UnNews:PETA demands the right to bear poop

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19 December 2012

This Bonobo monkey answers nature's call to weaponize. Don't let the government take away your shit.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Thousands of animal rights activists marched and rode their bikes through the streets of Manhattan today demanding the right to bear poop. "The unthinkable shooting tragedy in (fill in the blank) this week, and the outcry for gun control following hot on its heels like a predictable lovesick puppy, reminded the ultra-educated and intellectually stimulated among us here at PETA that when nature tells a primate's brain to fight, he grabs for his poop," said PETA spokesprimate Ben Affleck. "We dressed primates demand the freedom that undressed primates the world over take for granted. The right to bear poop."

An antropologist who was wrestled to the ground and arrested earlier this year at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo for throwing his poop at a group of monkeys agreed with PETA's demand. "When I suddenly found myself enraged at the monkeys who were bombarding me with poop, my bowels instantly flushed out and delivered a wet hunk right into my hand. I instinctively knew how much pressure to grab it with and just what sound to make, and, as if I were doing it all my life, I immediately lifted my poop way over my shoulder and flung it at the monkeys. It was the most liberating thing I've ever done. And it worked like a charm, they scattered cheetah-sighting speed, and I had no more trouble."

Many of the marchers had tales like this. Disputes with neighbors. Childhood arguments. The time a guy's mother-in-law came to visit and by the time he tried to help her off with her coat he was already face deep in it. But the common theme was that nobody needed a gun.

"No, we just let nature be nature," said Oscar winning actress Ellen Page. "It does the trick and nobody gets hurt. Scooping out your own flowing poop and throwing it at someone is the most honest-to-goodness nonviolent fighting tool known to man."

Training in poop warfare builds character. Sign up today, soldier.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who admitedly has one of the most poetic names in public life, gave a legal opinion to reporters that people could use their own poop as a weapon as long as they don't pull their pants down. "You can dig in there, but don't show the cheek or the hole," O'Connor told CNN's Anderson Cooper. "Nobody wants to see that. Except your big monkeys, like your gorillas and 'tangs and whatnot. And always fight clean," O'Connor said, cleaning her fingers and smacking her lips, "And when people come around talking poop reform, feign putting your hand back there and watch scatter like mice in a snowstorm."

Justice O'Connor also said that humanzees - the hybrids of human monkeys and other species of great monkeys - should be allowed to poop into their hands without their pants on. As Justice O'Connor and Reporter Cooper then compared notes on their lovers liking to spank them, thus reddening their buttocks in imitation of the red buttock sexual signals presented by many other monkey species, Mr. Affleck jumped from branch to branch, slowing down only when a stranger offered him fruit.

"Feeling the need for peed," exclaimed militant Legalize Peeing Movement leader Ralph Steadman. "These pansyweights at PETA are willing to draw the line way too early. Poop has a deep and profound psychological impact on primate packs, yeah, we know that. But peeing on and around things? Come on, we naturally claim land by marking it. By smelling it on the trees, ground, and mailboxes the other monkeys know who walks down the best trails, don't they ladies? So penis-based weaponry comes with the territory, no pun intended. In short, peeing is where it's at in the preventative defense game. I always say that a warm wet war beats a hot gooey war, but neither will stop those PETA pantywastes from suiting up, going out, and painting the town brown."


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