UnNews:No killing Friday
| Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 19:03:59 (UTC) |
| No killing Friday | 
|
14 November 2009
Authorities report that, yesterday, the amount of blood thirsty slayings and maimings were down nearly 100%, making that a new record low for Friday the 13th. It wasn't known until early this morning when two separate police departments, each, received a mysterious note.
One police captain revealed their note to reporters in an early press conference: "I apologize for not doing my fair share of murders this year. I really know, how much your police department loves chasing me and filling me full of bullets at the end of the night, but I just couldn't make it out of bed. Please call me, I should be well for the next killing season....(signed), Your Bloody ax murderer, Michael Myers..."
However, the second police department only received a blank, rumpled page of notebook paper. The forensics unit did release the fact that it did smell heavily of barf, and they are speculating that this may be a clue from the infamous bloody brute, Jason. Again, they aren't sure, and had the evidence sent to FBI crime labs for further analysis.
Authorities speculate that these two out of the picture due to the flu season should account for 40 - 60% in the reduction of senseless and needless bloody murders yesterday. They are still looking into other offenders that still have not been heard from, like Freddy, Leatherface, and Hanna Montana.
It is known that Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and Dracula are all retired. They were last seen in the Caribbean on vacation for the Winter months. None of them were available for comment.
Sources[edit]
 |
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |