UnNews:Van Halen to reunite with Roth

Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:50:59 (UTC)

5 February 2007

David Lee Roth (pictured, right, with Eddie Van Halen) is old.

LOS ANGELES, California -- The rumors were true -- Legendary rock group Van Halen will reunite with original frontman David Lee Roth for a summer tour of North America. "I am very excited to get back to the core of what made Van Halen," guitarist Eddie Van Halen said in a statement posted Friday on the band's website.

It will the the first time Roth has fronted the band since 1984. The band carried on with Sammy Hagar as their singer for the next ten years until Hagar realized he sucked. Roth briefly reunited in 1996 at the MTV Video Music Awards, which resulted in the longest Jerry Springer episode in recorded history--

Eddie Van Halen is still in the band.

This just in: Roth got into a huge fistfight with Eddie Van Halen and is therefore out of the band once again. The band will instead reunite with estranged frontman Sammy Hagar, who fronted the band on their 2004 tour. "Eddie and I had a long talk and sorted things out," Hagar said. It is still uncertain whether or not bass player Anthony Michael Hall, er..., Michael Anthony, is back in the band. Says drummer Alex Van Halen, "Wolfgang, Eddie's son, my nephew, Sammy's husband, is the worst bass player I have ever heard in my entire life, but we'll keep him if we have to."

This just in: Sammy Hagar has confirmed that he is out of the band. Hagar reasons, "Eddie has issues, and besides, I want to focus on writing my opera, I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General. I'm never reuniting with these old farts again." Hagar will be replaced by one-time singer Gary Cherone, formerly of the band Extreme.

No wait, Gary Cherone has expressed anger towards Eddie and will not be reuniting. Sammy Hagar is back in the band. No wait, Dave is back in once again.

Potential Van Halen lead singers?

At this moment, the Van Halen tour is officially cancelled until the band can find a lead singer. The band is currently holding auditions, so if you think you can handle four old guys bickering about, then come on down to the nut house and show the band your stuff.

Another quick update: David Lee Roth has apologized to Eddie and is back in the band, and auditions are cancelled. David Lee Roth had this to say, "I am excited about this tour. This is gonna be the biggest show you've ever seen! Ooooooh yeeaaaaaaahhhhh! (ad libs and unnecessary singing)"

No wait, this just in: David Lee Roth has a severe case of laryngitis and therefore cannot sing for another year. No human singer has been named, if you exclude Chewbacca. Rumor has it that the Movie Trailer Announcer Guy may be the man for sure. But knowing Van Halen, you can never be too sure.