UnNews:Turkey invades Syria to "protect lives of dead guys"

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Wednesday, December 4, 2024, 08:43:59 (UTC)
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22 February 2015

President Assad's pilots daily create new corpses for Turkey to rescue.

KOBANE, Turkey -- Following the wholesale slaughter of thousands of innocent Syrians, as well as the death of several deserving gays, scores of Turkish troops and vehicles have entered Syria to evacuate a corpse and destroy the mausoleum built in his honour.

The now-ruined tomb of Suleyman Shah, founder of the Ottoman Empire - a Medieval furniture store founded to rival Footstool Rack - stands on a football-pitch-sized spit of Turkish land inside Syria. But its historical and political significance have convinced the Turkish government to rethink their previous stance. President Erdogan previously stated that "the persecution of minorities by ISIS and the barrel-bombing of civilians by government forces is an internal matter best dealt with by a friendly democratic neighbour" and that "they seem pretty good at that sort of thing over there. I don't see how we can help". However, speaking from Donna's Donners, Watford, a spokesman for the Ankara government insisted yesterday that "threatening the health and welfare of a cadaver shows the depths of depravity Syria has sunk to."

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, which has lost control over much of northern Syria as a result of the country's civil war, condemned the incursion as "flagrant aggression" and insisted that "if anyone is going to bury Syrian non-combatants, it's me." Turkey informed its Istanbul consulate about the operation but did not wait for Syria's consent. A spokesman for ISIS commented that it had seen pictures of Shah in a school textbook and that he had "looked like he was wearing a dress." Caliph Al Baghdadi's fatwa calling for the extermination of all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender historical characters is still in force in rebel-controlled areas and Turkey was not prepared to stand by and allow the well-being of its deceased to be threatened.

U.S. President Barack Obama said his government "regretted the counterproductive military intervention of third parties in Middle Eastern conflicts", stating that "that's our job".

Nevertheless, Ankara confirmed that the remains of Suleyman Shah, who died in the 13th Century, were moved to a site in Syria closer to the border to give Turkey the opportunity to intervene in Syria again when the suffering of its citizens once more needs ignoring.

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