Herefordshire
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Fordshire better known as Herefordshire is a cunty in Western True England. Travellers are sexually attracted to Herefordshire because of cider, an alcoholic drink involving apples and the famous Ferdinand Bull who was deported from Spain because of Spanish pirates. Now let's move on to the next topic fuckfaces!
Geography[edit]
Herefordshire is divided into several districts. Why Valley, Mortimer Cunty, Hereford City, Western Mordor Hills and Welshfordshire District, all the districts that represent the county. More information can be found on each one, somewhere.
Hereford is the only city of Herefordshire UNLESS you count Ross on Why which isn't a city but most people think it is the Why River capital of the world! If you believe in that then you are a dumb cunt. Here is a list of places NOW STOP ASKING WHAT THEY ARE BITCHES!!!
- Hereford
- Ross on Why
- Leadbury
- Leo-Minster
- Promyard
- Hay on Welsh Why
There are also national parks including Mordor Hills and the Black N-word Mountains.
You need to understand Herefordshire[edit]
History[edit]
Herefordshire was created in the Year Of The Bull, a Chinese year. So Herefordshire was actually founded by Chinese immigrants.
Politics[edit]
Herefordshire supports the Conservative Football Team Party. David Fucking Twat Cameron moved from Whitney to Hereford to support the decisions. BUT Jesse Norman beat him in the 2017 elections to become president of Hereford. David and Nick weren't pleased by news and were very PISSED off! So that is why Jesse Norman is the president of the county.
Unless you follow politics closely, don't bring up negative issues or jokes about the Conservatives or Labour party. Followers will be very offended. Don't ask locals who they voted for or their opinions about Brexshit.
Culture[edit]
Herefordshire's culture has involved cider drunks, people who regularly drink cider at their shithole which is literally a pub but they call it pisshole or shithole WHATEVER STOP ARGUING!!! Herefordians, people who live or were born in the county are either half English or half Welsh. One side of the cunty is True English and the other side is English Welsh. Unfortunately Hereford has several politician clashes frequently, and on the news they feature one side fighting with the other protesting. More about that below.
Herefordshire's diet includes pork fillets with cranberry sauce and cider, their county dish which is always eaten by the locals but not quite the tourists. Anyone who insults their national dish will be treated harshly depending on where they're from. Locals will serve a jail sentence for life or they will be executed to DEATH whilst tourists get whipped and deported. Deported means kicked out of the county forever. but if they sneak in, a jail sentence of 10 years to the death penalty applies. Once a month, a national cider drinking competition takes place in Hereford. There are competitions from strongest cider to see who can drink the most.
How to get in without being an illegal immigrant[edit]
By aeroplane – Herefordshire doesn't have any airports, stupid dumb asses! The nearest one is Cardiff in English Wales. How dare you believe there is one in Hereford, wankers! Planes would scare the cows.
By car – Now you're talking! Herefordshire has LOTS of county controls meaning you have to pay £5 to get in for the day. Locals are exempt which means they don't have to pay which pisses the hell for tourists and foreigners.
By train – The line runs from Newport through Herefordshire to Shropshire and Worcestershire. Trains aren't very often so use them sparingly! If you miss the last one out, you can ask a local when the goods trains run and the best places to catch them.
By bus – Except Hereford, Herefordshire doesn't have any bus services operating. How sad is that for the over 60s! GET USED TO IT YOU TWATS! Or get your husband or wife to take you in the county. If you ask nicely, you probably won't have to ride in the boot most of the way.
By boat – The River Why? transports boats around Hereford and Ross on Why? Only two services operate a day.
The language of Herefordshire[edit]
English is the national language in Eastern Herefordshire. Welsh is the national language in West Herefordshire. NEVER speak English in the west and don't do the same if you speak Welsh in the east! Anyone failing to speak the correct language will be punished. Locals will be put in jail for 3 months followed by 500 whippings whilst foreigners will be jailed for a month followed by 100 whips and deportation. Don't ask why there are two languages in Herefordshire. People think that Belgian immigrants wanted Herefordshire to be like their country so that is why the language border was created. This has caused controversy in Hereford and mostly on the A49 road from Ross on Why? to Ludlow. Anyway you better learn English or Welsh if you're a foreigner or else!
See you attractions[edit]
Herefordshire has lots of sightseeing.
The Herefordshire Beacon is a naked hill flattened at the top. It is the perfect stop for nutters who can speculate all they want about space aliens and the like. Dirt lovers will spend hours here. Your pet pig will have a time of it here during the rainy season, but keep an eye out for any hungry locals hanging about.
Arthur's Stone is a dolmen, a posh name for a pile of rocks. Legends about the site abound. It is said that on foggy days, King Arthur himself can be seen sacrificing C.S. Lewis atop the dolmen while being cheered on by Druids and small furry animals.
The area is otherwise chockablock with enough castles and churches to cause permanent stiff necks from looking upward and arm cramps from pointing. Perhaps the most important of these is Hampton Court, an estate built like a castle to discourage visits from the relatives.
How to stay safe[edit]
Other than Hereford City, Herefordshire is a safe place to visit. Avoid the suburbs and the centre during rush hour because of violent demonstrations involving the English and Welsh language. Protests occur every day and locals plus tourists get killed if negative comments are made. However tourist attractions, quiet restaurants and shopping centres are fine.
The countryside is home to bulls and cattle. For those not in the know, pigs and chickens are the little ones; cattle are the big animals. Do not go near them. Bulls have attacked people because they mess with them. Only the locals can access pastures. Despite stereotypes, the languages is fascinating to learn if you're a foreigner and that is English east of the A49 road and Welsh west of the A49 road. This is true up to the centre divide line there.
Lesbians and gay people are very welcome in the county. The locals are incredibly friendly with tourists who are gay or lesbian. Gay marriage is legal and the mayor of Hereford attends the city ones. Hate crime isn't allowed excepting Canadians who insist on pouring maple syrup on everything. Anyone who discriminates LGBT will be whipped, fined, jailed and maybe even the death penalty. Because of this, Muslims are banned from entering due to complex issues.
In sports, Hereford FC is a well loved team by the locals. Any jokes, mocking or criticism isn't taken lightly. Avoid negative comments if you don't support them. Young fans love jokes but the elderly will beat the crap out of you with walking sticks. Local teams like Ross or Newent which is in Gloucestershire is in a fierce rivalry often called the Cross Border Derby or the B4221 Derby. Violence has erupted between the two so avoid these matches if you don't want to get beaten like shit or stabbed to death. Because of this, pubs ban football and rugby shirts even on matchdays.
In religious matters, Herefordshire is a Christian dominated county although atheists are popular. Muslims are banned from entering due to LGBT and terrorist issues. They will face jail for 3 years if entering. If you're Asian, approach with extreme caution. If you're a Canadian Asian Muslim, take the advice of Pink Floyd and run like hell.