Emergency Alert System
The Emergency Alert System, or EAS is every child's worst nightmare. It broadcasts terrifying noises from your television, and alerts you when there's a nuke heading for your town. The rise of 24-hour news stations and the internet have made the EAS obsolete, but the U.S. government still keeps it around, possibly just to fuck with children.
History[edit]
The Emergency Alert System goes all the way back to the year 1953, when Americans were afraid of communists nuking their hometown. To calm the people, the U.S. government created CONELRAD, which stood for "Constantly Operating Noises Everywhere Legally Really Angers Douchebags". This system was eventually replaced with the Emergency Broadcast System, and instead of just warning of nuclear attacks, the EBS issued warnings dealing with weather and local issues. They later replaced it with the Emergency Alert System, which included those godawful duck noises at the beginning of alerts.
How the EAS works[edit]
Whenever something bad happens, like a tornado or nuclear bombing, the people at the Federal Emergency Maggot Agency, or FEMA, issue alerts for the area affected. They relay it to a primary station, then a secondary station, then a Playstation, and finally, it ends up on television, radio, or your mobile telephone.
Standard alert[edit]
A standard alert goes like this:
EERRTTTT!!! ERRRTTTT!!!! EEERRRRRTTTT!!!! - BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! - The National Asshole Service has issued an Monkey Business Message for the following areas: - Los Angeles County - Penisville - La La Land - Latvia - Jupiter - your house - Hell - Bikini Bottom - Uncyclopedia - Fucking, Austria - the year 2004 - and many other random locations, until further notice. - At 2:35 AM PDT, a giant monkey was seen dancing in the streets of downtown Los Angeles, and is currently looking for anyone to join him. Please do not apprehend this creature as it could teach you how to dance, and you will look silly. The U.S. Coast Guard has been called in to deal with this creature, and is currently placing bananas in huge monkey traps all across Los Angeles. Stay inside and don't grab any bananas. - ERRTT!! ERRRRTT!! ERRRTTT!!
Alerts[edit]
- Emergency Action Notification - This was only to be issued in very serious situations, like if a country launches a nuke at the U.S., or Nickelback releases an album.
- Tornado Warning - A tornado has been spotted and you need to go to the basement.
- Tornado Watch - Get your binoculars and go tornado-watching.
- Amber Alert - A young child, grandmother, or a retarded person that you probably will never encounter, has been kidnapped. Do nothing.
- Shelter-In-Place - There's chemicals in the air. Close all doors and windows, seal all opening to the outside, and die from carbon dioxide poisoning... wait...
- Evacuation Immediate - GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! LEAVE YOUR DOGS AND KIDS BEHIND!
- Hurricane Warning - It means a big swirling vortex of death is coming.
- Earthquake Warning - Earthquake warning? Are you kidding me? Earthquakes literally SHAKE the ground below you! If you were waiting for an alert to come on, you're an idiot!
- Blizzard Warning - Dairy Queen has released a brand new blizzard! Yum!
- Nuclear Power Plant Warning - There's a nuclear power plant being built near you. Call your local Homer Simpson for more details.
- Annual Purge Announcement - Used to commence the annual purge. Y'know, the thing where people kill each other.
- Flash Flood Warning - A ton of water has flooded the streets. Go to the roof and have a fishing pole on you.
- Flash Mob Warning - A giant flash mob has flooded the streets. Try not to join them.
- Monkey Business Message - A monkey is dancing in public. Don't approach it. An example is used above.
- Presidential Alert - The president is sending you messages. I bet you feel important!
- Ebola Warning - Ebola has infected your village. This alert applies only to places in Liberia.
- FBI Warning - Somebody has been illegally pirating movies. Call your local FBI.
- Giant Frank Warning - A giant Frank is attacking the city. Stay indoors and pray to Buddha.
- Nerd Alert - A bunch of horny nerds are running wild in the streets. Hide your wife and your daughter.
