UnReviews:Bush memoir

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By Michael Jordan (No, not the basketball player)[edit]

The Washington Post[edit]

When I first heard that former president George W. Bush was writing a memoir, I laughed my tush off. No way in hell could this man write a book; he couldn't even run a country, for Christ's sake! Whoever voted for this guy either year should be lined up and shot.

So I finally got my hands on My Memwarz, formerly titled Decision Points (or Deesizhun Poynts) before Bush gave up on spelling the title. It's so obvious that its publication was a tad rushed... and the evidence is in the cover. This book gives paperback a whole new meaning. My Memwarz was written in crayon and paint, and on wrinkled doodle paper. There are staples on the side, but the middle one is out of alignment. It took me a half hour to remove it so that I could read the book for this review. And you would think a 64-year-old former president would at least be able to spell his name correctly, or is he just now revealing that he is secretly Hispanic? Jorge W. Bush? Really? ¡Excelente! All hail President Hor-hay! Kind or ironic considering Bush's stance on immigration and illegal aliens. ¡Ay, caramba! Not since "Shcool" (or Dan Quayle) have I seen such horrid spelling. Let's move on, shall we.

The "Tabol uv Kontents" was a total mess. Not just the spelling and "typographical" errors, but some chapters pointed to the wrong page numbers. You're going to have better luck finding your way through the Bible or the phone book.

George W. Bush is the author of My Memwarz, released November 9, 2010

The first three pages of the book are literally taken from the Dr. Seuss classic Green Eggs and Ham glued onto the respective pages. Unfortunately, he cannot be sued because both books were published by Random House.

Bush further infringes copyright when some of his college recollections read like scenes from the John Belushi classic, Animal House. For example, he recalls when he, brother Jeb, and their "maternity brothers" got drunk one night and started chanting "Toga! Toga! Toga!" for no apparent reason. Bush then chronicles the time he and his fellow students sat down for lunch and he smashed the food out of his mouth and told them that he was a zit.

It gets worse when his retelling of 9/11 involves aliens blowing up the White House and Bush describing himself as looking like "either Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman." Not once does he mention terrorists, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or Al-Qaeda, though the centerfold of the 512-page book is a maze of Iraq.

Putin's dog "bigger, stronger, and faster than Barney," says Bush.

Surprisingly, he doesn't write too much about his presidency, reportedly because he couldn't figure out how to spell "presidency." However, he does note that he liked impersonators such as Will Ferrell, Timothy Bottoms, and "Frank Kallie Endo." He says he is glad he is out of Washington so that he no longer has to worry about pretending to think and make decisions. Now, it's unanimous, as David Letterman has noted.

Bush describes the first time he met Laura in Forks, Washington. She was a human and the Bushes, led by "Mommy" and "Daddy", were a coven of vampires. Thus proving that the former president is desperate to top the New York Times Bestseller List.

Chapter 6 is nothing but photos of Bush getting drunk, eating chips, and mooning people in his college "materinity." You'd think somebody had told him that the word is "fraterinity."

The former president writes positively (as well as typographically and illegibly) about rival Kanye West and the latter's comments that the former "Doesn't care about black people." Bush writes (sic, by the way):

Konyay West iz 1 hapinin homeey. I do not apruve uv wut hee sed about blaque pee pole, but that wuz then end this iz now. I fergiv him, and we r now best budz.

In Chapter 2, Bush writes about meeting Vladimir Putin and his dog. He describes the pet as "bigger, stronger, and faster than Barney. I mean, seriously, whoever wehrs that purple dynasor costoom kant run to sayv hiz lyf." In this chapter, he expresses his deep admiration for the PBS dinosaur. He even claims that he named his dog Barney after the character.

The book tells Bush's life out of sequence, much like a Quentin Tarantino film, and it was quite hard to follow Bush's biography. I was about to champion Bush's gonzo journalism, give the book a perfect five-star rating, and proclaim him the next Hunter S. Thompson... until I realized he was being serious. The novelty wore off and I cannot recommend this book to anyone, except for comedians and political pundits looking for a cheap shot.

And don't let the hardcover version fool you, either. It's more of the same, except with a more professional build and cover, as well as the original (correctly spelled) title, Decision Points.

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