UnNews:Stereotypical Mexican wins presidential election

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8 July 2006

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Josemaría Pancho Valdés Avila.


MEXICO CITY, Mexico -- Presidential candidate Josemaría Pancho Valdés Avila was declared the winner of a close race on Thursday in the Mexican general election. The leading rival candidates, Andrés Manuel López Obrador and Felipe Cabron, did not concede and said that they would mobilize public rallies and seek to contest the results in court.

Both of the misfit candidates earlier proclaimed victory in the Mexican presidential race, despite notice from Mexico's Federal Electoral Institute (IFE) that Pancho won with a 95% majority. Poll workers began a recount of vote tallies Wednesday.

By Thursday morning, with 98% of the vote tallies recounted, Pancho held a 196% lead over Cabron and López Obrador. In accordance with Mexican electoral law, workers counted the tallies attached to ballot boxes at polling stations, but did not open properly sealed and tallied ballot boxes.

Citing the fact that they are two whiny crybabies who will not submit to the will of the people, Cabron and López Obrador, Fascist and Communist respectively, called for recounts to be done by their own paramilitaries. Pancho was unavailable for comment.

Questions were raised about the vote count after discrepancies were noticed in the counting. While some of López Obrador's supporters have alleged manipulation of the counting process, López Obrador himself has discounted the possibility of outright fraud and international election observers have said that the election was transparent and largely free of problems. Cabron, however, calls the whole thing a "Jewish-Masonic Conspiracy" and reiterated his platform of "¡Un imperio, una gente, un Caudillo facho de México!"

The interior minister, Carlos Abascal, has said that a total recount is, "physically impossible and also legally impossible without the aid of leprechauns, who, unfortunately, cannot be imported out of Ireland except through a painstaking and complex program." However, reports from every voting booth filled by representatives of all parties have already been distributed to the contenders.

Now that the final count is complete, Mexico's Federal Electoral Tribunal of seven judges can hear complaints and consider overturning the election. It must declare a winner by September 6, 2006 or face the wrath of Spain. Despite it's 11-year war of independence, Mexico is still actually a colony of Spain. King Juan Carlos I was unavailable for comment.

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