Horn Book
“It makes me horny just thinking about it.”
“Speak softly and carry a book made of horns.”
The Horn Book is a preschool textbook written by naturalist/hunter Theodore Roosevelt about animals with horns. They are arranged alphabetically.
What prompted Teddy to write the Horn Book?[edit]
Teddy Roosevelt was known to wrestle many horned beasts in his life and he often won. He was a regular in Spanish bullfights, and he would win respect from all over the world. Everyone from old people to rednecks would toss flowers at him when he beat the bulls. Children would often play "wrestle the horn from the bull" in the park (this game was a candidate for the national sport of Australia, but it was deemed too "stupid" by Australian prime minister Rupert Murdoch). His most famous moment was when he ripped off a horn and held it up for all to see. Children would often fantasize about this, and they would become fascinated with horns. As a result, Teddy began to think about writing a novel about his experiences. However, he needed to dumb it down for the children. He went on a hunting expedition around the world looking for the most ferocious beasts, and he would not stop until he had a beast for every letter of the alphabet. He decided to turn it into an alphabet book, and placed one horned beast for each animal because he believed that children could not read properly. He would also include sample horns in each book so as to satisfy the children.
The Horn Book today[edit]
The Horn Book is still used in preschools around the world for the purpose of teaching the alphabet. However, schools in Red states have often added Christian prayers to them at the behest of the Religious Right and the Kansas state board of education. They are also put on paddles and used as corporal punishment tools, as the horns makes for a much more painful beating.
Oftentimes, Horn Books were trained for this purpose by members of the Religious Right. Training them to only hit children was especially difficult until brainwashing was utilized. Cops also used Horn Books as a replacement for dogs in hunting criminals as a way to save money. The chief of the NYPD said that they didn't have to be fed. Rumors that a Horn Book was used in the beating of Rodney King have surfaced, but have not yet been proven.
However, replica Horn Books have often been created as coffee table books, and hunters have often been known to create their own Horn Books with the species they hunted. Famed hutner Charlton Heston created a Horn Book out of rare animal horns, such as Elephants, Unicorns, and Summoners.
Wild Horn Books?[edit]
Of course, all this abuse of animal horns can make the animals very mad. Some beasts have evolved a hormone that they inject into their horns in anticipation of inclusion in Horn Books. As such, it is not uncommon for Horn Books to suddenly attack their owners. Oftentimes, insurance companies capitalize on this and sell a form of "Horn Book insurance," which simply involves polishing all surfaces with a solvent that dissolves horns on impact.
Many cases have been reported of Horn Books escaping from their owners and moving from residence to residence at night. Many communities have added extra lighting to densely populated areas in order to prevent Horn Book related accidents. However, a woman in St. Louis, Missouri has reported a case of a Horn Book attacking and killing a robber, baffling police.
The environmentalist reaction[edit]
Naturally, with all these killings of horned beasts to make Horn Books, evil hippies have had a backlash. Many of them have rioted on the steps of City Hall trying to get the Mayor to ban horn books. However, the mayor just rammed them.
Many hippies lobbied to create a Horn Book Wildlife Refuge to find a place where Horn Books could run wild without fear of being used. The proposal was shut down as too dangerous.
