Boeing
| Type | Aircraft company |
|---|---|
| Slogan | "Forever New Frontiers, so let's kill Airbus!" |
| Established | 890 A.D., Seattle, WA |
| Founder(s) | Bill Boeing |
| Headquarters | Chicago, Illinois, U.S. |
| Industry | Flying Carpets and defense |
| Products | Commercial airliners Military aircraft Munitions Space systems Computer |
| Revenue | JPY1,000,000,000,000,000 (US$30) |
| Employees | 1.53 gnats (2006) |
| Website | www.boeing.com |
The Boeing Aircraft Company (which is not spelled Boing - it's spelled Bøuing (British) or Båoing (American)) is the best aircraft company that is based in Seattle, Washington, Canada. It is a major flying carpet maker and defense corporation. Its international headquarters is in Chicago, Illinois, they moved there quite recently since the losers in chicago were robbing them less in broad day light than the broads at Washington State.
History
It was among the last companies to pioneer rust-resistant wings to adapt planes to the rainy weather in the Pacific Northwest. In 1938, Boeing completed work on the Stratoliner. This was the world’s first pressurized-cabin transport aircraft, and it was capable of cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet above most weather disturbances, this allowed passengers to hump without getting a bump. During World War II, Boeing built a huge number of bombers. In recent years, Boeing has come under attack from the European Airbus Conspiracy. It is alleged that this is because Airbus was able to give the word "coach class" a whole new meaning with its company name. A Boeing campaign called "Boing" which features airplanes landing during severe turbulence on unpaved runways produced poor results.
About the name
Boeing was the last name of Billy Bob Barny Boing, the founder of the company. A common urban legend is that the name is derived from the sound a dildo makes when it gets a sudden erection.
Aircraft
Boeing currently produces several different aircraft, most with some design flaws:
- Boeing 007 – wasn't a big success as a airplane
- Boeing 666 - The first sub-terrestrial aeoroplane.
- Boeing 707 – The 707 was the SECOND trans-atlantic jet to see service, narrowly beaten by England's De Disneyland Comet to the finish line. The low bypass turbofans fitted to this plane are so loud and powerful, that it completely disintergrated the test aircraft, and the engines carried on into space. The engines were caught in the gravity of the planet Saturn, and now its characteristic rings are actually the contrails of the 4 engines flying round the distant world.
The turbojets were the result of many years of painstaking research, with several possible methods of power being considered for the new plane. Some of these early ideas was:
- A steam engine developed from the Flying Dutchman - this proved highly inefficent for obvious reasons.
- Windows 95 BETA - After many software crashes, this idea was swiftly removed.
Probably the most successful of these early designs was the removal of wings, and the addition of "Bingo Wings". This idea was simply 8 shirtless obese males on either side of the aircraft, and the idea was that the celluite layers on the bicep area of the arm would produce so much lift, that engines were not needed. For emergency thrust, the people would simply eat food which would spin a small turbine, which would inevitably power the small jet at the back. After these unsuccessful exercises, the head of design finally realised that feeding his workers LSD was clearly not working, so he proposed 4 low bypass turbojets. It became the most successful transatlantic plane of its time, with some still in regular accidents today.
- Boeing 717 - Some sources believe that the uncanny resemblance between this small regional airliner, and the McDonnell Douglas DC-9 and MD-80, and ACAC ARJ21 is merely chance. Or is it? Conspiracy theories abound.
- Boeing 727 - Very similar to the 707 in cross section but smaller in size these aircraft were powered only by three hamsters, each turbocharged to produce 1/5 of a horsepower. Links between the noise on takeoff and tornado outbreaks has been researched by the NSSL, with results proving conclusive.
- Boeing 737 - Nothing more than a 707 that has been fed too much cake, and only has two nuclear-fission-fed hamsters simulating generators on each wing. This jet seats between 100-190 people depending on the country and the size of its people. Hence American and European models have only 100 seats installed while African and Asian models seat 190 and 150 respectively. First described by critics as 'a good guess' the design has increased and decreased in size over the various models as the designers try to hone in on the optimum length. Early models of the Boeing 737 had some unique design features, including the instant convertible top, and a component in the rudder hydraulic feedback mechanism which would cause the rudder to spontaneously move to full deflection uncommanded and the plane to crash. Boeing has since rectified most of these controversial design features, and the 737 now has irritatingly consistent reliability, rivaled only by Japanese built Toyota Corollas.
- Boeing 747 - The worlds first double decker airliner. It is believed that Juan Trippe founder of Pan Am was expressing his desire to hump in the air and hence asked one of his airline's vice Presidents to come up with a suitable arrangement for the same. The blithering idiot of a Vice President misquoted Mr. Trippe while asking Boeing to design Pan Am's next plane. And hence Boeing designed a plane with a hump. The 747's engines are using over 24 intergalactic proton powered Pigs that were overdosed on specially made steroids. More specifically, around quarter of a million horsepower, or around 1/30th of the power of the Saturn 5 first stage.
- Boeing 757 or 7373737 Following the frazier crane mantra "If less is more, just think how much more more would be", Boeing decided to capitalize on the 737's success by taking a standard 737-300, putting it on a diet, stretching it out, and calling it the 757. An alternative theory suggests that it is actually 3 737's taped together. The plane is powered by two Tasmanian devils running on treadmills, enclosed in a engine housing on each wing.
- Boeing 767 A design Inspired by the common garden Slug, this is a 747 with the hump sawed off and a cockpit stolen from the 757. Hence its nickname in piloting circles as the slug. It is powered by two 1.4 litre inline 4 cylinder engines that are found in the Vauxhall Corsa.
- Boeing 777 - The pinnacle of human enginering, there is nothing mankind has ever invented that can compare to the B777-300ER, and 200LR. Many people think that a cure for cancer or AIDS may trump the 'Triple 7', but sadly they are very mistaken and misguided. Powered by two GE90-115B turbofan engines, which can easily suck up any puny soviet junkjets in its way to the runway, these planes go go very fast, for a very long time.
- Boeing 787 Screamliner – This aircraft is made entirely of composite materials, which means that it is not made of beer cans but biodegradable tupperware and masking tape. This airliner was introduced with ANA(L) airlines in Japan. This plane is to compete with the Airbus A340 and A350. . Apparently this aircraft is so environment friendly that it will use no petroleum fuel dug up from the earth because it is grounded on earth. While flying on the 787 you need to arrive 1 hr before flight so that you may stand in line to fart. The fart will then be collected and used to fly the plane you will be on. This aircraft is the alleged inspiration of the Airbus A350, which is ironic considering this plane is essentially a scaled-up copy of the Embraer 170. The fact that few people have heard of Embraer makes Boeing's hypocrisy less well known. Boeing bought second hand laptop batteries for this aircraft of eBay and outsourced software development to India to cut cost...uh, ensure maximum operational reliability.
- Boeing 797 – This aircraft, which has yet to be designed, will revolutionize air travel by using a laser fusion engine to power it. It will fly in 2022 after three years of delays.
- Boeing 769 - This aircraft is not yet on the market but will be put into service with Air France in 2015. The aircraft will have an entire business class configuration. Each seat will have a personal dildo with can be used as the remote control for the on board entertainment screen. Air France will mainly feature french pornos and some german ones. Since french flight attendants smell and look like they have been run over by the jet itself, Air France decided to bring in cheap asian flight attendants who will do anything for you for a $5 tip. The Boeing 769 will operate on the following routes: Paris CDG-Astana Kazakhstan and from Paris CDG-Murmansk Russia.
- Boeing 7x7 = 49 - 400* - A aircraft currently at the pre production phase, it will carry up to 324 & 1/2 passengers, and will be powered by the recently retrieved planet Jupiter. It's speed has been rumoured to be in 15,000 mp/h region and over 5,000 orders have been placed for it already, according to a team of engineers working on the mock airframe.
It does have its sceptics however, with rivals Airbus claiming their new prototype, the McAirbus Deluxe mp/h will be powered by a much more efficent salvaged Chernobyl reactor and a highly advanced autopilot system, which will run off a Commordore 64 CPU. Boeing's CEO shot down these claims as "nonsense" and further added that the staff at Airbus should "stop eating so many frogs"
- Boeing/McDonnell Douglas C-17 - A large flying moose, developed as a more fuel efficeint replacement for Santa's reindeers. However Santa refused to accepts the C-17 saying that while the moose ate only wild shrub, he would not be able to grow the same to feed the moose since only grass grew at the North Pole.
- Boeing 800 - This aircraft has yet to be built. Its design calls for a moose stable, a penguin skating ring, a hockey arena and a large fart-capture device. Which is why the Canadians are pre-ordering 700 of them. However the chinese are now in the game stating that if Boeing instead desgin it with a pig sty, a large rice farm and if it can fly on condemned toothpaste then they will order 1.8 billion of them, roughly one for each citizen. Boeing is now strategising as to which order it should accept.
- Boeing 808*
The Boeing 808, 'new jet on the block', is a 8,250 aircraft capable of speeds of up to 12,600 mph. It's also enviromentaly friendly, being powered be 48 afterburning turbojets
- Note: Boeing was also part of the engineering partnership that spawned the illegitimate bastard love child of a Bell 407 helicopter and a Cessna, the V-22 Osprey.
- Boeing 737-3000 - The all new Boeing 737-3000 is a all new jet with a greater range than all the previous 737's. The turbine jet engines are being replaced by 4 all new Fiat 500 engines (slightly tuned). Because of these new engines the 737 can fly at an altitude of 200+ feet with a cruise speed of around 12 Knots. With its fuel capacity it can carry almost 3 passengers (along with 2 pilots and 5 flight attendants)around the world without refueling! Unfortunately this is only a prototype and will never be sold. Pictures are not available yet.
- Boeing 929 - an Boeing aircraft which cannot fly without water. It is usually known as Jetfoil.
- Boeing 7107 - The Boeing’s response to Concorde, first started designing in 2000 it was planned to fly up to 20km/h at a range of 7km at the top attitude of 120m from sea level, carrying 20T of TNT or 500 grams of nuclear weapons. The 7107 did its first flight in 2000 just 1 hr after they come up with the idea, the plane flew 500 meter at its first flight and crashed in an Air France’s Concorde when it’s taking off, blowing a tyre and puncturing a fuel tank; the subsequent fire and engine failure caused the poor unfortunate Concorde to crash into a hotel in nearby Gonesse two minutes after takeoff, killing all 109 (100 passengers and nine crew) aboard and four in the hotel, this crash made all the Concorde retire (mission accomplished), straight after the first test flight, Boeing cancelled the project. Non were sold to any airlines, but a few airlines in middle west placed some order.
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