HowTo:Do fish impressions

DISCLAIMER: The authors of this article accept no liability for people who become so engrossed in performing their fish impressions that they fail to take account of their surroundings and are run over by a bus. Stupid tits.

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In this age of technology, progress and safety scissors, doing fish impressions may seem like a throwback to times when people did not have any other entertainment available to them. But in fact, impersonating a fish can have worthwhile benefits. Recent archaeologicical expeditions have revealed that the ancient Babylonian people performed fish impressions on a regular basis, as part of their religious rites. The Mayan people of South America also used fish impressions as a method to ascertain if women could be permitted access to the King's bedchamber. In more recent times, meanwhile, scientific tests have proven that doing fish impressions can reduce stress by 32% and noticeably decrease your risk of heart disease. It may also reduce wrinkling around the mouth for a brief period of time.

You will need

An example of a good fish impression

• 1 self with mouth (if you do not have one of these, you may be able to borrow a friend's.)
• 1 mirror for practice (see above)
• 1 environment in which to perform (see below for further details)
• 1 video camera to capture your award-worthy performance (optional)
• 2 hands (optional)

Notes on environment

Tip

Remember not to forget what your environment is! Fish may remember things for only three seconds, but that doesn't mean you have to. Entrust the knowledge to a friend if you doubt your memory.

You will find it helpful to have sufficient space to exist in. If using your hands for extra effect, you will also need space to move your arms up to your head. Beyond this, any environment will do. For help on choosing an environment, try to think like a fish. This will not only help with method acting, but will make the performance more enjoyable for you and your audience.

Costume

As fish do not usually wear clothes, most fish impressionists do not worry about costume. You may, however, like to paint your face green or another suitable fishy colour. It all depends on what kind of fish you are impersonating, and on your own personal taste.

Method

Tip

Don't corpse your character!

Okay, you're set up and ready to do your impression! Now it's time to show people how incredible a fish you can be. Remember to think like a fish throughout, and to produce the most impressive impression you can.

An example of a very, very bad fish impression

1. Open your mouth, to produce an "O" shape.

2. Wider than that.

3. That's better.

4. Close your mouth.

5. Repeat.

6. If using your hands, place them over your ears, with the palms facing towards your head. Whenever you open your mouth, turn your hands outwards slightly so that the palms are facing backwards. Place the palms back when you close your mouth. This will simulate gills.

7. Do not be disturbed if you find you cannot hear anything. This is because your hands are covering your ears.

8. Get a friend/colleague/acquaintance/grandmother to film you. For best results, however, you may find it useful to begin filming before step 1.

What's next?

Tip

Remember- if you're performing in water, do not use your hands to simulate gills. You will be unable to swim and may drown.

Having completed your fish impression successfully, you may enjoy performing impressions of:

• Linford Christie (an excellent next step for the beginner)
• A Squid
• Stephen Hawking
• Lions
• Tigers
• Bears

Or you could even try making up some of your own. Happy impressionation!

Notes

• ^ This may, however, have been due to the King's unscrupulous taste in concubines.