UnNews:Pelosi bends GOP over further

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 01:23:59 (UTC)

Pelosi bends GOP over further UnNews Logo Potato.png

1 February 2021

At the portal to the House, a bit of extra pomp, under the circumstances. Apologies to readers who would rather have a photo of an anal exam.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaker Nancy Pelosi of the U.S. House of Representatives announced that she will subject Republican Party Congressmen to an anal exam before allowing them into the chamber.

The delicate Coronavirus countermeasure has been perfected in Red China, whose governance Pelosi has often praised and emulated. The Chinese assert that the technique is more accurate than the "tongue-swab method" formerly employed — and more palatable to the workers whose tongues had been pressed into service. ("Accurate at what?" is a question one does not ask on the Mainland.)

The technique involves inserting a probe several inches, twisting it twice, and then withdrawing. The House parliamentarian was seen with a portable drill by Black & Decker near the cloakroom door, possibly to support this safeguard. His day job, ensuring that procedural gambits comply with the chamber's rules, leaves him plenty of time for new assignments.

The news follows announcements that Republican members of the House would be compelled to wear face masks and pass through metal detectors in order to go to their desks in the House. Speaker Pelosi's majority is intact after the 2020 election, though razor-thin and dependent on the ultra-left "Squad" faction. Squad leader Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has said she is terrified by potentially armed Republican colleagues and used this reason for not attending the inauguration of President Joe Biden last month. "Seriously, um, I can't see who would need guns," said the college-educated former bartender. "Spray paint and Molotov cocktails should be enough for anyone."

Republican rookies such as Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) routinely set off the metal detectors. Boebert has refused the subsequent bag check, if one may refer to the Speaker in such crude terms. Boebert did not say whether she would undergo the new procedure, but merely scowled at this reporter.

A fortunate alternative to all the new Coronavirus precautions is that the Speaker is no longer requiring representatives to be physically present in the House chamber at all in order to vote. Pistol-packing Republican representatives could vote "virtually" on any issue by giving their proxy to Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is always unarmed, so to speak, and routinely bends over for Madame Speaker.