UnNews:UK Election countdown who’s who

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31 March 2015

They all drink bitter in public, but are they all the same?

WESTMINSTER, England -- As the UK approaches another General Election, political parties are busy laying out their stalls, not answering direct questions and muddying the waters. The big five have started to disclose their dreamt up policies and march out key players ahead of the May 7th polls.

Cameron, what does he really think?

The Conservative Party is led by David Cameron, whose wife Samantha (known to her media friends as Sam Cam) has a dolphin tattoo. After going to Eton, “Dave” wanted to be a lorry driver, but left to become a Prime Minister because he couldn’t stand the bullshit and politics. He is the thirteenth cousin of Kim Kardashian, both sharing a common ancestor landowner and prolific womaniser, Sir William Spencer. He is also related to Winston Churchill, Winston Cigarettes and Winston Wolf. The main pledges for Mr Cameron’s party are to eliminate poor people, make course specific cutlery and silver service compulsory for truck stops, and replace sweary TV chefs with harp concertos.

Miliband, does he really think?

At the helm of the Labour Party is Ed Miliband. He does not like to show his wife as she is not as attractive as Sam Cam, does not have an animal tattoo and only a small kitchen. Ed also keeps quiet that he went to Oxford University to study economics. Unlike Dave, or the ethos of the Labour Party, Ed had no working class aspirations. After a short stint as a TV journalist, he became Chairman of HM Treasury's Council of Economic Advisers; which he doesn’t like to talk about. If elected Miliband has promised to make his entire party have a phantom pregnancy to understand women and the NHS.

Clegg, do you think?

The Liberal Democrats are headed by Nick Clegg. The ex-journalist is the grandson of Kira von Engelhardt Freiin von Smolensk a Russian baroness, and great great grandson of Attorney-General of the Russian senate, Ignatiy Platonovich Zakrevsky. As the third leader in a row to find themselves in charge of the wrong party, Clegg’s policies are “whatever they said comrade”.

Farage? Don't think so.

The UK Independence Party (UKIP) is led by Nigel Farage, a beer drinking far right activist. Farage left the Conservative Party in 2002 to found UKIP and is only one of two leaders in the right right party. UKIP wants to ban foreigners but are not allowed by law, instead they are pledging to get immigration down to zero and eventually minus figures by 2016. They are promising compulsory skinhead shaves for men and free Doc Martin boots by 2020.

Natalie Bennett leads the Green Party, is yet another bloody journalist that didn’t get enough coverage from their editor, so went into party leading so see who has the last laugh. Bennett is an Aussie that studied Asians and farmers in Sydney, before following Kylie Minogue over to the UK for a salary boost. The Green party pledge to make absolutely everything green, including the roads, houses, sofas and even your skin. The Greens are a popular party with Dulux Paint employees and tattooists.

The Respect Party is headed by George Galloway. Respect seems to have lost a lot of respect after failing to respect women’s rights, abortion and gay rights to attract Muslims; making their position in society fairly bomb proof, but committing Political suicide for other voters.