UnNews:PM to make pupils study medicine until 18

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, June 20, 2024, 13:49:59 (UTC)
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9 January 2023

Saffy will do your liver transplant after hockey.

LONDON --The UK Prime Minister is making it compulsory for all school pupils in England to study medical and surgical procedures in some form until the age of 18.

In his first speech of 2023, Rishi Sunak said he wanted young teens to "feel confident" when it came to carrying out hip replacements and heart bypasses.

Nurses, paramedics, ambulance drivers and doctors have been striking, or are about to strike over pay and conditions, which are bloody gross for many, and particularly gross for the thousands of six-figure salaried consultants.

Sunak’s plan to educate the younger generation in medical procedures could be a masterstroke in killing two birds with one stone, then getting them on their feet again with CPR.

But critics have said the plan will create a mass of drone doctors, wandering the streets in white coats and stethoscopes, brandishing syringes and speaking in Latin.

Mission Impossible actor Simon Pegg said: “What about arts and humanities and fostering this country's amazing reputation for kids that don't want to do anything, except stare at screens?”

And he should know, having been awarded a fellowship by the University of Gloucestershire, which provides degree courses in iPhone photography out of an old Debenhams store on Cheltenham High Street.

Prominent surgeons have fallen strangely silent over the prospect of teaching form 5D how to do a cataract, while the overriding reaction in Westminster is ‘why operations? Who can remember a time when the NHS wasn’t in crisis and how can we now pretend to voters that we are going to fix it?'

Mr Sunak also set out the priorities for his premiership, which includes directing his image consultant to make him look like a doctor, and getting him and his Chancellor mate onto the Board of an oil major before they're kicked out by the Progressives.

Sources[edit]

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