UnNews:Obama considers name change

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 06:49:59 (UTC)
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5 February 2007

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Barack Obama: the future Hillary Clinton

WASHINGTON, D. C. - Now that he is seeking the presidency, Senator Barack Obama is contemplating a name change, insiders say. His name is too difficult for voters to remember, they contend, and, even worse, it sounds like the name of terrorist Osama bin Laden’s first name.

“People won’t vote for a candidate whose name they don’t recognize,” Obama advisor, Valerie Jarrett, told UnNews’ reporter Lotta Lies, “and they sure as hell won’t vote for somebody whose name reminds them of the bastard whose terrorist attack on New York City took down the Twin Towers.”

According to sources close to the senator, he’s thinking of changing his name to either Hillary Rodham Clinton or to just Hillary Clinton because this is a name that is already familiar to Americans; sounds female, which should help attract female voters; and already belongs to the Democratic Party’s frontrunner.

Sen. Clinton--Bill’s wife--said that she would oppose Obama if he tries to steal her name. After all, she pointed out, she had to wed Bill Clinton; remain married to him, despite his numerous affairs; and pretend that she loves him in order to carry his name. “Once, on our honeymoon, despite my lesbian leanings,” she recalled, shuddering, “I even had to have sex with him, as Chelsea proves.” She isn’t about to give up her name without a fight, she vowed. Besides, she said, having two Hillary Clintons on the same primary ballot would confuse voters even worse than did hanging chads.

Neither Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi nor President George Bush would comment on the matter, but Rosie O’Donnell said, “I always thought, if he changed his name, Obama would go for Pelosi; he’s such a Nancy boy!”

Barbara Walters responded with her signature phrase, “That poor, pathetic man.”

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