HowTo:Be a guitar hero

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“Pssht. I've had all of them more times than their groupies.”

~ Oscar Wilde on guitar heroes

“I know, right?”

~ Eddie Van Halen on the fact he allegedly got a hummer from Oscar Wilde


~ Paul Gilbert on himself

It's all about long hair, leopard print, and leather pants. Don't forget to smoke.

First of all, fuck you.

Why did I just say that?[edit]

That's the attitude you need to take when you're in a band. Even when your pussy ass is headbanging to Jethro Tull in your trailer, remember that above all. Also, take this stance in your lyrics and musical style.


  • When talking about partying, only use "Fuck you!" when talking about how the cops busted you for trying to make it with your 4th cousin.
  • Love songs (Feel free to lie since no one will ever love you.)
  • Calling your mother
  • Calling your whore
  • Oh, sorry. Redundant.

Now then, first things first: Learn to play guitar. Secondly, play riffs behind your back and with your teeth simultaneously. Only then will you reach the level of Yngwie Malmsteen's student God. Next,

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Buying the right guitar[edit]

Prince and his axe.

“Just try to play faster than me. I'll get Ozzy to bite your fucking head off!”

~ Yngwie J. Malmsteen on your guitar

First of all, don't be a fucking copycat. Don't buy any replica guitars, nor should you buy any signature models or guitars made by

  • Epiphone
  • LTD
  • Squire
  • Charvel
  • Your mom

But that last one especially. Those things are cheaper than that coke whore you bought last night.

Next, we'll have to pick out your style. Since you aren't yet a guitar hero, we can assume you are a fag. Assuming that assumption that we just assumed, put a half-burnt cigarette behind your strings, you cheap knock-off, you.


Indeed, colour is the most important part of your guitar. Try to choose really bright colours, or really dark colours. Colours like bright white, transparent auburn, amazing purple, citrus yellow, E.Coli green are good for guitars. Dark colours like dark black, dark brown, 15 cents coin grey are also very catchy. Don't pick colours like sun-orange, burnt red and rosewood brown because they are so goddamn boring. Remember to choose the colours in the visible spectrum range, so your audience can see your guitar. If all else fails, break your bathroom mirror into pieces and use a power drill to fasten them to your guitar. Give the leftover pieces to your emo friends.


An example of good guitar shape.

Choose the unique-shaped guitar, like the one on the picture. As you can see, the guitar reflects freedom, with boobs, vagina, legs and other stuff. In addition, add something superfluous to the guitar that has nothing to do with your band or you. Like:

  • A toilet seat
  • A rubber chicken
  • Your mum
  • Jesus
  • Rubber penises (Extra comedic effect if you can suck one while you play a solo.)
  • Rubber vaginas (You're an idiot if you actually do that, y'know.)
  • Rubber anything

In fact, just COAT your guitar in rubber. Bounce it up and down on stage when you hit the whammy bar and let it bounce up and send your testes into your brain.

After you select the colour and shape, you need to name your guitar. Yes, you heard it correctly, name your guitar. Name it something masculine, such as ASS RAPER, DOOMFUCKER, RAGEKILLER, ASS-RAPING DOOMING FUCKING RAGE KILLING SUNSHINE BITCH, and my personal favorite SHIT. Don't you ever name it with mainstream things like Rainbow, Sunshine, Melinda, Angelica,Bob, orJimbo. Write the name on the guitar, so you won't lose it. Preferably, write it beside the bridge so everyone can see it. Also, never name it for a girlfriend/wife/blow-up doll. We will only make fun of you for it.

See also[edit]