Famine Stamp
| Famine stamps | |
 A ration of famine stamps, capable of lasting most families a month. These particular famine stamps are shipped to China as family size. In North Korea, such stamps are marketed as jumbo villiage size. Picture scanned to scale. | |
| Slogan: | The Real Democratic Koreans' Treat!™
You can't spell oppression without Famine stamps!™ |
|---|---|
| Manufacturer: | DPRK Foods, though expanded to Chinese Hoshishimayasha Corporation. |
| Shipping to: | North Korea, People's Republic of China, Zaire, Cuba, Colombia |
| Human Rights Violations: | |
“It takes an entire North Korean villiage to create one famine stamp, but one famine stamp can feed an entire North Korean villiage”
- ~ Kim Jong-Il on Famine Stamps
Famine Stamps (Slogan The Real Democratic Peoples' Korean Treat!™) is a series of stamps created by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea developed in response to American made ration stamps. Famine Stamps, in contrast to ration stamps, are marketed cheaper. It is also claimed on the box that "nine out of ten government funded doctors under threat of death recommend famine stamps as a healthy alternative to food when it is unavailable." Famine stamps come in a variety of flavours, including, but not limited to: ground glass, deep fried defector, toasted tick, grandma, hypodermic needle, cat, and the ever popular mystery flavor. They are marketed to over 20 countries in the unfree world, and are expected to ship to the United States by 2008. The line of stamps has been accused of over forty two human rights violations in the production, marketing, and ingredients (fourty three if you count UN Article 30 on the matter). North Korea has dismissed such allegations on the grounds of insanity.
History and Development[edit]
With output from the Rice Mines(according to US intelligence this "rice" is actually a smokey quartz marketed as rice by the government) at an all time low in the year of 1990, Kim Jong-Il needed a product developed that would replace his Peoples' Rice Krispies cereal (made with "REAL" rice). With a little encouragement at gunpoint, North Korean scientists had perfected the Famine Stamp by 2004, and were issued to all the provinces of North Korea.
The Famine Stamp Cycle[edit]
| “ | ...Famine stamps are produced by our factories. A person eats the famine stamp, sometimes later dying of their dreams of capitalism, or sometimes tripping on a nail while visiting our government headquarters. Their body is transported to our famine stamp production facilities.
Sometimes our dear leader is sad. To happy our dear leader, a person is sent to work at the rice mine. Sometimes a villiage will make him sad. The above process starts again. Unmarked taxis hired by American tourists make 10% of our Famine Stamp output, just below nuclear waste, herein referred to as New Clear Paste, one of our most popular flavors of famine stamps. As a highly industrious country, The Grand Democratic Peoples' Republic of Korea has landfills that will get full from time to time...especially after UN visits. The bodies often stink up the place... |
” |
—Information recovered from the corpse of a defector, shot one inch from the other side of the Demilitarized Zone. | ||
Ration Stamp Competition[edit]
In an effort to stop communism from spreading to countries that can otherwise not purchase or create more food, ration stamps have ben offered to countries for the mere price of $8 per gram in the flavors of Toasted Terrorist, Freedom, and Crunchy Commie. Famine stamps always succeeded, especially in totalarian states. The reasons for this are due to the fact that Famine Stamps can be made out of practically anything: defectors, cats, random sticks in the woods, even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's coat.
Famine stamps have even found themselves licensed to American companies. Apple has been sending them with each of their products as iStamps as a token of appreciation for the many Apple fans who have licked Steve Jobs's boots for creating their favorite operating system Macintosh OS X. In response, Microsoft has offered Microsoft Edible Stamps 2007 Standard Edition based off of American made Ration Stamps in every box of Windows Vista sold, albeit a trial edtion in which flavor wears off in one second.
Most Popular Flavors[edit]
Famine Stamps have had a cult following, as recommended on threat of death by the most wise leaders of each country. Here are the most popular flavors in each country in which famine stamps are made.
- North Korea: Kimchi Il-Sung aka "The Eternal Flavor" (Korean: 우리의 웅대한 유구한 대통령 김일성다음에 지명되는 김치의 우리의 유구한 웅대한 풍미)
- People's Republic of China: Mao-Style Minced Pig (Traditional Chinese: 資本家輕微地不同地養殖了豬準備著的有些相似但與我們親愛的已故的領導人毛澤東不同但因為人無法適當地複製我們親愛的領導的工作)
- Japan: Sake Stamps (Katakana: 多分私達の政府の為税を避ける違法平均によって得られる小さい酔った為の常習者が消費するスタンプ。)
- Cuba: Castro's Great Flavor (Spanish: El sabor revolucionario creado por nuestro dictador eterno benévolo Fidel Castro en el esmero a su cerdo revolucionario estimado, cercano del capitalista de las carnes asadas el consistir en Che Guevara con la salsa del extremo de cigarro de la firma de Castro.)
- Iran: Infused Food for Non-Believers (Arabic:الايراني اسلوب دست الكفار كما اعدته وأوصت به الزميل العزيز الحالية والى الابد الشيعه الرئيس محمود أحمدي نجاد.)
- Vietnam: Ho Chi Minhi Wheat (Vietnamese: cây lúa mì sản vật tạo trước Ho Chi Minh với Châu Mỹ quân lính)
- Zaire:* Mobutu's Moderated Munchies (French: Les timbres modérés de Mobutu de la famine qui goûtent tout à fait bons et savoureux ou bien de vous mourront une mort douloureuse horrible lente par le travail de l'ebola.)
- United States:' Expected to be God's Bountiful Flavor (Redneck†: Dang dere stamps dere dat Jesus loves ta eat dere dat we love too dere with dang dere Buds dere and Nascar)
* Since Zaire collapsed before the existence of perfected famine stamps, it should be noted that they were marketed as prototypes entitled "Mobutu's Moderated Munchies". Needless to say it wasn't very popular, since the introduction to these stamps was in early 1997.
† Since redneck is only a spoken language, this translation uses the IRRS, or International Redneck Romanization Standard (redneck: Dat dere enternashi onal redneck rightins systemajig or "ERRS", or "DURRS" - dat dere unternashional rednek rightins systemajig), system to romanize the ramblings.
Expiriments by AT&T[edit]
AT&T has recently looked into Famine Stamps. Since they are cheaper to manufacture than phones, they have been proposed as an alternative to phone service, as well as a tasty snack for all the "walking animal things that give us extensive amounts of money". Currently nine out of ten of the AT&T funded testers thought that the use of Famine Stamps was much more satisfying than calling someone on the phone.
Criticism[edit]
From South Korea[edit]
American funded South Korean officials have long criticized the use of Famine Stamps, saying that they were unhealthy and communist in nature. The main argument against the stamps is the overdosage of communism. The daily recommended intake (based on a 2000 calorie capitalism) of communism by the recommendations of the FDA is one half of an ounce per serving, with one to two servings per day. Increasing over this amount per day can have many lasting side affects; it includes(but is not limited to): dry mouth, constipation, desire for equality, extreme admiration for berets and facial hair, self censorship, tolerance, preference to Macintosh computers, and a tendency to reenact George Orwell's 1984.
From the USA[edit]
The Bush Administration has said this about Famine Stamps when asked about what they think about Famine Stamps:
| “ | They're communist. God doesn't like them because they're different from us. | ” |
—George Walker Bush, December 2003 | ||
When asked about the Ration Stamp program, they replied with this:
| “ | They're not communist...and they [don't] suppress the rights of the people like famine stamps. We've introduced this program in Iraq already, and it's been successful. The rate of car bombing in Iraq has decreased for 10 last month to only 14 this month. We pray for continued success of the program. | ” |
—Donald Rumsfeld, December 2005 | ||
From Russia[edit]
The main criticisms of Russia is the stamp isn't red enough (Russian: Проголодайте штемпеля не имейте пенис, котор нужно быть поистине коммунистической едой.). Putin was quoted as saying that "he wouldn't kill a KGB spy to gain a famine stamp". When inquiring Stalin's corpse of the matter, he started to violently roll in his grave. A similar reaction, reported by worthless unreliable defectors was said to have happened when Kim Il-Sung had been inquired about the stamps during a seyonce.
From the United Nations[edit]
So far there hasn't been a responses from the United Nations about the stamp itself, nor any resolutions concerning it. Reasons to this are unknown, but mostly pinned on whining by Jacques Chirac and questions by Michael Bolton.
From King Hroþareiks, king of the Visigoths[edit]
The King has made this statement about the stamps:
| “ | Me no like Famine Stamps - too small unlike pig. Pig still small - heart not enough to feed real man against. No bleeding. No fun in eating famine stamp raw. Burn in fire. No point in eating. I carve luck rune, it fall apart. I marinate in pig blood, it fall apart. I sacrifice to Thor, Thor smite dog of mine - ripper. Sheep choke on stamp. Dump in lake and have cursed it, but lake dry up. Have feeded to pet caged Romans, they die. No torture, no nothing - dead cold. Waterbottle of fire water still in corner of cage. Famine Stamps bad. | ” |
—Hroþareiks, Gorath: The Book | ||