Jaco Pastorius
| Jaco Pastorius | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | No; created somewhere in the 50's |
| Affiliations | Jaco Pastorius, Weather Report, Othello Molineaux, Joni Mitchell, John Smith Quintet |
John Francis "Jaco" Pastorius is the greatest bassist of all time and still far too great for the mortal world, given his insane musicianship of jazz bass guitar. Eventually God became jealous, and killed him while disguised as Bruce Lee.
Creation[edit]
In the 1950's scientists were developing a new form of super-sperm. An experiment to fuse the sperm of Miles Davis, Dave Brubeck, Jimmy Blanton, and Paul Chambers to create a new breed of godly jazz musicians to combat the new movement of rock 'n' roll that old people in the 50's hated so much. Products of this experiment were Jaco Pastorius as well as Stanley Clarke, John Patitucci, Will Lee, Randy Brecker, Mike Brecker, Herbie Hancock, Al DiMeola, Lenny White, Chick Corea, Victor Wooten, Marcus Miller, Victor Bailey and, unfortunately, Kenny G.
Early Life[edit]
Jaco first picked up a bass four months before he was born. Jaco overcame the fact that his fingers had barely formed and composed the song "Portrait of Tracy" that would later be featured on his self-titled solo debut. Other songs from composed he in the uterus are "The Chicken", "Okonkole Y Trompa", and "Kuru/Speak Like a Child".
"Bass of Doom"[edit]
Jaco's "Bass of Doom" was a Fender Jazz Bass that he plied the frets out of with a butter knife. Then he put an epoxy resin on it so his fretboard wouldn't turn into the same kind of surface Fred Flintstone created while anxious. The result was possibly the most badass instrument ever conceived by man. The exact model was reissued a little while go, however, it would be sadly noted that thousands of souls were sacrificed during the making of these basses because the essence required to make just one of these basses were so great. The leftover ashes were used for the epoxy resin coating of the fretboard.
Shortly before God killed Jaco, his Bass Of Doom vanished. Recently, a man who claimed had the Bass of Doom walked up to Will Lee's apartment but this bass was really dressed up in disguise (it wasnt really a Fender; instead, it was a Sadowsky cunningly disguised as the Bass of Doom). The real Bass of Doom looks nothing like the original Bass of Doom or the 'wannabie' Sadowsky Bass of Doom. Some say instead it is black with a white scratch plate, rather reminiscent of the bass either Chris Frangou uses to destroy universes with, and some say it was turned into a trumpet and played by Maynard Ferguson.
Life on Earth[edit]
Apart from being an amazing bass player, Jaco was a bipolar drug addict, and huffed cats like a mofo. He also impregnated women for miles with his bass playing causing thousands of illegitimate "Jaco babies" to be born in the early and mid 80's. As Jaco's life began to go into a downward spiral, God saw weakness in him and began plotting his attack on Jaco.
Death[edit]
Because of his godly bass skills, God himself became angry with Jaco. God feared Jaco would overtake him as supreme ruler of the universe. He then killed him in the most embarrassing way possible. He took the form of a bouncer at a Florida nightclub and beat the living fuck out of him.
Jaco went to rock out eternity in Paradise (Birdland) with co-conspirator-against-jazz Joe Zawinul and pet emu, Chris Frangou.
Post-mortem performances[edit]
Jaco is currently working on a jazz-funk fusion album with Jesus (Drums), James Brown (Vocals), Marvin Gaye (Vocals/Piano), Jimi Hendrix (Vocals/Guitar), John Coltrane (Saxophone), and his semi-father Miles Davis (Trumpet). The group's name is Lamb of God Soul Brother. Due to the catastrophic effects of Lamb of God Soul Brother's internet leaks, their new album Black Jesus will be released only in Compton, Brooklyn, Harlem, and Kenya. Its creators feel these are the only places black enough to hear their music. White people will have to settle for the far more homogenized version entitled Just Jesus.