wives? I bet the poor soul was nagged night and day!
Later Life[edit]
You would think he would slow down, but before he died in Paris, he claimed he was the 13th Apostle. Obviously a quiet man. He died trying to robs a bank in Paris November 1996. At this point he had started calling himself "Grand 13th Apostle Emperor Penguin" with which he signed off all his correspondence which was mostly to the President of the Central African Republic (demanding he "do obedience to [him]") and the President of France (demanding fresh toilet paper).
Legacy[edit]
Bokassa set the bar high for all dyslexics, and people with ADD, communication disorders, hypomania but I feel Afica will never party like it did in those days. All hail Grand Dyslexic Emperor Haile Bokassa Rocky II! RIP.
Trivia[edit]
- Bokassa I played himself in the episode "The Mystery of the Insane Despot" of the long-running television mystery series Merde, She Wrote.
- In Mortal Kombat Bokassa I`s character is fast on defence but slow on attack.