UnNews:Tidal Wave of Unimportance

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:43:59 (UTC)
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31 March 2015

The Tidal conference went down a storm.

NEW YORK, New York. – In an effort to ease the concerns of millionaire music makers around the world, ugly millionaire Jay Z; word spitter and business man has released his largely unknown music streaming service 'Tidal' to ensure that rich musicians such as Kanye West, Alicia Keys, Madonna, Rihanna, Coldplay, Daft Punk and Beyoncé are paid adequately for their crimes against music.

Keys, who delivered an impassioned speech at the launch event in New York, said that Tidal aims to "forever change the course of music history" not realising that to change the course of history is in fact an impossibility due to the second law of thermodynamics.

Not to let the basic laws of the universe get in the way of a fanatical rant, she continued; "Our mission is to go beyond commerce, it goes beyond technology. Our intent is to preserve music's importance in our lives" giving us insight into her seemingly contradictory beliefs that Tidal isn't actually about technology, or making money, but exists to 'save music' from some kind of upcoming unknowable unimportance in peoples lives.

Undeterred by her embarrassing remarks, multi-millionaire Alicia Keys had the floor and continued to gas off; "Jimmy Hendrix once said 'Music doesn't lie, if there is something to be changed in the world then it can only happen through music'". Confused and somewhat unsure of the validity of the quote she then asked the audience; "… overstatement? Maybe." before answering her own question; "Maybe not, after all there is truth in the old adage that music makes the world go round."

Yet again ignoring basic scientific truths in favour of drug pumped jibber-jabber from a long dead heroine addict. Are we to believe that sound waves actually rotate the Earth? Well, she did say Tidal is "beyond technology". Time will tell, as the old adage goes.

Sources[edit]

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