Chester

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“Chester is a child molester”

~ Oscar Wilde

Chester, {Caer Welsh, Deva Latin, Chester laa Scouse} is a city in Northwest England situated between Liverpool, Manchester and Hollyoaks. It is proudly and firmly English, and, consequently, has located its parody football club in the nearby area of Sealand, making it the fifth most successful club in Wales after Cardiff, Swansea, Wrexham and the fifth Newport cub-scouts.

History

Chester was founded as a port by the Romans, ignoring the conventional objection that it is twenty miles inland. Initially, it consisted of nine houses, a dung hill, three pubs and a male-only brothel. However, in the intervening centuries have seen considerable development, and there are now five pubs. In 1360 the River Dee dried up to reveal a fully-working racecourse to which have now been added a couple of marquees, a spray-shop specialising in giving Liverpudlian hookers a healthy orange glow.

Population

Up to seven people live in Chester at any given time, making it the second largest conurbation in Cheshire after the significantly more populous it’s not Liverpoooool, I live on the fuckin’ Wiral.

Sightseeing

The University is unquestionably the best in the country, often described as the Harvard of the UK. A great proportion of these students go on to work for The Department of Work and Pensions, administering claiming Jobseekers’ Allowance.

The cathedral is the biggest attraction and is supposedly haunted by the ghost of Magnus Magnusson. It recently underwent a £1million renovation and now boasts underfloor heating, a detachable roof and seven guest-beers.

Eating and drinking are very popular in Chester as food and drink are sold at 1950s prices. All local restaurants specialize in cuisine from former countries such as Persia and Caramac. The busiest pub is the Cross Foxes, mainly because it is run by Dave, a mutated ogre who prevents customers from ever leaving unless they answer him these riddles three.

For some reason, people come from miles around to shop in Chester. They clearly haven't realized that Tesco and Sainsbury's are also present in almost every large town in the country. The famous Rows are, it has to be said, interesting architectural features, being made of timber-framed Cheshire cheese, which adds a pungent aroma to the shopping experience. Also look out for the air fresheners on the rows which are rumored to smell of urine and demented cats.

Chester at night is another great experience. RB's nightclub is a must, simply because there isn't anywhere else to go except Brannigan's, "where people make the party.". If you've seen the kind of people in the queue, you'll already know the parties there are rubbish. If you can get out of Brannigan's without losing your shoes, socks, and skin from your feet due to the high stickiness of the dancefloor, you deserve a medal. At RB's it is almost always 80s night, to satisfy the city's aging population, for whom two-decade-old culture is as modern as they can get without suffering hernias. However, every Thursday night the local council decides to empty the bottle banks from Morrisons, Sainsbury's, Tesco, and the tip of the football ground onto the RB's dancefloors. It also has a disco floor, where no one is ever allowed to take alcohol onto. Those that do wish a harsh penalty - they may be forced to become Welsh, which is by no means a fair punishment. This floor will often be littered with 18-21-year-olds dancing along to 5, High School musical, or S-Club 7.

The University of Chester, surprisingly enough, is located in Chester. Contrary to rumors Chester does not "let anyone with half a GCSE in". Chester prides itself on accepting those with DD at A-Level and DD cup size.

Other false accusations:

• Hollyoaks Community College is not based on the University of Chester
• Lecturers are senile old people who when asked about an assignment topic look at you like you have broken into their house and parked a turd on their living room floor
• The campus is too small
• The library computers to student ratio does not meet official government recommendations
• Lecturers who were refused jobs at Essex Poly were offered and accepted positions at Chester University

Eastgate Clock

The Eastgate clock was erected to celebrate the 60th anniversary of Gyles Brandreth's first appearance on Countdown. It is the second most photographed clock in the world after the Tweeny clock. A gift to the City from Lord Grosvenor, who lives in the house next door, it was originally supported on the back of two camels. This proved too much of a distraction for the Japanese tourists who couldn't decide whether to photograph the clock or the camels first. The city council, therefore, arranged for the Eastgate to be built underneath it last week by some kids from the Lache Ghetto on work experience.

Sport (yeah, seriously, they call it Sport!)

Chester's basketball team, the Phoenix, proudly boast the tallest players in the English league. Previously known as the Jets, the club proudly boasts the title of easiest to rob as the former owner and head coach made off with quite a large sum of money in what is still a largely undiscussed scandal. Luckily, the club has now been rebranded as a 'community club' that is run by a 70+-year-old ogre that is rumored to hold a fetish for sacking players and head coaches. Rumor has it he enjoys feeding off the tears of destroyed careers.

Fans of the Phoenix enjoy the new 'revolving door' system at their new home in the Ellesmere Port. This allows the players to make both a swift entry and a swift exit out of the club.

The university holds a pointless contest call varsity. This is between the two campuses based in Chester and Warrington. Warrington currently holds the varsity crown by winning at sports such as log tossing, duck racing and handbag theft.

Chester's football team is "not the best". Chester's bitterest rivals are Wrexham, who are now relegated to the Blue Square Premier. In an abysmal class of their own, the team has the worst fans in the world whose average attendance could easily fit on a double-decker bus. Chester followed Wrexham a year later with relegation to the Blue Square Premier League and are bollocksed starting with -25 points

The Wrexham/Chester game is regarded as the local derby by both sides, and there have been 104 meetings since 1934, of which Wrexham have won 90, 10 have been drawn and Chester have won four, each of the four as a result of poor penalty decisions.

Chester fans are jealous of Wrexham's victory over Arsenal in the FA Cup in January 1992. Chester will never reach those heights and accordingly, most Chester fans exist in a near-suicidal state. Luckily suicide is prevented by taking solace in the fact that Chester at least, don't have to share their ground with a Rugby club. Some supports even believe that the last 50 Wrexham-Chester derby matches would have been much closer had it not have been for the use of rugby ball as opposed to a football.

True Facts

• Chester is not to be confused with Manchester, where a man lives. However, Chester is full of women and the occasional woman with a penis

• The local accent, according to Hollyhoax, the local news channel, includes Essexish, Mancunian, Scottish, Cockney, Brummy and practically anything which isn't an actual Chester accent.

• It is legal to shoot a Welshman with a bow and arrow if they are inside the city walls after midnight on a Sunday, provided they are of pure Welsh blood

• Chester is named after the glove puppet of children's entertainer Dave Benson-Phillips.

• Other names for Chester include Little Liverpool, Hollyoaks, Arsehole of Nowhere and Deva

• There was once a train crash at the railway station. No-one died. How fun!

• Chester was named after the posh bastard 'Chester Macdougle the third' People thought it'd be nice to name the city formerly named 'INOAN' which stood for 'In Need Of A Name'.

• Plans are in place that will see Chester become its own country

• Look out for Chester the Child Molester (latin name Purple Aki)

• Chester's Member of Parliament is Stephen Mosley, nephew of F1 impresario Max Mosley and grandson of the legendary Oswald Mosley.

• There is a holiday on the week of April 21st entitled "call everyone Chester Week" although it is widely unknown it has been celebrated in a few small towns in southwestern Ohio

• The racehorse Seabiscuit is from Chester. The horse is very unfaithful and is always on the lookout for a new jockey to ride it on a regular basis. Her owner is very troubled and is a dead ringer for Heston Blumenthal. The horse is also very smelly. It is also widely rumored, so probably a fact, that Seabiscuit has been ridden several times by Barry from Eastenders

See Also

• Chester Zoo