Runcorn

Runcorn or Scumcorn is a town in the Northwest of England situated on the River Mersey, whose banks are lined with scenic petrochemical works. Runcorn boasts an industrial cesspit and other industrial "heritage" sites, whose leaching into the water table caused the evolution of a new, lesser form of human some time during the 20th century. Geographically isolated between the River Mersey and the job centre queue, these creatures interbred and are now referred to as 'the locals.'

Runcorn's founders were mostly honourable merchants and farmers. But a massive influx of in-breeding peasants from Madchester in the 1970's have degraded and debased the aboriginal population. To this day, Runcorn remains proud of these humble roots and embarrassed by its neighbours, Widnes and Madchester (shunning the former entirely, unless someone fancies going to Nando's).

Runcorn was recently voted the #1 place to live in the entire United Kingdom, after all other toxic cesspits had been thrown out. The captain of the Titanic famously bought a retirement home in the town. Though he survived the famous sinking, he killed himself when the lorry arrived to begin the actual move.

Runcorn traditions

Runcorn is a proud dystopian society with numerous and varied traditions. For example; in the town charter it is decreed that ' [sic] No man, woman or child shall ever learn to spell here. The population must become trapped by their poor career prospects so that Runcorn might one day spill over into neighbouring towns and cities, spreading like a tumour.' This has formed the basis of much of Runcorn's educational policy since the 60s and is engrained within the very culture of the town. Runcorn has a strong tradition of binge drinking and aggravated assault. It was the inspiration for the novel, and the film adaptation, 'The Hunger Games.' Every night one courageous young man and young woman from each council estate are selected to cross the dimly-lit Town Park and fight to the death against an untold number of drunken chavs hidden in the overgrowth. The winner is lavishly rewarded with extra benefit credits for their community, and a 20 bag. Some have argued that these traditions are in breach of basic human rights, however such critics have been quickly silenced when reminded that the inhabitants of Runcorn are seldom fully human in the first place.

Runcorn Fast Food

Fast food in Runcorn is some of the worst in the country, with a McDonald's that is as useless as an inflatable dartboard and a KFC that is frequently without chicken. Wimpy used to be one of the restaurants that called Runcorn its home, until its closure in 2012 left pentioners without a £4 breakfast deal.

Runcorn Establishments

Public Houses in Runcorn are in high abundance, Pubs in Runcorn serve as a place for the inhabitants to spend their benefits, pick fights and to find a mate. Whilst on most days the "Old Town" is booming with activity Fridays and Saturdays are particularly popular with people going to wreak havoc upon the young and elderly. There a two main "Night Clubs" in Runcorn one being "JD's Bar" which is a hive of villainy and debauchery, the "DJ" is actually a "Flores man" or "Hobbit" (see Homo floresiensis) a species thought to be extinct. The other "Night Club" is "The Chambers" which is where the inhabitants go if they have received a "Crisis Loan" as beverages are significantly more expensive here. Turf wars between these "Night Clubs" are frequent and often end in the DJ being clubbed with with a CD deck until he is unconscious. It is thought that this is the sole reason that runcorn received its recent and most prestigious award of, "Highest admitted head injury in-patients" in the North West of England.

Shanty Town

Typical Runcorn

Upon the emergence of the local population from the shit-filled chemical-laden quagmire the local government was quick to act and constructed a large number of council houses to accommodate them. Runcorn boasts the largest array of social housing in the country designed by blind or otherwise retarded architects and has won many awards for their devastating impact on the landscape. All council housing in the town is specially designed to hide the inbred population and teenage mothers indoors away from the view of passers by who become too distracted by the hideous architecture to notice. Once inside teenage mothers with pushchairs become confused and easily disorientated by a labyrinthine network of closed passages never to be seen again. Whilst the vast majority of the inhabitants of Runcorn survive off benefits a small minority own their own homes. This has caused a number of well documented hate campaigns intended to drive the seemingly elite uberclass out of Runcorn, to make way for more world class dogging sites. In response, private home owners banded together to create the paramilitary organisation 'Neighbourhood Watch' patrolling the border between the 'haves' and 'have-nots' in Chinook helicopters neutralising any threat with AK-47s.

Shopping City, or 'the shitty'

View From Currys' Car Park

Runcorn has two shopping centres. The original shopping area was in the older part of the town on High Street, Regent Street, and Church Street which is now a glorified wine bar and youth hotspot. The wine bar quickly evolved from a respectable drinking establishment to one that still attracts literally thousands of underage drinkers actively recruited from surrounding primary schools, The wine bar was the Original inspiration for the Mos Eisley cantena in the Star Wars saga. The second shopping centre called Halton Lea (formerly known as the shopping city) replaced the Old Town as the most interesting thing in Runcorn. The Shopping city was opened by Queen Elizabeth II in 1972 and was the first American-style shopping centre in the UK. It was designed by the Chief town planner Arthur Ling and was the first building of its type to combine the two great architectural styles of the time, "Women's High security prison" and "Nazi concentration Camp". Today the Shopping city contains a number of businesses that cater for the poverty stricken notably including clothing retailers that exclusively provide for pregnant 6-10 year olds, and a Wilkinsons. Parents on benefits pimp their children out in the shopping city multi-storey car park to make extra cash on the side. The building was designed especially with this in mind and features a number of poorly lit areas free from surveillance cameras complete with bondage equipment. Shoplifting from the local ASDA is considered a right of passage and a way of life here and those that fail to do so are forever banished to the nearby aristocratic town of Frodsham.

In recent years, the local council tried in a desperate bid to reverse the fortunes of the declining shopping centre by adding an extension - Trident Retail Park. For the first time in the history of the town Runcorn had its own cinema and youths had poorly lit public building in which to shoot heroin. However, the optimism was not to last as the retail park failed to attract all but a handful of visitors. The cinema found itself in the centre of a scandal when the only visitors every stupid enough to visit Runcorn contracted AIDS from used hypodermic needles lodged in the cinema seats. The world Health Organisation swiftly responded and bombed the town. The Shopping city and attached retail park survived the fallout with only minor damage.

The Incinerator of Death

In late 2012, the Runcorn council decided that the inhabitants were not mutated enough to reach their goal to become recognized as 'Most Infected Cesspit in the World' in the Guinness Book of World Records. With this in mind, they were left with no other option but to impose an enormous incinerator. Upon construction, the build was heavily protested by pensioners and ASBO-ridden parents. Totally unfazed by the controversy, the build continued and was eventually completed.

To this very day, you can see the adverse effects on the inhabitants of Runcorn from the industrial incinerator, from acne ridden chavs to greasy haired, overweight middle-aged civilians with seven arms and much worse. Runcorn makes Chernobyl look like Niagara Falls.

Local Celebrities

Local Runcorn celebrity Nicola Roberts.

Infamous muscle grabber, Akinwale Arobieke, has spoken fondly of his love for Runcorn and its muscular teenage boys.

Whilst notorious for its high teen pregnancy, STI rates and being on adverts selling cheese; Runcorn is also well known for its production of top celebrities. Fortunately, whilst being recognized as producing some of the greatest media masterpieces to ever grace the world *cough* Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps *cough*, Runcorn residents pride themselves on their idiosyncratic ability to stay grounded. Comedic wool John Bishop also hails from the hellhole of Runcorn. After being forcibly evicted from his native Liverpool as a child, Boship migrated to glamorous Runcorn. Boy, were his friends jealous...