UnNews:Super Bowl train snafu surely Christie's fault

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 19:19:59 (UTC)
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4 February 2014

None of the 28,000 inconvenienced fans anticipated an evening of long waits, confusion, and rudeness when they traveled to New York.

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- Thousands of Super Bowl attendees were stuck for hours after the game ended, waiting for trains of the New Jersey Transit System.

In related news, Chris Christie remains the Governor of New Jersey, which hosted the Super Bowl. Only weeks ago, he ordered the on-ramps to the George Washington Bridge blocked, barricaded, or detonated out of spite for the mayor of Fort Lee, who did not back his re-election, though Christie has unconvincingly denied that he knew anything.

Photographs have now surfaced of Christie talking with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell two weeks ago. Christie's face is not visible, but no one else could be that fat. As the only possible subject of the conversation was the imminent Super Bowl, the photos are virtual proof that Christie was discussing plans to bollix up Transit trains. What is not clear is to whom Christie's follow-on stunt was delivering "payback."

Victims of Christie's previous attempt to punish his adversaries, as they would never do to him.

In the Fort Lee episode, terse emails between subordinates discussed the traffic jams planned for commuters in the ill-fated suburb. Emails on sabotage of the Super Bowl have not yet emerged, but staffers in Congress have been furiously typing, presumably into Google. Congressional hearings on the matter are not yet scheduled.

An alternate theory, gaining credence in the UnNews Newsroom, is that the Transit train jams were instead the work of the Tea Party movement, which has hated Christie ever since his televised wet kisses with President Obama at Coney Island after super-storm Sandy hit — just when hapless Mitt Romney needed the Governor's help the most.

As transit in the New York/New Jersey area is run by the most efficient and responsive governments in America, and staffed by hard-working employees represented by an earnest labor union, it is impossible that Transit trains just got gummed up on their own. It is clearly a conspiracy, and we are close to finding out what Governor Christie sought to gain.

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