Anna Tweeter
“Anna Tweeter rides like a girl.”
“If you have powerhouse muscles like me, you dont loose any speed in the transition...”
“Jah bless the imperealist pigs of SPORTS ILLUSTRATED for the swimsuit issue 2010”
“Anna Tweeter syrupses iz good for cheeseburger. I can has it ! ”
Anna Tweeter is an american athlete and professional finger-snowboarder, olympic goldmedalist, hailing from the great state of Texas.
Early life[edit]
Following in the footsteps of 2 of her brothers, Abraham and Elijah Tweeter, that also are pro athletes in the same sport, she reached an astonishing level even while in her early teens, and soon became one of americas most promising upstarts in the sport of fingerboarding. The flu-like sprawl of fingerboard-superpipes in northern america (readily available in every "Toys-R-Us"-store) paved her way to become one of the continents most successful youngsters.
She was the first girl on the planet to throw a 900° spin in a fingerboard halfpipe competition without using glue or sticky tape.
Her greatest victory so far was winning olympic gold in 2006 at the winter olympics in Torino where she also got to know her present husband, Shaun White.
Anna the celebrity[edit]
After winning in Torino her face became known nationwide when she got invitations from several talk shows, but once people figured out she was in reality a shallow, selfish and boring person, the invitations ceased and Letterman, Kimmel and Co. picked their invites from Hollywood again, where people have more Soul and Depth, and are better looking.
A few weeks after that, a camera team from MTV tried to get her "punk´d" with the help of a con street-artist and 2 rednecks put in uniform, but the attempt failed miserably when she defeated all of them, producing a finger-snowboard and collapsable halfpipe from her dufflecoat, demonstrating a cab 900° melon, switch 1080° and at the end huge backside air.
After this incident, MTV promised to stop trying to be funny, and paid her a small fee for her charity "Anna´s Gold"
At the early age of 6 Anna had already started dating Shaun White from Ensenada, Mexico, who is (together with Tanner Hall) arguably the best synchro skier in North America.
White and Tweeter married right after both winning olympic gold each in their discipline in 2006, threatening to create a super-clone-army of winter athletes. The Coup failed however due to an intervention of the italian national guard.
Anna and Burton Snowboards[edit]
Anna and Shaun White aka "the flying tomato" both ride for Burton Snowboards, a tiny yet refined underground boardbrand that is run by a group of Hippies and Anti-capitalists living in a commune in Louisiana. Her pro-model is the "Wylde" `49, featuring a superduperfly XII core, maple wood stringer and SS (sintered syrup) base. Burton Snowboards has been founded by Jake Burton, also famous by his nickname "Jake the Supplanter". Jake the Supplanter experimented with the snurfer back in the late 70´s, and in the 80´s was one of the first to produce boards for the mass market. Aided by his mother Rivkah, he pulled a heinous coup on his firstborn twin brother Tom Esau Sims, who, coming home hungry from the mountain, being frustrated for not having found any pow all weekend, sold him the "Firstright" of the powderline , and the firstright to global snowboard sales. And thus it happened, Jake later developed a patented way of board mass reproduction, which has made his brand market leader since the invention of the sport. The Reproduction works as follows: Whenever a Snowboard coming out of the factory press shows black or white stripes, spots or freckles, it is separated from the rest, and put into a watering through together with rods of Almond, Poplar and Plane trees, of which some bark has been removed. Whenever the Burton factory workers come to mate after a cigarette break outside the workshop, the snowboards mate too, and so the factory is a lot more productive than for example a Tom Esau Sims plant. Due to this way of mass reproduction, Burton Snowboards are a lot better than any other product on the market.
Other projects[edit]
One of her declared goals is to create a Coven of Poseidon Worshippers down in Costa Rica, the property for this project has already been acquired. Poseidon-Worshipping is the new trend among boardoholics in North America, an act where people deliberately cast themselves into the ocean on a small board made of polyurethane and resine, attempting (but failing) to imitate dolphins frolicking in the shorebreak.
Following her success as an athlete she could land a contract with "EA sports", a manufacturer of computer games that published her signature game "Anna´s Golf". Anna´s Golf is said to be one of the hardest games, the player can choose between 7 different figures, 30 clubs (irons, woods and drivers) and 5 championship courses. The goal of the game is to hit a bottle of syrup with a random golfclub from a distance less than 3 ft.
In 2007 she was arrested by the executive branch of government in Kenya, trying to flood the local narcotics market with cheap american merchandise, and a new drug called "Anna´s Gold".
Anna´s Gold is mass-produced by her and family at their secret lab in Texas, from where they micromanage their syrup-empire. Soon after the distribution, an entire kenyan village has been reported to become addicted to the drug. The mastermind of the Gang, Amen Tweeter, could escape across the border in a white toyota minivan. He is also wanted in the States of Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi for heinous crimes against established and holy eucharist rites, having yelled numerous times "AMEN, preach it pastor !" or "AMEN reverend" during a public assembly.
2010 Vancouver Olympics and the Playboy Swimsuit Issue[edit]
During the 2010 Olympics far up in Canada, Anna could once more impress with some solid snowboarding, and came in second right after Torah Bright, an Ozzie import, who had been handed semi-legal substances by a certain Joseph Smith prior to the event. The international olympic committee and the quorum of the 12 shapers from Salt Lake City, Utah, are still disputing about a disqualification and giving the goldmedal to Anna, the rightful owner. Joseph Smith during a press conference: "All hell boil over, I testify to all of you that I am a man of integrity and that the only thing Torah received from me was an Oral, i mean some "Oral Dento-Bliss" Toothpaste, which keeps her teeth perfectly white in the pipe and all the interviews afterwards." Soon as the LDS church heard that a member was in trouble, they offered a large bribe to keep the press from further investigation and the olympic committee decided that Torah had indeed won.
Anna instead, never tired of raising moneys for her charity, decided it was time to get nekkid for the Playboy Swimsuit Issue. Her pictures were reportedly so appealing to the readers that several of them got coronary artery problems and had to hyperventilate. Anna´s comment: " Hah, that was nothing, just you guys wait next year I´m gonna go fully nude in the centerfold.." Joseph Smith, who had pre-ordered 10 issues of the magazine to his private mansion in Utah: "It´s a shame really that all the good potential is going to waste, I never understood why she moved to Californifghanistan not Utah in the first place..."
search for the Big Bad Rastaman[edit]
Getting tired of all the jetsetting, the snow-biz, interviews and selling icecream, Ms. Tweeter announced for the rest of 2010 she´d fly down to Puerto Rico with a retrofish surfboard, hittin the breaks of guanacaste and lookin for the legendary Rastaman. the Rastaman, also known as the "BBR" Big Bad Rastaman, is a local phenomenon surviving by pickpocketing, selling illegal substances and Bob Marley Merchandise to clueless tourists. Only time will tell if Anna and the Tweeter gang will ultimately be able to disclose the myth and set up a business venture with the cavedwelling, potsmoking, Jah-worshipping creature. Reportedly a new brand of syrup called "Jah Goo" is in the making, but the Rastaman has hidden the recipe in his hideout together with his "precious", a pack of 2010 Swimsuit Issues refusing to hand them over. however the Rastaman promised by all the Lions of Judah and the Soul of Haile Selassie that he was going to record a new version of Afroman´s Smash Hit "Because I got high", with Anna in the background vocals. The song is meant as a new anthem for Halfpipe Snowboarding in General but released only in Jamaica, Cuba and Mesoamerica due to the Rastaman´s general disrespect for "Babylon" aka the USA.