UnNews:Santa dies in grisly murder
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:19:59 (UTC) |
| Santa dies in grisly murder | 
|
26 December 2007
IDYLLTON, INDIANA- Beloved world icon Santa Claus was killed yesterday after apparently forgoing his normal Christmas gift-giving duties to seduce hard-working housewife Chelsea Winthrop, only to be fatally stabbed over by her husband, Herman "Hermie" Winthrop. The local police soon arrived on the scene, amazed to discover Claus's dead body. Herman was soon arrested for second degree murder.
Details on the story are scarce, but the Winthrops' eight-year-old son, Jimmy Winthrop, was a witness to the murder. In this exclusive UnNews story, he tells us the grim details of the event.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep.
Then I saw Daddy punching Santa Claus
Right on his fur vest so bloody red
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If the FBI had only seen
Daddy punching Santa Claus near dead!
Oh, I saw Mommy over Santa Claus
Defending his body bent and broke
And Dad's fist just struck her chest
Sending her down in a mess
He went back to Santa's body
And pulled him up by his vest.
When I saw Daddy holding Santa Claus,
I thought Santa Claus was gonna die.
And I turned out to be right,
As Daddy pulled out his knife,
And thrust his shiv into Santa's eye!... *sobs*
Herman offered a different perspective of the event.
I'm innocent, I tells ya! Jimmy's just making that whole song and dance up! He killed Santa Claus! He used boxing gloves to make his fists my size, and he planted my fingerprints. You just gotta believe me!
Truly the unrepentant ravings of a deranged murderer.
International reactions[edit]
Many prominent world figures mourned the tragic death of Claus.
FEMA administrator R. David Paulison said "FEMA has taken action to distubute appropriate amounts of presents to the children who were rendered giftless by the heinous act. Now be quiet, I'm playing with my Christmas presents."
President Tarja Halonen said "As the Lapland district of Finland is home to Santa's summer home, we will preserve all Santa's belongings that reside there... to the highest bidder."
Sinterklaas, longtime rival of Claus, had this to say: "Now that Claus is dead, I will be the sole supernatural provider of gifts to children! Muahahaha! Muahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHH!!!!"
President Hu Jintao said "There is no Santa Claus, and there has never been a Santa Claus!"
President Taco Lover said "Since Santa is dead, we better deliver the presents ourselves!
UnNews will continue reporting this story as it develops.
Sources[edit]
- Clement Clark Moore "Santa Claus won't be delivering any more presents". The Daily Obituaries, December 26, 2007