UnScripts:Paddington Bear deported

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The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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London is being overwhelmed by various animals claiming asylum. British Immigration officers have picked up a particular miscreant, described as a bear with a hat and suitcase claiming refugee status from Peru. He has been found sitting on a bench inside Paddington Railway Station trying to look cute and winsome.

First Immigration officer

Where's your passport and proof of identity bear?

Paddington Bear

I have Marmalade sandwiches if you're peckish. I do have this note.

First Immigration officer

Proof of identity bear.

Paddington Bear

I am on a visit to London from Darkest Peru. Bears don't have names. We just sniff each other's scent glands. So my name is quite unpronouncable in English or Spanish.

First Immigration officer

You think you're unique? We have a weasel in Waterloo Station claiming asylum from the Wind in the Willows Gang and a horde of children at Kings Cross who said they are on half term holiday from Hogwarts when we know they are filthy foreigners from France.

Paddington Bear

I can assure I don't know these animals or people.

First Immigration officer

How did you get to Paddington Station? Were you bear smuggled into Britain? How much did you pay those bastards.

Paddington Bear

Oh this is Paddington Station? What a nice name. I think I will use it on my application form.

First Immigration officer

This country is FULL. No room for bloody immigrants, no room for effin' bears from Darkest Colombia

Paddington Bear

Darkest Peru. The jaguar I was with came from Colombia

First Immigration officer

Jaguar! Where??

Paddington Bear

He got out at Southampton

First Immigration officer

I am taking you to London Zoo. The elephant house where you will squashed.

Second Immigration officer

What's going on here? There's a jaguar loose in Hampshire??

Paddington Bear

Yes, he has relatives in Winchester.

Second Immigration officer

What's his name?

Paddington Bear

I think he said it was er..ro..ro..ry.

First Immigration officer

Rory? He's Irish??.

Paddington Bear

No, it was Roary. As in he roars.

First Immigration officer

I've had enough of this. This animal deserves to be deported straight back to Peru.

Second Immigration officer

We can't do that. The bear has to go to Rwanda. Latest orders as regards illegals.

Paddington Bear

I am not illegal. I have an invitation.

Second Immigration officer

Who from?

Paddington Bear

I have his letter. Look!

First Immigration officer

Hand it over.

Second Immigration officer

What does it say?

First Immigration officer

It says if an unaccompanied bear wearing a hat, duffelcoat and wellington boots turns up at Paddington Station, re-direct him to Pooh Corner. Signed Winnie the Pooh.

Second Immigration officer

Did you see a letter?

First Immigration officer

Yes..oh...NO. I saw nothing.

Second Immigration officer

Neither did I.

Paddington Bear

Can I have my letter back?

Second Immigration officer

What letter? I saw no letter.

Paddington Bear

Oh that's ashame. That was my last copy. I posted the others when I got here.

Second Immigration officer

Shit. Ok Plan B. Call the Border Police!

First Immigration officer

No! We need the anti-terrorist police. Shoot to kill! Russian bear on the loose!

Paddington Bear

Care for a marmalade sandwich?