UnNews:Purdue co-ed insists: Sluts don't cause earthquakes

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Friday, December 1, 2023, 16:22:59 (UTC)

Purdue co-ed insists: Sluts don't cause earthquakes UnNews Logo Potato.png

26 April 2010

It is hard to believe that all the world's rifts, trenches, clefts, and divides are unrelated.

WEST LAFAYETTE, Indiana -- Today is the day that slutty women around the world will prove that they are not the cause of earthquakes.

This bombshell was dropped by Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi one week ago. "Many women who do not dress modestly...lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which [causes] earthquakes," Sedighi had said. He was quoted in the Iranian media, generally considered infallible in matters of natural events and their causes.

A slutty co-ed at Purdue University here immediately created the Slutquake group on Facebook, challenging like-minded women to "show some cleavage, flash a little beaver, whatever you feel comfortable doing," to soundly disprove the cleric's theory. She plans to measure global seismic activity during the 24-hour test and compare it with the historical norm. To date, almost 200,000 people have joined the Facebook group, implicitly promising to make the earth move today in order to show that the earth does not move.

Student Mark Webster took part by baring a tuft of chest hair from his unbuttoned plaid shirt. Wa-hey, down, boy! "It's great to poke fun at these irrational things," he said. "The truth is that there are no slutty co-eds anywhere in the Ivy League."

Reporters from CNN and the BBC have caught onto the craze, though no one in the broadcast media ever tries to parlay physical attraction into personal advantage.

On the off chance that global upheavals actually subside during the 24-hour test period, the experiment may usher in a wonderful new era of sluttiness. Meanwhile, the co-ed, majoring in both genetics and evolution, insists that, "when this is done I hope to be known for the actual science that I do." However, Lafayette's seven Gentlemen's Lounges will provide a fine fallback career.