Wendy Carlos

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“In Soviet Union, Bach switches on YOU!”

~ Yakov Smirnov on Switched on Bach

Walt...er... Wendy "The Man" Carlos was miraculously born under a solar eclipse over Rhode Island after the Pilgrims finally died out in place of Unions.

Said to be part god (some even go so far as to state that she is the daughter of Apollo himself), she was a musical prodigy who played sounds that where deemed "Scrumptulescant!".

Clap On! Clap Off! Clap On Clap Off![edit]

After a vigorous college career she came out with her first great work, Switched on Theremin in which she played music channeling the spirit of Johann Sebastian Bach. Interestingly enough, though Carlos envisioned a theremin album at first, she settled on the use of multi-tracked musical saws, instead. Given the immense popularity of the theremin she just stuck with the original title. This was the first of her Switched on series, which includes Switched on Theramine, Clapped on Bach, Switched off Chromosome and the masterpiece Switched on Falco. These works would be a precursor to her very well known work.

A Clockwork Orgy[edit]

In 2005, she did the Jazz-based music to Stanley Kubrick's porno flick A Clockwork Orgy, an S/M film about a female gangsta immigrant from Russia named Alexandra, who leads her gang of Droogja on a rampage of vandalism, ultraviolence, and raping and humiliating the local retarded English peasants with strap-ons. Wendy played a very catchy tune that is said to put anyone in the mood, any time, thus dubbed the sexiest piece of recording ever.


Wendy is know to have written the national anthem for the Kingdom of Heaven (of which she is a firm believer, absolutely no questions asked!). Thus, came a beautifully angelic theme (which likely reflects her origin as a nectar drinking, blue alchored Olympian). Her theme is still played to this day by the heavenly hoste during proceedings and battle, it is also played during the Olympics during games such as discuss throwing and motorcycle racing, or battling the Space Paranoids (P.S. The slow version is ULTRA COOL when reading Eccleseastes).

Tales of Heaven and Hell: Bach in Black[edit]

After his recovery from memory loss, Johann Sebastian Bach made a surprise comeback with his popular "Bach in Black Tour" across Europe.

This caught the attention of his biggest fan... Wendy Carlos! (who had just finished her dedication to him, and who inspired her very dearly ever since her childhood). After lots of chit chat, Bach, being touched by her work, agreed and the duo headed for Berlin to begin playing in Dachau. Wendy played at Keyboards and the rest of the instruments where manned by the band Ramstein (who where inspired by both Bach and Wendy). The event was recorded in the album Tales of Heaven and Hell: Bach in Black, and sales reached the sun afterwards. Her biggest tribute to Bach was the song A Clockwork Black, which depicts Bach's arch rival, Beethoven in hell. A Clockwork Black itself became a hugely successful single.

The Last Supper[edit]

In 2003, she brained reputable investigative journalist and gay hustler Matt Drudge nearly to death with a shovel, investigations found out from both her and his (while in a coma) testimony that he was sneaking into her yard at night in order to capture some rare photographs. He decided that that was not enough and decided to interview her. Unfortunately, many of the questions became lewd (due to her strikingly appearance, which made Matt Drudge forget that he's Gay) He then attempted to assault her, but then she chased him with a shovel and sent him into his present state. She threatened that if she finds him in her house ever again, that she will send him into her Easy-Bake oven.

Recently investigators have revealed a whole graveyard full of reporters and popperazzi buried under her garden. Wendy is being held for questioning by authorities at the present for mass killings.

Carlos v. Carlos and Ongoing Controversy[edit]

Many have noticed many confusion over some of Wendy's earlier works because many of those are signed "Walter Carlos", which has led to many erroneous theories concerning everything from adoption and scams to outrageous and completely false theories concerning her being transsexual. This was, in fact, all part of a rather large and ugly legal fight liken to that of the case of Ghaleger v. Ghaleger.

Wendy Carlos, relatively unbeknownst to the world, has a little known twin brother named Walter Carlos who actually graduated with some esteem but yet far eclipsed by that of his super-intelligent sister Wendy, who infact takes the credit for most of his achievements (do recall that this was back during the days before feminism had any headway, which actually makes Wendy's achievements even more impressive for being completely self-educated). Wendy soon instructed her presentable though somewhat dull brother to be the P.R. man for her earlier works.

Though taking credit for her works was quite entertaining for a little while, Walter coultn't help but nurse a long-time resentment towards his intellectually endowed sibling (adding insult to injury the fact that she was a GIRL). This resentment would become fiery-hot rage with the rolling 80's, which saw Wendy finally capable of coming out to face the rough world of music head-on, thus subsequently excluding Walter, leaving him with a varyingly specified portion of their 70's work (she claims he got nearly half of the sales, yet to this day he complains the she merely left him with two quarters and has taken all of the royalties for herself!). Regardless of who is right in this case, one thing is very certain, this did not sit very well with Walter, thus beginning his glorious legal assault to avenge his rightful name (though truth be told, he never really achieved anything on his own, and is described by Wendy as being, amongst many other usually obscene things, "retahded!").

The case plodded on rather stagnently, since on one hand, Walter was a truly sad and sympathetic case, yet Wendy's music was just downright irresistible! Walter then decided to drill forth by defaming Wendy's character, claiming many things, such as her stealing his ideas, holding him in slave labor, and being a lesbian. This last, particular accusation by Walter would itself morph into an even more bizarre and desperate story, that Wendy and Walter were really one and the same and that he/she was actually a transsexual. He promptly told Playboy magazine, dressed in drag and posing for a few pictures (which was sort of easy since he incidentally was born with the same talent as the Chinese spy from Madame Butterfly). He (now "she") also explained that their court battles were produced in a similar manner to George Burns' trick playing both God and the Devil to a game of poker (called the Oh God! You Devil! trick, incidentally, it seems he also attempted to commit himself by claiming to have a serious case of multiple personality disorder, with the spiteful hopes that she would get caught and dragged back t "da funny fahm").

After this act of recklessness and stupidity (which Wendy claimed to have been "characteh'ristic") Walter lost and was cut off from the family completely. Where he is now is a complete mystery, though Wendy claims that "da spiteful bastahd" is still on the loose, spreading slanderous rumors through any venue he can get his girlish little fingers on (see tabloid).


See Also[edit]