UnScripts:Paddington Bear deported
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London is being overwhelmed by various animals claiming asylum. British Immigration officers have picked up a particular miscreant, described as a bear with a hat and suitcase claiming refugee status from Peru. He has been found sitting on a bench inside Paddington Railway Station trying to look cute and winsome.
First Immigration officerWhere's your passport and proof of identity bear?
Paddington BearI have Marmalade sandwiches if you're peckish. I do have this note.
First Immigration officerProof of identity bear.
Paddington BearI am on a visit to London from Darkest Peru. Bears don't have names. We just sniff each other's scent glands. So my name is quite unpronouncable in English or Spanish.
First Immigration officerYou think you're unique? We have a weasel in Waterloo Station claiming asylum from the Wind in the Willows Gang and a horde of children at Kings Cross who said they are on half term holiday from Hogwarts when we know they are filthy foreigners from France.
Paddington BearI can assure I don't know these animals or people.
First Immigration officerHow did you get to Paddington Station? Were you bear smuggled into Britain? How much did you pay those bastards.
Paddington BearOh this is Paddington Station? What a nice name. I think I will use it on my application form.
First Immigration officerThis country is FULL. No room for bloody immigrants, no room for effin' bears from Darkest Colombia
Paddington BearDarkest Peru. The jaguar I was with came from Colombia
First Immigration officerJaguar! Where??
Paddington BearHe got out at Southampton
First Immigration officerI am taking you to London Zoo. The elephant house where you will squashed.
Second Immigration officerWhat's going on here? There's a jaguar loose in Hampshire??
Paddington BearYes, he has relatives in Winchester.
Second Immigration officerWhat's his name?
Paddington BearI think he said it was er..ro..ro..ry.
First Immigration officerRory? He's Irish??.
Paddington BearNo, it was Roary. As in he roars.
First Immigration officerI've had enough of this. This animal deserves to be deported straight back to Peru.
Second Immigration officerWe can't do that. The bear has to go to Rwanda. Latest orders as regards illegals.
Paddington BearI am not illegal. I have an invitation.
Second Immigration officerWho from?
Paddington BearI have his letter. Look!
First Immigration officerHand it over.
Second Immigration officerWhat does it say?
First Immigration officerIt says if an unaccompanied bear wearing a hat, duffelcoat and wellington boots turns up at Paddington Station, re-direct him to Pooh Corner. Signed Winnie the Pooh.
Second Immigration officerDid you see a letter?
First Immigration officerYes..oh...NO. I saw nothing.
Second Immigration officerNeither did I.
Paddington BearCan I have my letter back?
Second Immigration officerWhat letter? I saw no letter.
Paddington BearOh that's ashame. That was my last copy. I posted the others when I got here.
Second Immigration officerShit. Ok Plan B. Call the Border Police!
First Immigration officerNo! We need the anti-terrorist police. Shoot to kill! Russian bear on the loose!
Paddington BearCare for a marmalade sandwich?