Hump day
Hump day is a fantastic day upon which everyone (those who know that Hump Day is an actual day, not just a feeling they constantly have) feels the need to pelvic thrust, bump, dislocate, and attack others with their hip regions and think that they can get away with it. It is a day that came about back in the day (which was a Wednesday) when people could do such things without the fear of God popping out of the shadows and saying "Gotcha!". (You can also hump benches and say you are raping it).
It is common practice amongst the elders of Hump Day to initiate the newcomers by waiting until they to ask for an explanation of the holiday, at which point the curiosity of the newcomers is ironically satisfied.
This day is also used as an excuse for many assassins and really bad-ass people, such as and completely limited to ninjas, pirates, pirate ninjas, and combination of ninjas and/or pirates, Heath Ledger Joker (before he died), Kratos, Jack Sparrow, Sephiroth, Jet Li, Roxas, Master Chief, Jarlaxle Alucard, The Mask, Jazz, Dr. Cox, Grues (before they eat you of course), Deadpool, Reno, The Genie(from Alladin), Charlie Sheen, Bruce Lee, Jack Skelington, V, Lu Bu, Chris Farley, Majin Buu, Tsunade, Ike, Mr. Rodgers (bet you didnt see that one coming but he can better than you), Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Riddick, Blade, Mario, Kirby, King DeDeDe or any body with gigantomungous thunder thighs to use their god-given child bearing hips or amazing thrusting skills to demolish schools (a big building used by legal minors to neglect education, but that's not important).
When Is This Most Auspicious of Days?[edit]
“It's the cheeriest time of the year, that's for sure.”
Everyone has a different first Hump Day. That day is the first time you walk into a high school hallway and get hit by 5 other people's pelvises at the same time. Afterwards that day is blessed and the day is moved to every third Wednesday of the month. However, it was on the third Wednesday of the month that most children are conceived, so in an effort to quell the sudden baby boom the Asinine and Dull Users Life's Time a.k.a ADULTS changed the day to every Wednesday. They thought that the high would get tired of the constant pelvic thrusting before they were college students. They were wrong, however, shortly there after they realized that they too enjoyed Hump Day and left Wednesday as a convenient excuse. In fact Hump Day is the reason schools had a higher attendance rate on Wednesdays (a proven fact) and is also the reason you could never find an empty stall in the bathroom. On Fridays, the drum closet in the band room can also be found a rocking to the sound of 7 men beating to a freshman (for whom is usually not the first or last time he will experience the joys and fruits of Hump Day).
Unit of Measurement[edit]
The most popular unit of dick force used on hump day is the Trevor. The unit was defined entirely by the work of a man, a certain man, named Sir Reginald Trevor, who first quantified the mechanics involved with vaginal intercourse. He painstakingly collected over 1000 experimental data points and was able to devise the following mathematical model:
- where is Trevor's constant, is the mean area of the inner labial opening, and is the amount of pelvic thrust felt as measured in Trevors. One Trevor has been rather suspiciously defined to equal 100 Newtons.
This equation is most often used to measure the amount of sexual prowess needed for a woman to achieve orgasm. It is more often used to measure the amount of male ego available, so as to permit women to "empute" the necessary amount of facsimile orgasm to please their male sexual partners, using the indifferential equations of hyper-trans-phasic irrationally interpolative calculus (which are privy only to women).
The Origins of Hump Day[edit]
Some people erroneously believe that they created Hump Day all on their very own, which is in fact a sin comparable to laughing at Chuck Norris' skills, resulting but definitely not limited to unseen roundhouse kicks your soul and/or Epic Failure next time you have sex. Hump Day was created the first time (unknowingly) by high school students who decided that it would be fun to randomly pelvic thrust people in the hallway. Soon there was so much pelvic thrusting and damaging to buildings that Chuck Norris decided to end this day that he hadn't created. And so Hump Day was put on hold, until Chuck Norris realized that if he claimed to have created it people would think he was even more awesome than Bruce Lee, especially since he lost to Bruce Lee on film. Anyways Hump Day was re-created and publicly declared on a Valentine's Day, which resulted in the first wave Baby boomers' children.
Many scholars have since attempted to understand Hump Day, but being that they are scholars don't go to school but stay secluded in libraries and so do not understand. However, a college genius and stoner once came up with this equation to clear up the answer:
However this answer inevitably ended with the whoever was trying solve the equation drinking and participating rather enthusiastically in Hump Day.
Conclusively, Hump Day is every Wednesday and chances are you have the almost incurable disease Hormones (don't worry, you couldn't have prevented it, it's hereditary (which also means your parents participated in Hump Day, hence you)), so whether you want to or not, you will think about participating in Hump Day this upcoming Wednesday, and if you happen to read this on a Wednesday you will be cursed by 5 different chain letters per person you know unless you pelvic thrust a random person. (Whether or not they know you just pelvic-thrusted them is not important.)