UnScripts:A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
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The End, Legendary Sniper
Snake: Oh my God, it’s The End, the Legendary Sniper!
The End: I’m Old!
Snake: O-oh God, he’s going to shoot me! Jesus Christ!
The End: Will you be my friend? How come you don’t visit me anymore, Snake?
Snake: I’ve got to sneak up on The End, but how?
The End: Oh God, I’m old! In need…ointment!
Snake: Hands up!
The End: W-w-w-wha-wha how did you get here!?
Snake: Give me your gun, now!
The End: But Snake, but…but Snake…my hip hurts…my hip hurts….
Snake: End, give me your gun!
The End: But Snake…but Snake…will you be my friend? But Snake….
Snake: Give me your gun now!
The End: I want to die. Oh God.
Snake: I must call Black Guy now….
Snake & Black Guy
br-r-rp br-r-rp…br-r-rp br-r-rp
Snake: Black Guy….
Sigint (in a black guy voice): Yo Snake, I see you got a ’45.
Snake: Yes, I know, as a matter of fact it’s the same model ’45 used by the [awkward pause] Los Angeles Police Department. They use it to kill Mexicans and put Blacky down.
Sigint: Wha?
Snake: Y-you know what? Just forget I said that part. Anyway, it’s a very nice gun. You see, the grip’s been gripified to allow for better grip during combat situations. The trigger is nice, and shiny, and I think it looks pretty cool. The finish has been polished to a mirror sheen so you can look at yourself in the mirror and fix your hair during combat situations. The sight: this gun has a sight so you can aim. That is very important when using a gun. Also, the gun comes with all-silver bullets and is magic so it can kill werewolves. This is a very nice gun.
Sigint (in a different black guy voice): You seem to know about guns a lot, don’t ya, Snake?
Snake: Yes, thank you Black Guy. You know, Black Guy, I’m in a box right now.
Sigint (not in a black guy voice): Snake, why are you in a box?
Snake: It’s very good for camouflage. Why…were you not talking like a black guy?
Sigint (in an exaggerated black guy voice): Whatevah, Snake.
Snake: You know what Black Guy? Screw you, I’m going to go call Para-medic and save my game progress: she’s much nicer.
Para-Medic
br-r-rp br-r-rp…br-r-rp br-r-rp
Para-Medic: Snake, do you wanna save?
Snake: ‘Snake, do you want to save?’ What kind of stupid question is that? I just went through four menus—
(Para-Medic: But Snake…)
Snake: —after pressing the select button—four Goddamn menus, and you ask me if I want to save or not? What do you think, Para-medic, what the hell do ya think?
Para-Medic: So you want to save?
Snake: Yes.
Para-Medic: Are you sure?
Snake: Yes.
Para-medic: Okay, I’m saving.
Snake: Okay.
Para-medic: Uh, Snake? I’ve run out of movies, and the Colonel’s pretty boring—
(Snake: God dammit….)
Para-medic: —but, I have a yeast infection.
Snake: Gah! You know how feminine hygiene disgusts me! Fuck you, Para-medic! Fuck. You.
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