Barrel, shooting fish in
Shooting fish in a barrel is the national sport of Canada. Originally played with slingshots by French Canadian trappers to pass the long winter hours. The invention of guns brought the sport to a whole new level.
Rules[edit]
Shooting fish in a barrel is played by two teams, which may contain any number of players. The first team, called the 'shooters', is chosen by going from door to door (or log cabin to log cabin, as the case may be) and saying "Eh, lets shoot some fish, ok?" The second team, called the 'fish', is typically unaware that the game is being played. By longstanding tradition, anyone who speaks with a French accent is a 'fish'. (In the earlier version, anyone who spoke with a Native American accent was a 'fish'.) The first team then arms themselves, and invites all of the 'fish' to a polka and beer party. The invitations are one of the most important features of the game, and have evolved from crude messages written on leaves using moose dung to engraved and embossed printed invitations, many of which can be seen in the Barrel Shooting Hall of Fame. After the 'fish' are all inside the 'barrel', the 'shooters' then proceed to 'shoot' the 'fish'. 'Shooting' consists of firing into the mass of 'fish' until they are a bloody red mess.
The final bonus round is customarily held at the end of the evening when all players simultaneously toss their hand grenades into the last remaining barrel and run like hell. The winning team is whichever team is not the 'fish'. However, by this point, even the outright luzers are having way too much fun to be overly concerned about such unimportant details.
False rumours[edit]
There is a totally false rumour that shooting fish in a barrel is not the national sport of Canada. The idea that clubbing baby seals is their national sport is a base canard. Canadians only pretend that clubbing baby seals is their national sport, in order to attract rich American Republican tourists.
Furthermore, it is totally untrue that one must be stoned in order to play shooting fish in a barrel. Being drunk is a perfectly acceptable alternative, and, in some US jurisdictions, strictly compulsory.
The Barrel Shooting Hall of Fame[edit]
The Barrel Shooting Hall of Fame, located in downtown Toronto, is one of that city's leading tourist attractions, drawing almost as many visitors as the Moose Fucking Sport's Arena and the Mount the Mountie Amusement Park. The Hall of Fame was founded in 1930, and the four original 'inductees' were Nearsighted Johnson (National champion 1912, 1922), Peg Leg Pete (national champion 1920), Minnie Mouse (to date the only female member of the hall of fame), and John (Moosebreath) Tarmack. The Gallery of Invitations is always crowded with sightseers, as is the hall devoted to Pierre (Fish) Trudeau, the only Fish ever to be so honored.
Selected National Champions (1912 - 1922)[edit]
(For a complete list of National Champions, see the Montreal telephone directory.)
- 1912 Nearsighted Johnson
- 1913 Starkers Sweeny
- 1914 - 1919 Shooting fish replaced by shooting Germans
- 1920 Peg Leg Pete
- 1921 "Lefty" McNair
- 1922 Nearsighted Johnson
Most aficionados of the sport agree that most later champions are not fit to be mentioned in the same breath with these early greats.
Ethical concerns[edit]
Many ordinary people, when they hear about this violent sport for the first time, become somewhat nauseated and emotionally disturbed and immediately phone up their local governmental officials, demanding in no uncertain terms that there ought to be a law against this sort of thing; whereupon all of the local government officials patiently explain (in teleconference mode) to their angry constituency that 'fish' (and herrings in particular) simply do not have the same basic constitutional rights which are regularly conferred on normal human beings. They are also informed that the resulting truckloads of decaying 'fish' paste is donated to many Third World countries to help feed their starving masses. This usually shuts them up already.
Video games[edit]
In Nintendo's Legend of Zelda: The Fish-Blaster, there is a hidden easter egg located underneath the moistened hind quarters of the Hylian Rabbit. Acquiring the rare egg allows Link to warp directly to the fishing pond next to Death Meadow, where he can trade it to the balding fisher-elf for a Fairy Thermonuclear Warhead, which works only in that location. Look carefully (using the Thick-rimmed Glasses of Truth) for the Fairy Thermonuclear Warhead Platform, which stands close to the epicenter of the pond.
Unfortunately, activating the device causes the game to freeze unexpectedly, less than a fraction of a second after detonation (apparently a residual software bug). This blows, like all the other stupid side quests. Nintendo sucks.