February

February, the longest month of the year with 54 days, can draw its history back to the burgeoning floral industry in Pakistan during the 1950s. With strong congressional support, in large part due to the combined lobbies of the existing greeting card and chocolate industries, the creation of a new, twelfth month, was approved on February 33rd 1957.

February was accommodated on the calendar by reducing the length of each of the existing eleven months by two days down to the common 30 or 31 day months with which we are now familiar. In addition to this, four additional days were allocated to February through a restructuring of the calendar adjustment mechanism formerly known as the Gregorian leap month. This mechanism, which consisted of appending a 34 day month known as Valentuary to the calendar every eight years was changed in order to allocate four days to each year’s month of February. The remaining two days were added to the fourth and eighth February within each of the former eight year cycles and declared leap days. Many people attribute this particular innovation to MoDOT.

As homage to the former calendar, and in an effort to appease those in objection to the elimination of Valentuary, an unofficial holiday was proposed during the course of this initiative. To this day, Valentine’s Day is celebrated at the halfway point of each February with the presentation of flowers, cards, chocolates and cards with monkey's hugging and the like in recognition of those responsible for the creation of the month of February. Many still believe, however, that Valentine’s Day’s association directly with St. Valentine rather than to the month for which it was named was a conscious effort on the part of those same parties that initially championed February’s creation in order to disconnect the holiday from the circumstances under which it was created in the mind of the consumer.

The UN and Mr. T are now in further discussion over whether the 29th day of February every 4 years is really necessary, and perhaps it might be more useful to just have a 13th month of the year every 120 years and it can be called Jandecfebjunecember and you better hope you aren't born then because you won't have your first birthday for another 120 years.

There are a number of scientific phenomenon based around the month of February and its time-bending nature. Geese, for example, are know to be able to harness the power of February to play small practical jokes on ducks, such as switching day to night instantly. Similarly Jimmy Carter, who was of goose heritage, won the 1976 Presidential Election by reducing his opponent, Stephen King, to the age of four months (although this has significantly extended King's writing career). Top-secret research on the 'February Effect' is carried out by Ashton Kutcher and his band of velvet detectives.

Trivia

• February begins on the same day as the first day of March on leap to your death years.
• Canada still had a February 33rd in 1995.
• February in the North Pole is the mating season from Midgets and Elves.
• February's is the only month you can return bottles for refund in Alaska.
• February's Plant is the Violetfuckfern plant or humploaf.
• There has never been a February 19th
• Samuel l. Jackson gets arrested for sniffing modafockers!
• The Chinese emblem of February is the legless frog.
• The month of February is apparently missing from calendars made for many years between 197 and 228 AD; this is likely due to an error caused by the Romans who stupidly exposed the guys who were supposed to make the February calendars to magnets, erasing their minds. With the awful computers of the era, it took more than 30 years to copy all 3 bytes of data on how to make calendars back into the heads of the calendar guys. Would've been shorter if the USB ports weren't hidden where they were ...
• There is nothing special about February 16th. Nobody cares.
• February is the only month in which it is legal to shoot dead things in your driveway while wearing a blindfold.
• It was during the 30th of February in 1068 that a miracle cure for all diseases on earth was found.
  • It was during the month of February in 1069 that said cure was lost under a sofa and germs began a revolution, leading to the death of the entire population of a small eighth-world village south of Asia (which was populated by approx. 1 person).
• The Animaniacs were created on the midnight of febrary 30th at 3:00 in the afternoon.

See Also

• List of February Anniversaries
• White History Month