HowTo:Recognize and fight a boss without losing your last life
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Picture this, you are walking along and suddenly a large figure approaches. The music stops. The figure begins to taunt you... in dance form. A different music starts to play in the background and THEN THEY ATTACK! Countless lives have been lost to roaming Bosses, because you (the people) are unprepared. Because of this, this guide was created. Once you have read and understood the words printed here, you will know everything there is to know about surviving a Boss Fight.
What exactly is a boss?
A Boss, to put it scientifically, is someone who will totally and utterly Fuck You Up. You may already know a Boss. That guy who works at the convenience store who constantly twirls a spiked ball at the end of a chain? Probably a Boss. The woman at the DMV who always wears leather and throws bombs, in groups of three, at random people? Definitely a Boss.
- Here is a short list of WARNING SIGNS that someone you know (perhaps even love) is, in fact, a Boss:
How to identify a boss
Does the person in question:
- Have an unnaturally colored Mohawk?
- Attack, then immediately leap over your head?
- Taunt you constantly through laughter, dance, or disparaging comment?
- Carry a weapon that is much too big for them to carry comfortably?
- Carry a weapon, the ammo of which progressively grows bigger every time s/he gets hurt?
- Have one weakness that, once discovered, makes them 10 times easier to beat?
- Have one or more Robotic Limbs?
- Wait around all day in a dark room for someone to show up, and then fight them?
- Drop particularly valuable items that you need in order to survive the day whenever s/he leaves the room?
- Have strangely ominous yet rather redundant death-music turn on whenever s/he enters the room?
- Toss bombs, razors, and other potentially deadly weapons of mass destruction that you can possibly toss back at him/her, as long as they don't explode first?
- Require an odd number of specific attacks to beat? (3, 5, 7 etc.)
Is the person in question:
- On fire, but not taking damage?
- Wearing sunglasses that never fall off?
- Wearing more leather than weather permits?
- Much larger than but rather similar-looking to most of people you've met in your town for the past few days?
- Summoning miniature versions of said people to attack you as s/he takes a break?
What kinds of tactics do bosses employ?
Now that you have spotted the Boss, it is time to study your foe's style. Generally, a Boss got to be a Boss by beating up everyone else in their evil organization. This could mean one of two things. 1) They are really REALLY tough, or, 2) Their organization is made up of losers. The good news is, #2 is much more common, but always be on the look out for #1.
There are some main classes that most Bosses fall into:
For those of you that spend a lot of time in the air (be it commercial flights, dogfights, or Superman) there is no doubt that you will meet three or four of these guys a day. Luckily, they don't have too much going for them in the brain department.
The only thing you really have to remember about the Floater, is that there is usually one spot that, if occupied, makes you invincible to their attacks. This spot may or may not move, so always be vigilant in your hunt for it.
This is a more ground-based enemy, but only for the most part. Yes, just when you think you have the drop on this boss, he/she/it pulls a fast one and jumps 20ft over your head.
This type of boss could be anything from a small man in a robotic suit, an inexplicably huge fat guy, a rabbit, a pony, a teddy bear with spikes on its ass, or even you.
Picture this, you get lost 4-5 times in this twisty, turney, complex of halls, fighting your way through hordes of enemies only to find yourself in front of a large door. Suddenly, the music changes and you know (in your heart) that beyond this door lies the fight of your life. You brace yourself for the worst, maybe a demon with a rocket launcher, maybe a brain attached to a robotic spider, who knows, you might even find Jesus. You open the door...
It's a wall.
That's right, The Wall is exactly that, a wall. Sometimes it has lasers that shoot at you, sometimes it's a window, behind which is an evil scientist, sometimes it shoots demons... other times it's just a wall you have to beat up.
Probably the most harmless of the boss species. Try not to die from disappointment. Oh, and look out for that trapdoor....
Note: Sometimes the wall can contain a door, which is actually the boss/sub-boss/weakpoint/a door to another room.
All right, so you've battered a boss down to practically no health. Then you hit him with some fearsome weapon, and he starts flashing white. But then, instead of exploding/causing seizures, he transforms into an even bigger, nastier mofo. Even more fun is the fact that his weak point has now changed to something even harder to hit. Dang.
The guy you just fought, only stronger this time
You might recognize this guy. Sure, he may have had a different palette last time you fought him. Sure, he may have been slightly weaker last time, maybe he didn't shoot so many lasers. But other than that it's the SAME DAMN GUY!
I mean, Holy Crap! Why even bother with this? Are they joking? Is the real boss sick today, so I gotta fight his understudy!?
Historical examples of bosses
- Goliath: Use ranged weapons to strike in the forehead. Take his sword when he is stunned and keep attacking the head.
- Achilles: Achilles is completely invulnerable to frontal attacks. Use ranged weapons and aim for his heel. Alternatively, attack with a knife to his back when he is distracted. Avoid the temptation to kill his brethren until Achilles himself is defeated, or he will briefly shift into an invincible hyper mode.
- Blackbeard: This is a slugfest, pure and simple. Again avoid the temptation to attack the pirate minions, as they will keep respawning until the boss is defeated. Blackbeard attacks you with his sword for the first half of the battle. After this his body begins blinking, and he will knock you away before taking out his pistols and firing at you. Keep attacking him with a combination of ranged and melee; the fight is much easier with two to four players on your side. It takes about 50 bullets and more than 20 sword strikes before Blackbeard finally dies.
- Leon Trotsky: This may look like an easy fight at first but quickly turns out to be one of the trickiest boss fights in history. When you meet Trotsky, he's most likely distracted by a book and it's relatively easy to score a head strike, causing his life bar to be instantly reduced to 1. However, Trotsky won't die yet and will soon turn invincible and fight back...with your only weapon stuck in his head! At this point, two guards will appear and assist Trotsky. Instead of continuing fighting, try to escape without getting captured. A cinematic animation will show Trotsky dead in hospital afterward.
- Grigori Rasputin: Use revolvers and other ranged weapons to attack the Mad Monk from behind. After about 4 hits, you will have to use a club to bludgeon for further damage. You cannot fully defeat Rasputin this way, but you can gain time to trap him in a sheet and throw him into the Neva River, which eventually drowns him. This battle is much easier if you were able to poison Rasputin with cyanide earlier.
- Jeebus: Jeebus can float above the filtration tank in the arena where you face him, but be warned! It's a DEATH TRAP! If you fall into it, you won't come back up. You may find that if you manage to hit Jeebus with a certain weapon during his attack routine, he will turn the other cheek and allow you to hit him again. Once beaten in the third round, Jeebus will use his "Resurrection" Super Art to revive himself. You can press the action button to perform up to three "Denials" during this final battle to weaken this boss. Once you have beaten Jeebus, Wanda may feel a slight sting of guilt at destroying one of God's living miracles. Ignore this: It means nothing except that you have been arbitrarily condemned to Hell.
How to survive a boss
The important thing is to REMAIN CALM! There have been too many people lost to utter panic. You start to panic, and you get all twitchy. BOSSES CAN SMELL TWITCHY! Seriously, just relax... relax... think happy thoughts. Don't dwell on the fact that at any moment you will die, lose all your progress and have to do the hard part all over again. Push that to the back of your mind... way back. No, not far enough! JUST RELAX!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? RELAX!!!
If the preceding paragraph made you nervous, good. Anyone who is too calm during a boss fight will end up splattered across whatever terrain they are on. The really important thing is to keep on that verge of utter panic, without flipping out.
Once you reach the correct mindframe, just take your Super Photon Hot Death Cannon, jam it down the bastard's throat and pull the trigger.
Boss problem... SOLVED!
For any information that isn't covered in this article (none), feel free to consult you local Uncyclopedia.
- Dungeons Inc.
- Final Fantasy
- Sock fighting
- Fighting Insomnia
- Giant enemy plant
- That time I got blown up by a Boss during my sojourn in a video game
|Featured Article (read another featured article)||Featured version: 27 December 2011|
|This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.|