HowTo:Fight off a termite infestation

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“One day, Termites will inherit the Earth”

~ Jesus on Termites

“I pity the fool ... who doesn't check a house for termites before purchasing”

~ Mr T on Termites

Do You have a termite infestation?

Termites can be any size from 1mm to over 20 feet long and have been known to eat small dogs and even children

Punch a wall in your house, any wall will do. If your fist goes through it, you have a termite infestation. Don't Panic - This guide will help you rid your house and your life of the pest. If you break your hand, congratulations, you do not have a termite infestation.

Next, examine the hole in your wall. In rare incidents, this may be due to poor construction technique or unknown superpowers on your part. Consult an architect/doctor as appropriate. Inside the hole should be some insects. Assess the size and aggression of them by first measuring with a ruler, then poking them with a ruler.

Know Thy Enemy

It is advisable that before you begin your campaign, you obtain a copy of The Art Of War. This will give you a helpful insight into tackling the problem, and can also be used to squash your unwelcome houseguests. Few things are known about termites, but here are a few facts that may come in useful:

• They can be killed by fire, water, and the holy word, but not by tactical nuclear missiles - this is ok, as they are probably outside your budget.
• All termites have the equivalent of 3 years structural engineering training and 2 years speciality training
• Termites are masters of war and have complex army structures. They are well disciplined and immune to interogation.
• They refer to each other by number - as there are up to 10,000,000,000 termites per square cm in the world, and only a genius can count that high, we can infer they are all superintelligent.
• They can eat and digest wood, cement, concrete, steel, titanium, uranium, kryptonite and dark matter
• They are more dense than the sun - NASA has experimented with using them as a source of fuel, but they escaped, took over a lunar lander and were never seen again.
• They are attracted to glowing objects
• They are the arch nemesi of bees

Declaration of War

For your extermination to be legal, you must first declare war. To do this, you need to be a country. You can make yourself a country by designing a flag and flying it from your roof. Next, elect yourself president of your country. Finally, appoint yourself war minister. Now declare war by yelling any of the following at the wall:

• What is your profession? Ahoo! Ahoo! Ahoo!
• AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
• Have at thee, varment!
• WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR (similar to declaration 2 with a noticeable variation)
• Marquis of Queensbury rules!
• Come and get it!
• You going down, boyos
• Termites, I am your fathers

To make the war official, ring the UN and repeat the declaration down the phone.

Tactics

There are many ways to wage war on the hellish hordes of terrible termites. Here are the most effective and popular.

Classic warfare

A man surveys the remains of his kitchen after a night time assault by the termites

You will need a spade and a good supply of food. Sandbags, water cooled machine guns, beds and other such luxurys are nice to have but not essential. In terms of weaponary, bayonets are good. If you don't have a bayonet, tie a kitchen knife to a broom.

Dig a trench in your kitchen and get in. Stay there until the termites have been half starved to death. Note this may take a while as termites don't have big appetites and may not realise you're blockading them and carry on oblivious. Next soften them up with an artillery assualt - throw some cans and rocks at the walls. Finally charge! Take as many out with your bayonet/kitchen knife as you can before they bring you down.

Modern warfare

You will need an assault rifle, a grenade and a helmet.

Place the helmet on your head. You are now bulletproof. Point the rifle at the wall and fire until things stop moving. Then throw a grenade in.

Naval warfare

Suitable inflatable rafts are available from your local Army Surplus stores

You will need a hose and a small raft.

Turn the hose on and get in the raft. If you're not a strong swimmer, put on a life jacket. Wait until your house floods. This should kill off all but the Termites' navy. Paddle over and bash them with your oar for a bit.

Die Hard

Secure a tie around your head, headband style. Smash a window and run across the glass. Do some press ups and wait until night. Now silently sneak around and crush each termite individually. Try to be inventive with each kill. Hang one, throw one out of a window, shoot one with your gun. Film it and sell it to Fox.

Guerilla Warfare

Make an arsenal of homemade weaponary. Molotov cocktails can be constructed of vodka and rags. Clubs can be made with nails and sticks, deoderant can be strapped to lighters to make flamethrowers. Grenades can be made from fireworks. TNT can be made from soap, fertiliser and sawdust. Consult the internet. Apply the weapons to the termites, just harder.

Gorilla Warfare

Buy a gorilla. Release it into your home. Go out for a bit, get a coffee. Come back and remove the gorilla (you may require a tranquiliser gun). Job done.

Political protest

Man losing his war on termites

Draw out a petition form and go to the high street. Ask people to sign your petition politely. If they refuse, try an emotional argument. Say you're going to lose your home if they don't. If they continue to refuse, pin them down and steal their wallet, then forge their signatures. If you collect 100,000 signatures the termites have to leave by law. Be careful not to let the termites eat the petition.

Watch your back

Be mindful that termites are devious. DO not allow them to gain control of key areas of the war zone - your house. Do not allow them to gain control of the computer, without this guide you're done for. Don't sleep at your house, they outnumber you millions to one - you will be carried off in your sleep and enslaved.

Victory and Reparations

When the termites wish to surrender they will wave tiny white flags, probably made of your wallpaper. Locate and imprison their queen. Force her to sign a declaration of losing, and write in clauses saying they will pay for all damages. Other good tips and to split up their hive and assign it to the control of England, the USA, France and Russia. Get them to disband their army and if possible send them into economic chaos so they can't attack you again. Economic chaos is easy to achieve within termite communities by changing the currency to something too large for them to carry, such as Euros.

If you lose

Feel shame and buy another house.