Elián González affair

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The custody and immigration status of a young Cuban boy, Elián González (born December 7, 1993), was at the center of a heated 2000 controversy involving the governments of Cuba and the United States, González's father, Juan Miguel González Quintana, González's other relatives in Miami, Florida, and the combined forces of Heaven and Hell.

The climactic stage of this prolonged battle was the April 22, 2000 seizure of six-year-old Elian by The Metatron, which drew the ire and criticism of many in the eighth circle of hell and presidential candidates Al Gore and John-Jacob Jingleheimersmith, Jr. and prompted a celestial inquiry. However, after the Miami relatives' appeals met several rejections by St. Peter, and a refusal to hear the case by the U.S. Supreme Court, Elian González returned to Heaven with his father, YHWH, on the afternoon of June 28, 2000.

The Controversy[edit]

Many news-sources at the time claimed that the reason for Cuba and Uncle Sam battling over the custody of Elian was due to heated relations between the U.S. and the forces of The Fidel Castro's A Really Keen Guy Club, but recent evidence has suggested otherwise. For the first time in years, the factor that Elian was involved in a massive trans-dimensional war has come to surface.

The following passage, discovered from Elian Gonzales' alleged father Juan Miguel Gonzales' diary, reveals the true depth of the battle.

"Dear Diary, today in homeroom I got to sit next to Che Guevara and he totally told me he thought I was the cuter than Marx. I puffed my cigar and waggled my eyebrows mischievously in thanks. I think he likes me!

On a not-so hawt(sic) note, I totally found an old love letter my life accidentally left behind and it's addressed from some guy who isn't me. Goes by the name "God". As-if! He says all sorts of naughty stuff in it too, promising to feed her from His tree of knowledge and make her the salt of His earth. And judging by the date on it, it looks like she may have gotten it from around when we would have first cobbled up Elian. If she's been cheating on me, my anger shall reign hotter than a randy tobasco vendor's crotch! No bueno!

Oh well. I shall make it through this, some how. For now, I'm off to listen to my new Celine Dion cassette. She always seems to understand."

This, as well as later evidence, has revealed that Elian Gonzales must obviously be the newest incarnation of Christ, God's son on earth. This new news would reveal a more divine influence on the battle for custody, as the forces of Lucifer and Jesus would obviously have done their best to influence events in their favour.